Women who ask men out..

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2005
Women who ask men out..
4
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 1:31pm

Ladies - How do you feel about asking guys out (first dates especially)?

Guys - Does your opinion of a woman change if she asks you out first?

Do you believe in the philosophy that "if a guy is interested enough he will ask, and if not he's probably not interested"

What do you think?

We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 1:46pm

Ladies - How do you feel about asking guys out (first dates especially)?

I have done this several times and found one of two things. 1) Either guy was not interested in me even if he said yes or at least not interested enough to keep a relationship going. Or 2) The guy was kind of a shy guy that didn't have much, how do I put this?, drive? That's not exactly the right word. But they just didn't seem to go after anything they wanted in life.

Now how much of that was because of me and the kind of guy I'm attracted to, I don't know. I don't do cold approaches so I usually know a person very well before I ask them out. I have found that in either case if the date turns into something more I tend to have to be the aggressor in everything, from where we eat to physical affection. And I have found with those shyer guys, my personality tends to ecpilse theirs which is a problem for me.

It's not something that I have had particularly good results with but I keep on hopeing.

Guys - Does your opinion of a woman change if she asks you out first? Not a guy so I can't answer.

Do you believe in the philosophy that "if a guy is interested enough he will ask, and if not he's probably not interested"

I would say yes for the go getter type of guy. The alpha male type in general, in my experience wants to be the pursuer. If you're more into a shy guy, that may be the case and it may not. I just depends on what you're looking for.

What do you think?

Personally I like to give the guy a chance to ask me out first. With the shy guys you can usually tell if their interested with a little flirting, and once I establish that I go ahead and aske them out. With the more aggressive guys either they ask or their not interested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 1:53pm

I want a guy to ask me out.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 2:11pm

This has been my experience as well. I used to ask men out a lot and found that they divided into those categories as well.

My philosophy is, if a guy is interested in you, emotionally healthy and available for a relationship, he'll ask you out. If he doesn't, he's not one or more of the above (and I do consider someone who is SO shy or passive that he won't ask out someone he's interested in to be not emotionally healthy). Note: I have to add, just because someone always asks me about it: the fact that someone asks you out does NOT mean that he's emotionally healthy and available...it doesn't work in reverse ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 2:21pm

I have to agree with pretty much everything you said. I pursued a guy for 4 years. We were friends first or I would not have ever asked him out. We did go on several dates, most of them being "my" idea. I think he did care about me and actually "forgot" work at times when we were together. We had the added complication of him being an undercover security guy at the store where I moonlighted. He was not supposed to date the workers, however, some rules can be broken if you're careful. At our age, I figured we knew how to get around things and actually did for a while. However, he had a lot of emotional walls that I was never able to break through. He was also married to his job--something I never saw changing.

Eventually, he told me that he didn't "need a woman". He was true to his word. He did date another gal for maybe a couple months quite a long time after I quit seeing him. I heard that she got sick of his walls and probably realized (long before I did) that she couldn't change him. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was gay, but that would actually have been a relief to have known that that was his issue and not that he just didn't need a woman. He may wake up when he's 65 and realize that he's alone, but by then most of the women who once cared about him will be with other people. I sometimes regret all the heartache and work I put into him for so long. We still work at the same place, so sometimes it's still tough to see him, but I'm really trying to move past all that.

So, getting back to the original post here, I believe a woman can ask ONE time, but if the guy doesn't do the asking the second time, he's probably either not really interested or he has emotional walls that prevent him from maintaining a real relationship with a woman. They just don't take the lead at all, just like you were talking about. I think most women deserve more than that.