You know, I think this ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2005
You know, I think this ...
30
Sun, 02-20-2005 - 10:28pm

I think this having-a-thick-skin business is a whole heck of a lot easier said than done. When I was thinking about trying this online dating thing, I was going to do it sensibly. I read up on it, took my time, and proceeded with caution - safety and all.

So I know not to expect too much too soon. That an online exchanges aren't real and that a first time meeting is just that and nothing more. That makes sense. It really does. But still, when I have a good time, good conversations and enjoyed the first one (or two) get-togethers with someone then I just can't not care when I don't hear back. I mean, it's not like I was picking out china patterns yet or anything, but when I liked him well enough to think I'd like to see him again and he doesn't then that kinda stings.

It has happened twice to me now. I knew that something along this line could happen. And probably WOULD happen. But I have to confess that there was some part of me that didn't really think it would happen to me. Or maybe a better way to say it is that there was part of me that was really hoping that it wouldn't happen to me.

I'm trying to remind myself that if someone isn't into me then it's better to know sooner than later so it's easier to get over it and move on before I really get my emotions involved. Or more involved. I just need a thicker skin is all. I've figured out that a thick skin has to be earned.

So here I am, rambling, and venting out my own personal pity party. I'm going to take a hot bath, get a good night's sleep and I think everything will look a lot better in the morning.

Thanks for listening.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 6:54pm

Does the terminology really matter all that much in this case? She's brand new to this so yeah, I bet she did feel "led on".

Lisa

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2005
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 11:25pm

Hi Nice Guy,

You said: "BUT... I got the distinct impression that it was more of a "sure, I'll call you, we'll go out again next weekend" and then he ghosted on you. By saying "he never followed through" makes me think that there was never a firm day/time/activity planned".

We had plans for early the next week and he was still struggling with work hours (these ARE legitimate, I wouldn't accuse a guy of using that as an excuse when I know he is working 90+ hours a week). When he called again Friday (he had even went as far as to track me down at work) we had everything set but the time. No sense of hedging at all. In fact "It will be great when I see you again" are the exact words. After all that, I would say leading on.....I wouldn't go through ANY of that for a guy I wasn't even interested in. (The other guy BTW was a definite stand up - so I was still pretty raw from that)

As far as the leading on goes - the things you described as leading are happening AFTER relationship has started - I'd say you are already IN then and those are relationship issues. Men and women see things differently I guess.

I have been accused of "leading a man on" by giving him a LOOK he misinterprets....Nothing more than that..... and I am upset because a guy is setting frigging dates he won't keep.

He HAD to know....I mean I have only posted a few messages and I think my boundaries are clear to anyone reading....After hours and hours of talking and sharing histories over 3 weeks time on the phone (and our first dinner date lasted 2 1/2 hours)he had to have known (I told him over and over) that I just wanted honesty during all of the dates after what I had been through.

I can't convey everything that happened, I know what was said and I know I spent a lot of time with him to be blown off. I told him early on I wanted to secure a friendship if nothing else. To give you an idea how shocked I was I even checked the accident reports in the paper....I was THAT sure....That is why I am upset. I can't trust myself anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2005
Mon, 02-21-2005 - 11:44pm

Sunshine;

Thanks for your well thought out and informative reply. You pretty much said it all. I agree with what you are saying (doesn't take the hurt and confusion away) and I decided I am just not cut out for this. I can only deal with people on terms we agree to (we did) and when I set boundaries with these men and tell them I want to be informed of their intentions I don't appreciate a disappearing act. I am much better equipped to handle the truth.

I am familiar with HJNTIY. I wish that were more of the case here....i.e. Women will meet a guy and have it in her head that he likes her based on next to nothing and then make every excuse in the world for why he doesn't call her and even rationalize calling him. There is a bit of a difference when a person TELLS you he wants to continue dating (you don't assume this) Tells you he will call, (not just hint or do a "call you whenever number") then you do have a certain point where you are rightfully confused and hurt.

It's just too bizarre. I wish it was me upset over nothing. My coworkers who were following this saga and even met him were shocked too. They were convincing ME he was "the one". I was just taking things he said at face value and still got let down (he said things then didn't do them plain and simple) I shouldn't feel like "I" was getting my hopes up - he said those things and made those plans - Not me.

Thanks Again for listening. I will crawl back in my hole now.....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Wed, 02-23-2005 - 3:08am

Hi Deborah,

I think we all feel let down by these people at times, I know it's happened to me. I didn't want to change how I am, as I am a very trusting person who believes what others share with me, but with OLD I had to learn the way of the game and learn to let things roll off instead of letting them get to me.

