You know, I think this ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
You know, I think this ...
30
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 10:28pm

I think this having-a-thick-skin business is a whole heck of a lot easier said than done. When I was thinking about trying this online dating thing, I was going to do it sensibly. I read up on it, took my time, and proceeded with caution - safety and all.

So I know not to expect too much too soon. That an online exchanges aren't real and that a first time meeting is just that and nothing more. That makes sense. It really does. But still, when I have a good time, good conversations and enjoyed the first one (or two) get-togethers with someone then I just can't not care when I don't hear back. I mean, it's not like I was picking out china patterns yet or anything, but when I liked him well enough to think I'd like to see him again and he doesn't then that kinda stings.

It has happened twice to me now. I knew that something along this line could happen. And probably WOULD happen. But I have to confess that there was some part of me that didn't really think it would happen to me. Or maybe a better way to say it is that there was part of me that was really hoping that it wouldn't happen to me.

I'm trying to remind myself that if someone isn't into me then it's better to know sooner than later so it's easier to get over it and move on before I really get my emotions involved. Or more involved. I just need a thicker skin is all. I've figured out that a thick skin has to be earned.

So here I am, rambling, and venting out my own personal pity party. I'm going to take a hot bath, get a good night's sleep and I think everything will look a lot better in the morning.

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 1:44pm

Way to stick up for yourself! I totally agree.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 1:46pm

"I honestly don't think we can have big expectations of someone after just two dates."

How big are your expectations after your great first date? Wouldn't you be just a little hurt if that chick just disappeared on ya?

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2005
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 2:11pm

Thank you Lisa,

The only thing that has saved what self esteem I have left after these game players is to take the "I'm mad as Hell but I'm not going to take it anymore" stance.

It also reminds me that "I" actually have the character I claim to have in my profile if I can at least step up to the plate and face people off with my true feelings. I AM hurt and even though I know I can vent here - THEY did it and they need to hear it. I am still upset (not a newsflash I'm sure) and deservedly so. If they had any character (not to mention guts) they would be up front with their feelings and intentions. I have NO PROBLEM telling a guy "this is not a fit" if I don't want to go out again. Why leave him hanging? I have more respect for people than that quite frankly. Oh well, I must be a wacko or something.....

Anyway, If it is done with tact and sensitivity there are no hurt feelings. I know because the guys have told me "I appreciate your honesty". They know EXACTLY where they stand.

Nice Guy and others have said that this is how "people behave". That may be so but I don't have to accept it. It's called weaseling in my book. I don't like it and silence is assent IMO.

Oh well, the rant continues.....Sorry for my vitriol.

Deborah

Oh, and if anyone thinks I am a first class "you know what" after all this, the title on my profile is "Nice Girl With An Edge" I guess a few people I met had to find out the hard way just where it is they fall off. At least I was honest....

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 3:06pm

If it's never happened to you other than with men you met online, then you need to chalk that up to luck. It happened to me and plenty of my friends *plenty* of time pre-OLD. It's just part and parcel of dating...sad, but true. As NGOL says, I don't count on anything until it actually happens and I take *everything* that's said early on in the dating process with a HUUUGE grain of salt!

Sheri

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 3:11pm

So long as you're not expecting that you're going to change anyone's behavior with your emails, vent away! Personally, I prefer not saying anything...for ME (and I know everyone's different), that feels better (like I'm taking the high road). I am emphatically NOT assenting, I'm simply recognizing that they are showing me who they are, and my saying something isn't going to change who they are.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 3:57pm

Yeah, I know. It sucks. I also did NOT have one guy ghost on me at all in my dating life before OLD. Only after. And they still have their profiles up even 4 years later. I wonder how many people are truly looking for relationships. As time goes on, I think they're just looking for something to do for that coming weekend.

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 5:11pm

You can add me to your list of people you know who have had similar experiences with men both on and off OLD.


I've met plenty of men - not via OLD - who set up dates and didn't follow through .


I've also dated men - not via OLD -

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 6:25pm

Hi Deborah,

Sorry you had to experience that with the dating. It isn't easy whether you do OLD or regular dating.

When I first started OLD, I had to learn not to be so sensitive and not to get my feelings hurt so easily. I had to learn not to let things bother me and if a guy acted like he was interested on the first date, not to take it seriously until there was definite follow up and more dates that he followed through on. The ones that didn't work out, I had to learn to let go of any disappointment and move on to the next one.

