You know, I think this ...
Find a Conversation
| Sun, 02-20-2005 - 10:28pm |
I think this having-a-thick-skin business is a whole heck of a lot easier said than done. When I was thinking about trying this online dating thing, I was going to do it sensibly. I read up on it, took my time, and proceeded with caution - safety and all.
So I know not to expect too much too soon. That an online exchanges aren't real and that a first time meeting is just that and nothing more. That makes sense. It really does. But still, when I have a good time, good conversations and enjoyed the first one (or two) get-togethers with someone then I just can't not care when I don't hear back. I mean, it's not like I was picking out china patterns yet or anything, but when I liked him well enough to think I'd like to see him again and he doesn't then that kinda stings.
It has happened twice to me now. I knew that something along this line could happen. And probably WOULD happen. But I have to confess that there was some part of me that didn't really think it would happen to me. Or maybe a better way to say it is that there was part of me that was really hoping that it wouldn't happen to me.
I'm trying to remind myself that if someone isn't into me then it's better to know sooner than later so it's easier to get over it and move on before I really get my emotions involved. Or more involved. I just need a thicker skin is all. I've figured out that a thick skin has to be earned.
So here I am, rambling, and venting out my own personal pity party. I'm going to take a hot bath, get a good night's sleep and I think everything will look a lot better in the morning.
Thanks for listening.

Pages
Amen, sister ... vent and party on! I mean, how thick does skin have to get before you just completely wall off and not care at all? I'm a very empathetic, emotional, sensitive creature. I kinda like that about me! But what I don't like is the boot marks on my body from someone stepping over me to get to the next conquest. After a while, you start sniffing your pits, checking your teeth ... wondering what the heck you said, did, or if you just aren't all that!
I guess the bottom line is that we treat each meeting like a huge audition for a good part in a play. Until we get the part of a lifetime, we just have to read script after script, smile and bat our eyes, and work with hideous actors and directors that should be sooooo NEXT in our book!
~~h~~
Amen.
Online Dating = Instant Quick Fix Relationship Cure.
...Have a fight with the BF/GF? Go online for a quick ego boost.
...Haven't had a date in a while? Go online and find several first date partners.
...Don't know how to have an in-person relationship - do it via email!
Online Dating works best for people who enjoy drinking a lot of coffee while making small talk with strangers. Again, and again and again....
LG...
Pianoguy is complete agreement with you.....especially
Hi,
I had to reply to this - I am new here, but posted last week....
I have had the exact same thing happen to me and twice too. This goes beyond having a thick skin IMO. I can handle rejection, but I am not getting rejected, I am getting LED ON and deceived and that is a whole different story. No amount of thick skin can prepare you for this.
You said these dates are going well you are even going out more than once and they disappear....Are they "saying" they will call you again and making future plans? If they are going on a second date and just walking away then they may just not think you are right for them and even though that hurts, you should not think it's YOU. However, I am getting people who in now two cases I had a great time with, we really hit it off, talked nonstop, there was an attraction, a promise for a third date and a call (NOT prompted from me) then a disappearing act. This SHOULD hurt! No thick skin can prepare you for this, I wasn't "expecting" anything more than what they TOLD me to expect and then getting blown off. I can't even trust my instints about people anymore.
I don't tolerate this behavior.....never in my life have I acted like I liked a man and wanted to go out with him again when those were not my intentions. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I was acting in a way that would that was hurtful, would cause confusion and quite justifiably effect their self esteem.
I have decided it is appropriate to fire off nasty emails expressing my confusion and hurt and telling these people NOT to tell people they will call again when they have no intention to. I am 38 years old and these are adult professional men I am dealing with. I want to say "they know better" but I am beginning to believe they don't - as the women may not be expressing this and that just let's people get away with it and keep doing it to others. I think the whole "next" rationale is a license for these men to behave badly and not care about any confusion they leave behind.
I only ask for honesty, I give that and expect the same back. There is nothing wrong with holding people you meet to STANDARDS.
Thanks for letting me vent
Deborah
An honest man? LMAO - lemme know if you find one. He's like finding a rare diamond in the caves of Africa.
Lisa
Hey Deborah,
I didn't mean my post to be a slam on the two men involved. And while both our experiences are similar, they might be a little different so what I'm going to say in the next couple of paragraphs is my own opinion about me. I'm not going to tell you what you should feel or should have done.
I think that often people (both men & women) will say one thing and do another. And MAYBE they even mean it at the time but they have second thoughts, or something has changed, or whatever. OR maybe it was just the easiest way for them to end the evening. But I don't think that makes them bad people. Inconsiderate or indecisive maybe. Or both. I personally don't feel led on. Just disappointed. And a little hurt. And, like Holly said, I start wondering what's wrong.