A few months after after my divorce was final, I tried OLD and just wasn't ready for it, I was too vulnerable and was questioning my self worth at times, so I stopped doing OLD. It was too hard at that time in my life, I believe, to handle any rejection or being lied to.

So instead, at that time, I worked on my healing and began to believe in myself more and in the truely good person that I knew I was. Then when I tried OLD a few months later, I went into it as a different person who could handle the rejection of OLD in a better and healthier way, because now I knew it was their loss and not mine!

It's all in the attitude we present to the world and what we truly believe of ourselves, in the type of people that will be attracted to us. They say like attracts like and I have found that to be so very true. But this attitude of believing in ourselves has to be honestly felt by us and not just pretended as a front.

I have met men through OLD that are not ready to date at all, but are looking for a bandaid to cover their wounds and feel better temporarily, the quick fix - but they still have all of these unattended issues that keep cropping up. At first I felt sorry for them and wanted to continue to make them feel better as I am a fixer type personality and very caring, but learned that these men were not good for me and I finally accepted that I had to let them heal in their own time. We all face and work through our issues ONLY when we are willing to do so and not a minute before. I was at a different stage in my life and being with those types of men was not healthy for me and was hindering my growth and happiness.

So I guess what I am saying is that I am at a healthier place in my life now and therefore am attracting more of the healthier men also - yes there are still the others that sneak in at times though! Weed, weed, weed!

I am wondering if also the excitement of your co-workers may have added to these feelings of disappoinment and hurt when the guy didn't follow through as he said. I know nothing takes the hurt and confusion away really, but there was probably a reason why it didn't work - like maybe he would have irritated you very much later, possibly lied to you, or many other things - that now you have avoided even going through, by it ending.

I have no idea what you are going through in your life right now and I'm not sure if any of this applies to you in any way, but I wanted to share this with you and wish you much luck and clarity as you move on along your path through life.

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2005
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 12:34am

Hi Sunshine;

You said; "I have no idea what you are going through in your life right now and I'm not sure if any of this applies to you in any way, but I wanted to share this...."

No, you are pretty much right on.....I would say it all applies.

I went through a bad breakup myself 9 months ago, which felt like a divorce, and I am still healing. For the record, I have had professional counseling for these issues and the person I was seeing thought this was the best thing for me to try to date others at this point. I have even practiced setting boundaries (for the first time) but people still keep crossing them. I am taking a break like you said you had to also.

You mentioned my coworkers....you are a very astute person. Their attitudes factored a lot in to this, I think. I was getting totally different feedback from them than I am getting from OLD'ers. When I had made it past date two and he had set date three and I STILL didn't want to get my hopes up I got a lecture from them. It went like, "OK Deborah, lets review; your first phone conversation lasted for over two hours, he has been regularly calling you, even when he was scheduled for a 24 shift at the hospital he called you on his first break, on your first date (dinner no less - no coffee shop) it lasted for over two hours, you talked with each other nonstop and you even got locked out of the parking garage that night. A week later he is taking you to lunch and now planning for you to see the house he is building. He also offered to help you with your ill dog. Wake up- He LIKES you! You need to realize you finally met someone nice and who is REAL and have some confidence that things can finally work out for you".....

All right. You know the rest. He ghosted at that point. (and no - I wasn't scaring him off or getting "serious" or anything - heck it was more HIM, I was cautiously optimistic at best) You can imagine their reaction. Total shock and disbelief. Even checking the accident reports from the paper with me to see if he was alive because there was "no way he can do this". Well, I guess there is: HJNTITY

The craziness is, were my coworkers that wrong? In hindsight any "normal" person would think like them. I just don't think I am in a normal world anymore. Nothing makes sense.

Thanks

Deborah

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 1:35am

I realize it's disheartening. Rejection sucks, period. It's no easier after 2 dates than it is after 2 months of dating, imo. In fact, sometimes the shorter ones are a bit more ouchy because it was largely based on "potential". I guess the issue is how to date and enjoy someone without either a) being totally skeptical and jaded or b) losing your mind. I'm not sure it's possible. You're playing with your heart here and that's a risky proposition. Especially when you've had some bad experiences.

I wish I had a good answer for your but I'm still trying to work on this one myself. I guess the best you can do is try to look at each one as a stepping stone to get you closer to what you want. Recognize that they had some good traits that perhaps you weren't aware of before you met this one and add that to your list of qualities in your ever-evolving picture of your perfect mate.

