the worst advice ever

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
the worst advice ever
15
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 1:36am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 9:32am
check the link again. it does not seem to work
or maybe I just could not see the advice :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2005
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 10:00am

I do not think she gave bad advice at all, rather she gave a condensend version of all the pragmatic advice that is usually posted on this board.

it wouldn't hurt to let us know the reason/s you disagree with her advice, that would probably give us a clearer picture of why you think its worst advice ever.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2005
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 10:53am
I actually thought it made a lot of sense. If I wasn't so off Match right now, I'd almost be tempted to join up;-P
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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2001
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 11:32am
I don't think it was all bad advice, but I've always been told that you should not bring up "marriage" too soon in a relationship. I think that might scare a guy off if you talk about that too quickly. And I also don't think it's wise to harp on a guy every so often about it later. If he's agreed to get married, set a definite date or plan of action to get to that date and don't badger the guy about it all the time. Once you've gotten to that point, if he balks again on setting a date, then you can give the ultimatum. Otherwise, you look like a whiney woman and most men are not charmed by that. So, there were some things in the advice that I do not think was very good to tell someone who is doing OLD.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 11:43am

I kind of liked that part.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2005
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 11:44am
I don't think it's the worst advice ever but I'm not sure I could do what she did. She IS married now and I'm not. Worth thinking about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2005
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 11:57am

I agree that one should make his or her ultimate goal known to potential dates: "I want a long-term relationship" or "I want to date casually," for instance. That way, people clearly understand other people's intentions, and people who share the same goals can get together. If they don't share the same goal, it saves people time and bother.

I agree that getting physical, especially too early, can cloud one's judgement. Emotions get involved. However, this is a person decision . . . whatever one is comfortable with here.

A lightbulb went off in my head when I read this: “Dating one person is over-focus. Two is either-or. And three is balance." I think there's a lot of truth in this. The article also said that OLD is a numbers game, a theory that this board seems to overwhelmingly hold to be true.

I criticize the article on being so pushy on the topic of marriage. I think that this would scare a lot of guys away. I mean, right before sex, saying “Is this an exclusive, committed relationship? And are we headed to marriage? I’m not ready to make love with you or anyone else until it is" seems a little to forward and kind of scary. In my opinion, this is poor advice.

Meade

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 12:12pm

I would agree...I basically thought everything in the article was good except that specific piece of advice. Asking if it's an exclusive, committed relationship before sleeping together is a very good idea...but unless you've waited, say, at least six months before sleeping together, asking whether it's headed to marriage is premature.

What I want to know at that point is that a, the guy is open to marriage as a relationship goal and b, he hasn't *eliminated* me as a potential marriage partner.

She clearly articulates my reasons for waiting to get physical...that oxytocin thing will get you every time ;-). Or as Stanford says to Carrie in Season Six where she's talking about continuing to date David Duchovny even though he's in a mental institution, "you slept with him, didn't you...sleeping with someone causes you to rationalize away all the red flags".

I'm trying to do step 5, but it's hard...I had a 4th date this week with a guy who's great on paper but *very* quiet...conversation is like pulling teeth. I don't think I can deal with another evening like that.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 1:09pm

"I criticize the article on being so pushy on the topic of marriage. I think that this
this would scare a lot of guys away. I mean, right before sex, saying “Is this an exclusive, committed relationship? And are we headed to marriage? I’m not ready to make love with you or anyone else until it is" seems a little to forward and kind of scary. In my opinion, this is poor advice."

I agree with the above statement about it being a bit forward and kind of scary and I "strongly disagree with"....... and besides for me and most of us sex is part of the relationship, if he's a bad lover or we don't sink in bed I'd rather find out before we talk about marriage.........

I also don't agree with who contacts who first on match. I've had plenty of guys I have winked at who pursued me and set up calls and dates, not the other way around. Sometimes on match you don't show up in these guys searches for some reason (I've heard that a lot) so it never hurts to do your own.

 
 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 1:14pm

Oh, good point, I meant to say that I disagreed somewhat with that, too. I've actually had the best luck with guys I approached first...although I generally send a wink/icebreaker and allow them to send me the first actual email and otherwise pursue me after that.

Sheri

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