So now I meet guys with having no expectations, so there is much less let down if it isn't a good thing. But I do this with regular dating also. I don't like how many people are with OLD, but it is how it is, and a person can either do it and accept how it is, or they can choose not to do it.

But with regular dating, people are just as likely to ask for another date and never follow up or they say they'll call you and they don't. It's just with OLD, I feel that we have more exposure to more people than we would have otherwise. Yes there are many jerks out there who will lie to you to see if they can score within the first date to the first couple of dates. They know exactly what women want to hear and have great timing at delivering the lines. Not all guys of course...

But with OLD, as I sort through the guys and delete, I think of it as weeding. But sometimes it's hard to tell a flower from a weed, as even weeds can look nice at first!

As far as a thick skin goes, I guess in a way I had to learn to toughen up some in order to play the OLD game, but I think with any new event or game we participate in, we have to learn the rules and how the game is played - which doesn't by any means make these ways necessarily right, but that's how it goes. So we all have the choice of whether we want to play any particular game or not.

You said, "...This is a common courtesy and I "do" deserve an explanation. If nothing else it is RUDE beyond belief. I have NEVER done this to a man so why should I passively accept it when it is done to me?..." I agree, many things are rude with many of the guys who do OLD and many don't even know what common courtesy means! But I'm sure there are women who do the same thing. But I have also met some really nice guys through OLD, who for one reason or another just didn't work for me... but good ones are out there who have manners, consideration, honesty, and can still be a lot of fun. The trick is in finding these rare finds!

The book Nice Guy talked about does sum up how many men feel about dating and even though many of the things that they say and do to women are not courteous and are mean, they do happen that way - it's reality. Many times at the end of a date, guys will say they'll call you, just to get out of the situation without going through a confrontation...but they KNOW that they never have any intention of calling you. Is it right, no, but it's how they deal with it... evasive creatures for sure ... and guys on here: I realize that not all guys are like that!

I have been dating a guy I met through OLD for about a month now and he is very much into me and what a difference without the games! It's very refreshing. But I feel that no matter in what way you meet a prospective date, the possibility for the game playing and the dishonesty exists. You just have more exposure to more people with OLD.

But Deborah I wish you much luck in whatever way you pursue the dating world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 6:43pm

>>He DID set up a third date for the following week, that's what I met by promise. He never followed through, I have never heard back and it's been two weeks.<<

So you were stood up? There was an actual day and time when you were supposed to either meet, or he was supposed to come to your house and pick you up, and you guys had a plan for what you were going to do (dinner, movie, walk in the park, have sex, whatever)?

Yes, that's horrible, and deserves to be reprimanded.

BUT... I got the distinct impression that it was more of a "sure, I'll call you, we'll go out again next weekend" and then he ghosted on you. By saying "he never followed through" makes me think that there was never a firm day/time/activity planned.

If it was the latter, well, you did NOT have a date promised. Until you have a firm day/time/activity planned, you don't really have a date.

For some reason, in the dating world (and it's NOT just OLD- I've seen this in "traditional" dating too) people say "I'll call you and we'll go out again" or things like it all the time without really meaning it.

It's just like the scores of women who claim that they "just want a normal guy" and swear that they are "not into looks", but who never respond to emails. Are they all a bunch of liars in their profiles? No, it's just something that everyone says but very few people actually mean.

I'm not saying either one of these things is right; I'm saying it's how they are. Best thing is to work to change it, but if we let ourselves get too upset by things being what they are we're going to be upset all the time. Who wants to date someone who's upset all the time? Not me!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 6:47pm

>>How big are your expectations after your great first date? Wouldn't you be just a little hurt if that chick just disappeared on ya?<<

Um, she already asked me out for tomorrow night, and we've got firm plans. :)

Sure, I'd be a bit bummed if she just disappeared. I had another great first date several weeks ago, and we even SET a day/time/activity for a second date, and then she cancelled (which, granted, is different than just ghosting). I was a bit bummed.

But I wouldn't be complaining about being "led on", either.

"Led on" is when you have a relationship with someone for some time and then you discover they're married. "Led on" is when you date someone for a couple of months and then find out they're not really 32, they're 42. "Led on" is when someone knows that you don't want to become sexually intimate until you're mutually exclusive and in love, but they sleep with you even though they don't feel like that.

"Led on" is NOT when you have "sure, let's go out next weekend" tentative plans for a third date and then someone ghosts. That's just typical dating BS that nearly everyone comes across at some point or another.