Wouldn't it be nice...

Avatar for susananne12874
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Wouldn't it be nice...
11
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 5:06pm

...if we could just lay it all out on the line - all of our wants and needs and deal-breakers - right at the begining when we *actually have nothing to lose*??

Everyone always waits too long to be completely honest because certain things are "taboo" topics of conversation for the first few dates.

"I'll just wait to tell him that I *have* to eventually get married and have kids", or, "I'll just wait to tell her that when I said that I was a social smoker I was toning it down."

Of course then the longer we wait, the more afraid we become that we're going to lose them; so we try to hide that we don't ever plan to marry, or that we actually smoke 3 packs a day, or something else like that.

Had we just been 100% honest about our expectations, our deal-breakers and who we really are from the get-go, we might not have wasted a month or a year or longer with someone that we would have never made it to the second date with!

Is anyone else with me? I think we also avoid doing this because we don't want to seem demanding, but no matter when it comes out in a relationship, certain things that you have to have and/or will never tolerate are still going to seem demanding to the same person.

For example...
I have been married & divorced twice and have taken the time to really evaluate what I want and need in a relationship. I want to get married again. I have to have kids. I have to stay home and raise them, and that's what he prefers too so he's been working toward, and is at, a point in his life where he can support that. He's a non-smoker, as in he's never smoked. He does not do illegal drugs and hopefully has never tried them. This includes pot; no ifs, ands or buts. He can drink in moderation and does not get drunk on a regular basis, but if we're at the occasional party and it happens, that's okay. He's patient, because I can be really stubborn. He knows how to pick his battles. He can communicate effectively so as to get an idea across without offending anyone. He's a big enough man to apoligize when he's wrong and hopefully also says it with flowers and/or jewelry, depending on how wrong he was. ;-) There are many more things that I could list here, but you get the picture.

I'm just tired of wasting my time and other people's time. All in favor...?

Sue. =)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 6:07pm

You are soooo right, Suzanne! I had to realize that over time....about being upfront and perfectly honest...and I am still correcting mistakes I made in that regard. I will be for a little while longer. I am learning. However, I really agree and take heed to what you said about putting the deal breakers out front!! Great idea that I never thought of! :)

Sara

 
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 7:26pm

Hmmm...I feel like I am pretty upfront in my profile and/or the first couple meetings about who I am and what my hopes/expectations are. I'd like the same in return, but of course that is wishful thinking at least for some people ;-). Heck, I'm just happy these days if they are actually honest in what they DO put in their profiles (which should be a given, but of course it's not).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 9:25pm

I have a couple things that could be deal breakers for someone else.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 9:29pm
If I were a guy reading that, I'd be afraid I'd screw up. But maybe there is such a guy out there. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2005
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 11:47pm
I don't know if I ever want to get married, but I'm leaning strongly against that, but I would be afraid to admit it because I worry that maybe a man would think I just wanted to have a fling and nothing more.
Avatar for susananne12874
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 9:58am

The thing about chronic illness is that it's "good" for weeding out the selfish jerks. Men who are caring and nurturing will stick around. :-)

I hope you are doing well now... A good friend of mine has a chronic illness too and it never affected our friendship; just some of the things that we can do. :-)

As far as having cheated, I won't rule a guy out just because he's cheated in the past... especially if he has learned his lesson. I have been cheated on so I know the signs anyway. And there's nothing to say that someone who's never cheated won't cheat on you either, so I think that's just something that's good to get out there to show that you can learn from your mistakes and not make them again.

Sue. =)

Avatar for susananne12874
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 10:04am

You could always just tell them that, while you're not sure if marriage is for you, you do want a meaningful relationship rather than a fling. :-)

Sue. =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2005
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 9:40pm

jeanne, ok this is starting to get errie...we both were married to guys on evercrack, and I too cheated at the end of my marriage. The funny/strange thing is before my fling I would have said that I was happy in my marriage even though it was very clear to everyone else that I wasn't. the fling just served to open my eyes to how unhappy.

what was my reason...he made me feel like something other than a "wife" I felt trapped in the role of wife, caretaker, and felt 10 years older than I was.

Right now I have a friend who caught her husband having an internet fling that he swears is just email and no sex. When she asked my advice I told her that he is missing something in his own marriage and looking outside to fill the void.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 10:03pm

That is freaky!

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 11:47pm

Hi Sue,

What you have here is Exactly what you need to survive and, more, Thrive on OLD...and that is a list of exactly what you want and Do Not want in a mate! When I had the guts to make that same list and stick to it, I found TM! I then did not waste anyone's time dating them if they did not fit my criteria, and so spent a lot less time doing Agony 101, or 'what ifs"! Also, it is said that the time you are spending with the wrong mate, is time you are wasting in finding the Right one! Yes, you have to go through some mud to get to clear water, we all do and did, but that is what helps you move forward.

I know there has to be a normal period of time before you dime out all of these hard truths to someone. That time will give You space to see if the person is even Near what you desire. No one is perfect, but see if you can live with them and love them as they Are, 'cause you SHO aint gonna change them!!

OLD is a science, and scientific experiments take time, so go get the bunsen burners ready, put on your lab coat and record your findings, and you will learn it well! Not to sound so pragmatic about it, but it makes it Much easier, when you can make some sense of it all!

To the Labratory, Dr Fronkenshtein!!!

Truly,
Cupcake

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