Would u set a deadline......

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Would u set a deadline......
9
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 4:26am
.......for your guy to meet you in person?

When you meet a guy online who seems to be serious with you and vice versa and all seems fallin’ into right places, do u ask him to meet you now when you noticed that he is taking this time for a person-to-person meeting? Tell us about what u think and what works best for u..

The very 1st guy I met online (still innocent in the world of online dating) was an Asian too but diff. country from mine. Anyway, we talked for several months, and thinking that he is already the ‘one’ (or so I thought), I decided to ask him to meet me in person and come over to our country. After that, things slowly changed, red flags become so clear. He gave me non-sense alibis and reasons for not coming over. I played blind over it and gave him a second chance, but thank God I went out of that boring relationship. I broke up with him on a new year’s eve because I can see that relationship is going nowhere. But it gave me a lesson.

**Met few other guys too before meeting Joe.

But with Joe right now, it’s a lot lot different; I need not ask him to meet me coz after several months of online talking, phone calls, webcaming, exchanging cards/gifts, he already told me that he is serious and have plans of coming over here, meeting me and everybody else. But we can’t meet right away coz of different factors, 1st he is Michigan while im here in the Phils, 2nd financial, he needs to save 1st , 3rd work schedule (he is running a business).

Right now I’m taking my time knowing him better online daily. So we will see, I have not set any deadline for him to meet me (I hope I will not use that option)…..I will only set a deadline (limit) if I think the relationship is goin tooooooo long enough that I can’t wait anymore.

So that’s me, what is your opinion?

Good to be back,

~Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 10:02am
Hi Jen,

So good to see you again and to know that you are doing fine, welcome back!

Well, I guess this has to be handled individually by everyone and it also depends on how far away the two people are. If you are in the same town or in short driving distance it should be possible to meet after one or two weeks, depends on how often you have talked before and if both feel ready for a personal meeting. But if you meet somebody online who is many miles away you cannot meet just for a quick coffee that easily and have to take the time to first get to know each other over email, phone and so on. If there is chemistry then it would be important for me to meet the guy as soon as possible because some things you can only find out in person and people can be different in email or at the phone from their real personality and therefore I would not want to waste my time to stay online with somebody I may not like in person. So even if there are borders, time zones or whatever in between, if two people see a chance for becoming a real couple in the future they should try to set a personal meeting within.... well, that's difficult now, I could say 2 months because that has always been my time frame but of course I know that because of certain circumstances that's not always possible.

Anyway, just online should not be much more than half a year though in my opinion. Out of my experience I can say that there is a certain point and once you are over that it's simply too late for a personal meeting and to gain something serious out of that.

I would not set a deadline like "If you cannot come and see me until .... I will simply end it" but I would tell the guy about my wish to meet in person and then see what happens. If he is really interested there should be a way. Flights can be booked in advance and are not that expensive then and work can be re-scheduled somehow. Everything is possible if two people really want!

Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Sun, 07-27-2003 - 12:40pm
Hi Jen

When I first started online dating most of the men who contacted me lived in another country. I only ended up meeting one of them. He contacted me just a couple of weeks before he made a scheduled business trip to my city. (It didn't work out by the way - no chemistry).

With the other men (too many to remember) we chatted, emailed, talked on the phone, used webcams etc for several months. I never set a deadline but over time (few weeks/months) one of us had enough and communication ended.

Now I try to stick to local men. I began to suspect that most of the men who lived far away never had any intention of meeting. I believe that if a man does not have the financial means to travel - or has other reasons for not being able to travel - he should not pursue someone who lives hundreds or thousands of miles away.

Prolonging contact solely through the computer - or even the phone - can lead to a false sense of intimacy. You really don't know someone until you meet face-to-face and this should be done as soon as possible. Some people have had success meeting someone who lived far away but when I read their stories they usually report that they met within a few months.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 1:00am
**If he is really interested there should be a way. Flights can be booked in advance and are not that expensive then and work can be re-scheduled somehow. Everything is possible if two people really want! **

- I agree in that Nicole, do u think i need to ask him now really when he is goin to meet me?(known him since january). But i know already what his answer will be, that he still need time to save more etc. and i know he doesn't like to promise anything (like a date for meeting) that he can't keep. I'll just let him to tell me that and i'm waiting... Oh well, am i confused? Can i have your insight about this..thanks

~Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 1:14am
-----I began to suspect that most of the men who lived far away never had any intention of meeting.

