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| Thu, 03-02-2006 - 4:30pm |
Hi again. OK. When last we left, online "favorite" who I have been emailing back and forth with (twice in immediate succession)for few weeks, was making me wonder why we hadn't talked. We finally got to the point that he gave me his number and we agreed to talk the next night. He works over 50 hrs/wk. right now. To date everything he has said has checked out. I have been hesitant because I have kids and I didn't think he would want to date someone with kids. We didn't end up talking that night. We talked the next night. We talked for 45 min. and I asked him about the issues of dating someone with kids after a while. His response was plausible (usually they don't want kids again, etc) and led me to think there was something in his past.
Anyway we emailed again today. I responded to his last one from last night and was surprised that he immediately responded (he's at work after all). I asked about the fact that we were getting snow and we got playful. VERY innocent. Snowmen etc. He made a "naked" comment that I retorted was quite...... considering we haven't met but went back and forth a few more times still innocently, intelligently playful. He got the message. I think we are both taking it slow....maybe that was a guy test of some sort. Do I wait now for just phone interaction and meeting now? I'm being myself and I think he is too but you don't know....until you know. I am also scared because I haven't felt a genuine connection to anyone like this. Any thoughts? Experiences?

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Was it a comment about YOU being naked (i.e., him seeing you naked, getting naked with you, etc.)?
I'm with you on that Stacey! I don't appreciate any type of sexual innuendoes or comments early on like that. There is even a question on eHarmony that makes me go "Hmmm..." - it's something about your views on premarital sex. I've only had it twice and each time, I've put a freeform answer that I think that is something better discussed when two people know each other better. One guy (who was quite religious according to his profile) closed me right away - I guess that wasn't the answer he wanted! The other guy went on.
Another one I get that is borderline that bugs the crap out of me is when I mention I do yoga pretty regularly, guys will say/ask something about whether or not I am flexible. Of course, I could be reading that the wrong way but...
To the OP, I agree. If that comment doesn't make you uncomfortable, then go with it. But as you have already been talking several weeks without meeting, I suggest meeting ASAP. It sounds like you are getting too comfortable with each other already. This together with the fact that you are "gushing" (sorta, lack of a better word) about him and feel this great connection even though you haven't met, will set up high expectations. Most of the time, there is not the same connection in person that you had online. If you keep things going too long, you build a fantasy that this person has no chance of living up to and you get disappointed.
I'd "next" him. It's totally out of line to make a naked comment to someone you've never met, unless of course you're basically looking for casual sex...are you?
Many if not most online "connections" fizzle in real life so I wouldn't think anything of a connection until you meet someone in person.
Sheri
That behavior (even with the "adjustment") would be totally consistent, btw, with him "grooming" you to have sex with him as soon as you meet as some guys do (I think I posted to you about that risk before).
Him calling you wouldn't mean that he wasn't doing that.
Sheri
It's just totally inappropriate to make sexual innuendos with a stranger you are thinking of dating, IMO. The thought of it makes my skin crawl...yuck! It's disrespectful on so many levels. Not to mention, there's a HUGE difference between saying "I want to see you naked" and "I don't believe in premarital sex".
Once you've met and gone out at least a few times, that's a whole different ball game. I'm talking about before you even MEET in person (and for me, personally, during the very early dating phase as well).
Now, if you're just online looking for a fling or casual sex, that's a different ball game as well.
And finally, I didn't say *all* men who talk about sex before meeting are trying to get you into bed on the first date (although I think it's safe to say that most are), I said talking about sex before meeting is something someone who is grooming a woman to do that would do.
Sheri
I wish you would post more often... it's nice to see a fresh perspective.
I think there's a difference between over-the-top innuendos and flirtatious ones. For me, flirtation is fine. I want to be able to have fun with the guy I'm talking to. But if we haven't met yet and you're telling me you want to see me naked or something, then that's past being respectful.
I hope to see you around more often!
Kerry
Why? I think most of us can appreciate a different viewpoint even though we may not necessarily agree with it. Non-confrontational debate is a good thing for everyone and can even make people see a different point of view they might not have considered before. My views have been expanded greatly by this board.
As for your question - of course. I don't want to be with someone that has completely different views on sexuality than I do. But TO ME, there is an appropriate time to bring that up and TO ME it's not before we have even met. TO YOU, you like to know very early on and not waste your time. That's fine - no one is attacking you for that view. But I prefer to get to know someone w/o the sex stuff getting in the way at first. I'm a private person and sex is not something I discuss much with anyone much less a perfect stranger. After a couple of dates, when we are more comfortable with each other, is a better time to discuss that for ME. However, I think you know pretty quickly someone's view on premarital sex. You get a "vibe" on their feelings about that usually. But if someone tells me flat out on the first date (as I had a guy who was absolutely the worst date I EVER had do), it is TMI for me.
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