the worst advice ever

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
the worst advice ever
15
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 1:36am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 3:08pm

I also didn't think this was bad advice at all and agree w/ alot of it.. I also agree w/ NWW that the sex thing too soon can screw things up as we women get attached quicker due to that chemical and then have higher expecations..

I don't agree w/ the marriage advice.. I think it seems pressuring unless you have both discussed it and then it never happens.

Right now I am wondering how to approach that subject.. MY man and I discussed early on when we first started dating we both wanted "long term r'ships" and I asked him he wanted more kids.. He said he wasn't against it..
NOw we are approaching 6 mths and i am wondering if he has changed his mind on the kids or if he wants to ever get married again. It's one thing to have a long term r'ship and another to think about marrying again

any tips on how to approach that question w/out the guy thinking you are asking him to marry u type thing?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-07-2006 - 9:25pm

See, this is why I discuss the marriage issue up front (and why I agree with that advice in the article). It's much easier to ask a relative stranger, on the 1st or 2nd date, "do you see yourself getting married (again)?", than to ask someone you've been dating for six months that question, because then it's more likely to be taken as "are you going to marry *me*?" And rightly so, because that's what you're probably wondering at this point.

Anyway...you are going to have to bite the bullet and reopen the subject. I would probably couch it in terms of "we talked about wanting LTRs when we first started dating...I should have been more specific at the time, but I wasn't...my mistake. I really want to be married to someone who is right for me, and so I need to know if marriage is something you are open to...not immediately, obviously, but at some point in the not too distant future." If he says yes, then you'll need to ask if you're still a potential candidate or if he's ruled you out. If things are still a go at that point, then you'll need to tackle the kids question. It'll be a tough conversation, but if the answers aren't what you're hoping for, it'll be much better to know now than another six months from now.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Sun, 01-08-2006 - 11:08am

I also agree w/ NWW that the sex thing too soon can screw things up as we women get attached quicker due to that chemical and then have higher expecations..

You missed her point; she won't have sex until she knows "he's the one" so you're talking they could date 6 months to a year with no sex? No, I don't agree. Yes, sex too soon could or could not mess things up but after you've dated a month or two and are exclusive that is fine because you don't know their style.




Edited 1/8/2006 11:10 am ET by small_peanut2005
 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-18-2004
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 11:09am

"You missed her point; she won't have sex until she knows "he's the one" so you're talking they could date 6 months to a year with no sex? No, I don't agree. Yes, sex too soon could or could not mess things up but after you've dated a month or two and are exclusive that is fine because you don't know their style."

the point i don't think was missed, but my thinking and what i have read is once female's do the act per say this chemical is released and we get attached.. therefore our expecations change and if it early on in a rship, our expectations are higher. and man may not be thinking the same as we are about where the r'ship is. that's why i refrain until i am exclusive and know that person wants to be w/ me for the other connections.

regarding asking about marriage, yes it's too late. his profile was one that said LTR .. and mine said marriage w/ kids. HE also said he wasn't against having more kids when i asked him early on..

I am worried about asking him now thinking it will seem pressuring when our r'ship is very good right now.. i do know we are headed in the right direction i am just not sure if he will be reluctant to marry again since he has already done that.. but again on the opposite spectrum he maybe more eager to be in that situation again too. but one can never assume.

so i am not sure how i will handle it yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Mon, 01-09-2006 - 11:18am
Hmm. I wouldn't say it's the worst advice ever. If your goal in OLD is getting married, why not be upfront about that? I would think it would save some time and possibly some heartache to make that clear from the beginning. I can't relate to her at all because that wasn't my goal, but what I don't get the part about letting him email you.

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