** Yes, i can say some of them are like that but i don't like to think it that way with Joe, coz i believe and feel he has intentions of meeting me and my intuition says that. So we will see and i'm keepin my fingers crossed..thnks

~jen


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 5:28am
Hi Jen,

I would at least ask him what he thinks how much longer the two of you would have to wait. Even if the waiting will be longer, just that you have a date set that you can look forward to (and do the counting and stuff like that) makes it easier sometime. It’s good though that he doesn’t promise anything he cannot keep later. But what is his opinion, has he ever given you a realistic time frame when he wants to come and see you? And what are your general plans if chemistry is there in person as well? Going on with a LDR or try to live together somewhere in the world? And just out of curiosity: Has Joe ever travelled abroad (did you?), does he own a passport (do you?)?

I can only tell out of my different experiences that with the guys I had chemistry online (yes Deena ;-) that’s possible!) the personal meeting came on top of the list after a few weeks latest even if we were many miles apart. One time it was him who flew into Germany (coming from NC, USA) after we have known each other for about 6 weeks, one time it was me who re-scheduled my vacation plans to meet another one in NY;USA after we have known us for about 2 months and with Rob I had already planned another US-vacation when we got to know each other this February. I was not able to re-schedule that (and to be honest didn’t want to because of my bad experiences with the guy before and the thought that one ruined vacation should be enough) so we decided to meet at the location of my vacation that was closest to Toronto. Turned out to be Chicago which was still a 10 hour-drive for him but he made it possible. I know it’s not the same driving for 10 hours in your own car than boarding a plane to a foreign continent but at least the intention should be there.

Next to that just your inner feelings count. If it’s okay for you to wait longer than it’s fine. If your inner feeling tells you something must happen now and if it won’t you cannot stand the waiting any longer, you have to do something to change the situation.

All the best to you and Joe! Hope you will find a way to come together in person soon!

Nicole

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 8:00am
I move on unless the man is (1) willing to talk on the phone after a few emails, and (2) willing to meet within a week. Exceptions - if he is out of town temporarily or going on vacation or an emergency - I will not instant message with a man I haven't met (maybe one or two, tops, to confirm plans). Then again, i won't interact with anyone who lives more than an hour or so away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2003
Mon, 07-28-2003 - 9:23am
Well, Jen my good pal. You know where I stand on this. It is all up to you. If time continues and you have not met someone, then you may start to feel as if you dont want to continue on line and phone calls. I got to that point several times with Mark as you know. So, in the end....after 5 months it was just a matter of what I wanted. I didnt want to be in an LDR anymore, be with anyone, meet anyone, blah blah. SO, for me time got the best of our little deal. No, I didnt get tired of waiting, things just changed over the 5 months. SO, it can happen to anyone and I suggest anyone waiting to meet someone for whatever reason, really evaluate how long you plan on doing so. As humans we need in person contact at some point. I would hate to see you wait more than 6 months and never meet this man. I would say a deadline is only needed if you feel he is not being honest. I would give it 6 months my rule, and if nothing is in the plans as of that point, then I say end it with friendship. Being friends until he can meet you, is not a bad thing. I just hate to see you pine away over somone on line for too long when you could be meeting others. That was me. I felt like I was losing my freedom waiting on this man to come over, and my head turned to other men. Not pursued, but I thought about dating others, so that told me I wasnt ready to committ to Mark or anyone. So....that was me, and this is you. So, you do what you feel you need to. Just dont wait too long, sweetie. Wasted time is the worst in my opinion. So, goodluck and let us all know how things are going.

GaiL:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 3:47am
Hi Nicole,

The last time he told me it would be nice to meet me maybe around fall (is it Oct. or Nov.?) if his contract work will permit and he said we will see. So I said well we will see too if our schedules will meet coz my sis in Australia by that time will be sponsoring my visit there (Aus.). I have not asked him if he has a passport, I have one though but I have not traveled abroad yet.

Well as what Gail said it’s up to me so I’ll just inform ya all if it’s near and I’ll be jumping all about.

Thnks.

~jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Tue, 07-29-2003 - 4:12am
Jen,

For me Fall starts sometimes in September and goes up until the first frosty days (do you have that over there as well, I mean temperatures under 0 C, I doubt it), so that should be a long period and I am sure he will try to manage it around your Australia visit.

Wish you luck and just do whatever seems best to you and Joe! As long as you both feel comfortable with the situation it should just be fine!

Nicole

Have posted my questions at the Member of the Week-post to keep you busy there as well ;-)