You guys, I need your help! WTF????

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
You guys, I need your help! WTF????
90
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 8:17am

Here's the story: Last night I went out on a date with my current beau from Match. We've seen each other 7 or 8 times now. We've connected and clicked in ways that I never thought possible. We talk every day, and it's obvious that we have something very cool. We both have hinted to each other that this could very easily be something long term.

So last night we had a great date. We went out to a nice restaurant for dinner, and then to a haunted forest. We came back to my place, and hung out. We did end up having sex for the first time and he spent the night. We were up until 3:30am.

But here's the problem... this morning at about 6:45 he got up from bed. He woke me, but didn't know that he woke me. I laid in bed, thinking he was just going to the bathroom. But a few minutes later I heard my apartment door shut and realized he was getting in his car. I continued to lay in bed, puzzled, and then figured he was being a total sweetheart and going to get coffee or bagels or something. But, 45 minutes later, he's still not back. I got up, and realized there was a note on the counter. Here's what it said:

"Good morning. Thanks for a great time last yesterday. I woke up and couldn't fall back to sleep (strange bed syndrome) and I didn't just want to lay in bed. I took off to head back home. I will call you later."

WTF? My reaction? I'm pissed. Now, I didn't verbalize it to him, but I had plans of another round of morning sex and maybe go out to breakfast. But it never occured to me to talk about what the next morning would be like -- I totally took it for granted that he'd just hang out with me. We both had other things planned for the afternoon, but I assumed that we'd at least spend the first few hours together. He didn't kiss me good bye or wake me in any way. I feel abandoned. I feel self conscious.

How would you feel, how would you react? My first instinct is to tell him that doing that is unacceptable and rude, and that it's pushed me away in the other direction. But then another part of me is wondering if maybe it's really not that big of a deal and should blow it off.

It sucks, because now I am having doubts about whether or not he really DID enjoy himself last night, and if he's having second thoughts about us. Is this his way of saying something without actually saying it? Help!

Tobi

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 11:25am

Tobi,


I think this may be a case of faild expectations. You expected him to be thinking along your lines and he's thinking along his. I can understand you're upset, but I urge you to think of it from his standpoint. He had no idea of your expectations and won't unless you vocalize them.


I don't think anything in his actions were that terrible. He didn't want to wake you and communicated what was going on for him. If he had left without a note, I would have said let's go after him. But he didn't. He showed consideration.


I'm thinking that the real thing here is that you opened up, feel vulnerable and are afraid this is a form of rejection. Now I can totally be off here, but I don't think he is rejecting you at all. If a call doesn't come in, then that's a different story. But as of right now, I think it's ok.


Hope this helps. Keep us posted as to what happens next.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 11:28am

My x-bf didn't stay for breakfast the first couple times we spent the night together, but after that we spent the morning together almost every time.

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Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 11:29am

I'm with you on this one, Hal (are ya shocked??).

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 11:30am

<<There is no way I would have left in the morning especially if I thought things were going well.>>


The operative word there is "I." Different people deal differently. It's dangerous to hold

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 11:31am

Also, did he happen to bring his toothbrush with him on the date?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2005
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 11:39am

Morning Tobi

I haven't read the other posts yet. How old are you two? I ask because up until 2 years ago (I just turned 36 a week ago)I had the same problem aka sleeping in new boyfriends beds and would leave late or early morning HOWEVER I would kiss them on the cheek and say "don't wake up" I can't sleep, I'll talk to you later. However, he's a guy and he may not have wanted to wake you. If he had a busy day and values sleep (as I do) then he wanted to catch a few before having to do whatever he had on his agenda today.

Now that I'm older and wiser I suck it up UNLESS I have work the next day and I know it will be stressful but I will say the longer you date and the longer you spend the night and one anothers places the easier it will be to fall asleep...the first night is always impossible for me to fall completely asleep.

He did leave you a note and I'd say sweetly, sweetie, next time I'd love to wake up with you and have breakfast or something to that affect but I seriously think you're overreacting a tiny bit which is natural considering you just had sex for the first time correct? I too enjoy doing the breakfast thing the next morning, we're chicks, c'mon, ha!

Hey, don't stress - it's all good - trust me.

Ms. Peanut

 
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-03-2004
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 11:52am

I appreciate your pov, hal. Not what I would wish to hear, but it's something to think about.

I guess I AM tolerant of the foibles of others. I can't believe that that would be a bad thing in this case, though. You are right in that he SHOULD have stayed. But he didn't, it's early days in the intimate part of the relationship, and growing pains have to be expected. I couldn't bring myself to judge him harshly right out of the gate. Patience is always rewarded, IMHO.

amjay

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 12:06pm

I respectfully disagree. And no way would I even bring it up. Way too early to whine and have expectations of someone you hardly know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2005
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 12:21pm
<<>> Hal, you sound like such a catch I can't believe no one has snatched you up! Where do you live and how old are you??? ;-)
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2005
Sun, 10-16-2005 - 12:24pm
Connecticut??? lol

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