I don't think it's justified, at least in my situations so far, to send nasty emails. Even if I'm tempted, what good would come of it? It's not like my venting to them is going to make them like me more. ... So I just vent here and make you all suffer instead! *grin*
But still, I agree with you that people people shouldn't. And mabye I don't want to get so calloused that I don't care. Just a little bit more is all. Is that possible? I'd like to think so.
I hope things turn around for you!
Okay, hang on a minute here...
First, you say:
>>I can handle rejection, but I am not getting rejected, I am getting LED ON and deceived and that is a whole different story.<<
Then you said:
>>I am getting people who in now two cases I had a great time with, we really hit it off, talked nonstop, there was an attraction, a promise for a third date and a call (NOT prompted from me) then a disappearing act.<<
I'm sorry, but I'm not really seeing how you're being tremendously "led on". Two dates? You really feel like you've been "led on" by some guy after just two dates?
Two dates is nothing. Two dates is "should barely know the basic details about someone", like their name and what they do for a living and whether they've got children or not. Two dates is NOT a big relationship, IMO.
I think it stinks. I've been there, we all have; it feels like we're being "led on" a bit... but let's face it, it's only TWO DATES. In the grand scheme of things, two dates just isn't very much! I honestly don't think we can have big expectations of someone after just two dates.
Until/unless you actually have set up a firm date/time for a date, you can't expect that someone's going to make it to one (whether it be first, third, whatever). That's just not how dating works. The way it works is that we use those first few dates to decide if we're really going to try launching into a relationship with someone, and somewhere in that second-third-fifth date range is where people decide to bail out on it.
.
>>I have decided it is appropriate to fire off nasty emails expressing my confusion and hurt and telling these people NOT to tell people they will call again when they have no intention to.<<
It might be appropriate, but it's not going to do you much good. The guy is going to look at it and not get it, because he's going to think that his message to you was PERFECTLY clear- if he didn't set up a third date, he didn't want one, because he wasn't into you.
If you haven't read it yet, go get a copy of "He's Just Not That Into You" and pay particular attention to how frequently the women in the book complain about how guys seem to say one thing (ie, they're enjoying themselves and having a good time and going to want to go out again) and seem to DO another (ie, not go out with a gal again).
To men, their *actions* show whether or not they're into you. My strong, strong suggestion to you and to every woman here is to quit thinking that because a guy seems to be having a good time and enjoying himself on the first two dates, that automatically means he's leading you to believe there's going to be a third.
Instead, take a page from Sheri's (NorthWestWanderer's) book and realize that until a third date (until ANY date) is actually set up and gone upon, it hasn't happened, isn't going to happen, and you can't count on it.
I know this message seems harsh, but I really think this is a basic disconnect between how women work and how men work. If a guy is into you, he WILL set up a third date; until he does, you have to figure that he's just not that into you.
Hi Nelle,
Thanks for your thoughts. At least you don't feel led on and at least you weren't lied to. I can answer "yes" I was to both. No amount of a thick skin can prepare you for that. That is causing serious trust issues for me with these people.
You said, "I think that often people (both men & women) will say one thing and do another."
THAT'S a problem for me. Saying one thing and doing another is called - plain and simple - deceit. These men "are" lying if they behave that way and these sort of actions call some serious character questions into issue.
This isn't rocket science.....you can pretty much tell when these dates are not going well.....those are left with a "had a nice time....see ya" and there really aren't any hurt feelings on anyone's part, disappointment maybe and a little insecurity like "was I not fun, pretty, interesting, etc?..."
I have had my share of those. What I thought you were talking about (and I apologize to jump in when I see we are now not talking about the same thing) is that I have made it to a second date, everything was going great, he even called my work for a third date, made plans for me to see his house, meet one of my other friends who we have mutual things in common with and then POOF! he disapears.
He even knew about my past issues with meeting flakes, I told him in no uncertain terms that I wanted nothing less than honesty, and STILL these games.
Maybe I AM the only one this stuff happens to! That's why I am quitting. The other one was a no show TWICE. Yeah, I think they deserved an email after that. They were lucky I had the self control not to call, because I wouldn't have been responsible for what I said. I'm not used to this crap.....
All my friends think this is SO bizarre....No one has ever heard of this stuff. That's why I came here to try to get some answers....
Hi Nice guy,
I appreciate your thoughts, I will repeat this part:
"if he didn't set up a third date, he didn't want one, because he wasn't into you."
He DID set up a third date for the following week, that's what I met by promise. He never followed through, I have never heard back and it's been two weeks.
Don't make more of this than what it is....where did I imply a "relationship" here in any of my posts? This is a common courtesy and I "do" deserve an explanation. If nothing else it is RUDE beyond belief. I have NEVER done this to a man so why should I passively accept it when it is done to me?
THAT's why OLD is not for me. This has never happened before to me in real life.
That's what bothers me
Pages