Would you call the day after sex?
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| Tue, 03-01-2005 - 4:37pm |
Would you absolutely make sure that you would call within 24 hours, and not wait until the following day to call? Even if it turned out that you weren't that interested in the other person? Would it make a difference if the sex was bad or good?
To me, waiting two days is too long - I like to hear from the other person the very next day - I sort of feel its at least courteous.
Please note: I don't really want to get into a discussion about whether or not to have sex outside of a long term committed relationship. I'm just wondering if you think it's common courtesy for the guy to at least call the girl the day after, regardless of whether it's good or bad. I just sort of feel that 2 days is being a jerk, especially if the guy is just putsing around the next day - I mean, at least take 5 frekin minutes out of your day to give a courtesy call.

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>>We attach so much significance to sex! Much more than we should.<<
Actually, if you look at it from a biological-evolutionary point of view, then women have huge reasons for sex to be important and significant.
For a man, sex leads to... an orgasm. For women, sex can lead to pregnancy, which (back in caveman days- and sometimes even today) can result in death to the woman.
So sex IS, biologically, pretty darned important to women. Fortunately, modern medicine has made it such that women die much, much less often in pregnancy/childbirth than they used to- but it's still possible.
Thus, I think the basic underlying motivation for how sex is in a relationship is much different for a man and a woman.
As far as the original question, absolutely, I'd call the day after. But then, these days I pretty much don't have sex with someone unless I'm already at a point where we're talking pretty much every day anyway.
That said, John is absolutely right- there's plenty of guys and plenty of situations where they wouldn't even think to call, because it's nowhere near the Big Emotional Watershed that it is for women.
I agree with the guys on this one (and some of the women). Sex is different for men and women in a casual relationship. We're different - not better or worse than the other - just different. We do ourselves a disservice when we don't respect those differences. Expecting a man to behave like a woman is totally counterproductive to getting what you want. Understanding the differences and then adapting your behavior accordingly is the only smart way to relate to people period - whether in love or business. I know it's difficult because it IS so different from how we would behave, but maturity requires us to step outside of ourselves to understand another person's motivation before we label him an a-hole.
With that being said, sex for a woman is an emotional risk, for the most part. There are never guarantees, but you can improve your chances of not getting your feelings hurt by waiting to have sex until he has proven by actions that he is worthy of you. Even then, it's still a risk.
It's the thing I have had the hardest time learning. It's difficult to hold out when you're totally in the moment and thinking things are going really well. AT that time, if I do give in, I do so knowing full well that I made a choice to go somewhere that I may not be emotionally ready for at the time. If the guy pulls back, then I lick my wounds and try to move on, but I don't blame him for not having the same expectations I have - especially if we've not even talked about and negotiated what we want. Well, I might bitch a bit to my friends first, but ultimately I am the only one who can take responsibility for my feelings. :-)
For me, it's not a matter of just changing the way we look at it...I don't, personally, attach a whole lot of emotional significance to having sex. However, biologically, women are wired to become emotionally attached to someone through having sex, and THAT is what I cannot overcome. It's that damn hormone, oxytocin!
So, I have given up on trying to have casual sex because no matter how detached I am about it, logically, I can't fight biology (and I've tried, believe me I've tried!).
Sheri
I have only read a few replies so I am not sure if this was covered.....but at the risk of sounding like a broken record...here goes...
If he is into you....he will call.
If he is not...he won't care about feelings, being considerate...yadda yadda yadda. In that case...you don't want to hear from him because it will just prolong him ghosting on you.
Jodie
Edited 3/2/2005 11:01 am ET ET by truewild1969
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LOL!! Must we drag poor Yukon into this discussion? Since he's male (I'm assuming), I guess we must!
I've been reading this thread with great interest. I think the point that has gotten a little bit lost is that often a woman will have first-time-sex after being TOLD by the guy that it's not casual -- hence she's not investing more than is reasonable, but undertaking an intimate action because she has been led to believe the relationship exists.
Then either he's sincere or he's not. If he's not, he won't call, and our fear that he was lying to get sex is confirmed. This happens ALL the time -- hence our ongoing difficulty in identifying players vs. sincere men.
If the man IS sincere but he doesn't call, our experience takes over and we tar him with the same brush; I'm really surprised to hear that men aren't aware that most women feel vulnerable on this score (no pun intended, though it's a good one). Because so many men lie to get sex, I'm here to tell you that many women really need reassurance after sex that we haven't been used. I don't see this as insecurity, but worry based on reality. The guy who didn't call the next day would get a pretty cool reception from me the next time he did call.
Of course, there also are the cases LG refers to, where no such conversation has taken place and a woman ASSUMES it's more than casual. that's our wishful thinking gene and that's when the difference in the significance we assign to sex comes into play. In that case I agree that the woman has tried to use sex, however subconsciously, to advance the relationship to another level.
Yes, I would absolutely call the next day.
I have gone on a few dates in my life where I could tell the girl was really into me and I more than likely could have slept with her if I had tried hard, but I wasn't that into her. I cannot do this, however. I would feel horrible the next day knowing I led her on. If she were up for casual sex (and made it clear that's all it was to her) then I of course would not have a problem with it. :)
So, if I do sleep with a woman, it generally means I am really into her too, and I would want to call the next day.
If he's into me I hope he'll call within 24 hrs because he's been thinking about me, wants to talk to me, and wants to make plans to see me again.
Well said, Nice Guy, I was wondering as I read this thread if anyone was going to bring that up. There are many other reasons but a HUGE one besides pregnancy is women are many times more likely to become the recipients of STD's from sex also. Another reason for for who/how often you have sex with to be important. Any doctor will tell a woman that she is more likely to get a disease than a man would. And the NASTY kinds that don't even show symptoms till they've seriously progressed.
Deborah
Hi Sunshine,
Thank you for your kind comments! Yes, I came to find that he was quite a bully, judgemental, and also very aggressive about a "win" of any kind! So, now that some time has passed and I took off my "boggled goggles", I can see what his troubles were, and Always will be. He does what he wants to do and is where he Wants to be, and Knows the "game" well, and how to play it, like a Pro!
It is like when my sons were young; about every fourth trip to the grocery store, I would let them pick out a candy bar to take home for after dinner, if they behaved well while we shopped. 9 out of 10 times, they NEVER ate the candy, and would take it home and put it in the fridge "for later"...which never came either! It was, I came to learn, just the "acquisition" of the thing..and then it lost its' luster.
THEY have outgrown this, but that man, at 50 something, Never had and Never Will! I cannot even feel sorry for someone who is intelligent and makes a choice like that.
On to Biggah and Bettah!
Truly,
Cupcake
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