The worst thing we can do is to focus on the negative as I'm one who believes we attract what we put out there. If we're walking around with our hands up as a shield, we're likely to get someone who is going to give us what we're afraid of. The problem is that once you're in that negative place, it's difficult to snap out of it.

For me, I had gotten so frustrated with meeting really unappealing men OL, that I just had a little temper tantrum one night in my bedroom. I let out all my anger and frustration and yelled out to the Universe for help. I said I was tired of OLD and wanted to meet someone in real life. Wouldn't you know I met someone within 3 weeks and we dated for 2 months. Great guy and a great, healing relationship.

3 days after we ended things I met a guy OL. Now he wasn't totally my type but I was attracted to him and he pursued me. We dated for almost a month. I ended it 2 weeks ago because there were just a lot of differences. But it was a positive experience.

The day I broke it off with this guy, I got a message from someone totally cute and interesting on friendster. We talked for a week, had coffee, hit it off and had our first date Saturday night. I thought it went amazingly well but I haven't heard from him. So I got a little cranky and could feel myself getting frustrated. This one felt like a really solid match - what a drag. So instead of getting too much in my head about it, I went to the gym and forced myself to snap out of it.

It's not easy. When you click with someone you automatically want it to progress. If it doesn't, and the person doesn't handle it with grace it stings. But you will get over it and perhaps when you meet the next one who is even better than the last, you'll give a little wink to the big U, knowing that it was looking out for you all along.

Okay, that was really me giving you the advice I needed to hear!!

XO

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2005
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 1:39am

Hi Deborah,

Breakups can feel like divorces, no matter what, an ending is an ending and it hurts. I was married 25 years, and yes it did hurt after the divorce, but you know, it actually hurt more during the marriage - so my breakup was pretty much relief that I finally ended the farce. But still there is hurting and healing that needs to happen before a person is ready to move on and date again.

Just because your counselor felt you were ready to date doesn't mean that you are, they don't know everything - only YOU can know how you truly feel and if you are ready to date. I have found that counselors can project onto you their personal issues and how they either handled or would have liked to have handled their issues, which may be similar to yours, but yet their ideas may not be particularly correct for YOUR situation and how you should handle it. They are only human after all... But I am glad that you did the counseling, as I feel it can really help a person to understand things about themselves IF they have the right counselor - the right fit.

A guy friend of mine has been going through counseling for the past 5 months and has not been dating at all and isn't ready to yet either, until he feels good enough about himself to include a partner into his life. He is getting into some deep stuff that he needs to work through and it's been really difficult for him, but I'm so proud of how he has been peeling away layer upon layer and is getting to the real issues that have affected his life and why he feels as he does now. It's such a hard process, and he had to be brave in order to do it, but I can see such a change in him already and I know from my own experience that counseling has helped me with my issues also.

I just felt like your coworkers had worked up your expectations and this was hurting you some also. I think generally, most of us want others to be in happy relationships, and maybe some people even live vicariously through the excitement and newness of the budding relationship of others, which I feel may have been the case with some of your coworkers...

You said you don't think you are in a normal world anymore - Deborah what is normal anyway?!!! I had a pin a long time ago that said - Why Be Normal! I have learned not to have expectations and then I am not as let down or hurt as easily when things don't go as I had wanted them to. I don't particularly like to be like this, but it is something I had to do in order to move through and survive this lovely world of dating!

But my take on this guy is that he probably has some kind of issues that he thought he had dealt with and he does really like you and wants to see you, but the more the dates started adding up, his issues came up to bite him and he felt them all over again and couldn't handle the overwhelming undealt-with feelings. So NOT confronting things is much easier, so he ghosted. I wouldn't take it as a personal thing at all! It's his problem all the way! And it is his loss my dear - all the way!

You said you set boundaries and the guys cross them - I used to be more like that also, but I guess over time I learned not to be as rigid and to flow more with what life gives me. In my "perfect world", people would say what they really think, follow through with what they say they will do, and be positive, happy, kind, and content (oh yeah and I'd never have to worry about gaining weight and could always eat anything I'd like to!).... but I'm not perfect and neither is the world around me, so I continue to learn and grow from each life experience. I consider nothing a mistake, as long as I have learned something from it and apply what I learned to my present life, and in other situations that come along over time.

I have a book that really helped me a lot - it is called - Brave New You: 12 Dynamic Strategies For Saying What You Want & Being Who You Are - by Mary and John Valentis Ph.D. I don't know if you like to read, but I feel that this is a very informative and helpful book.

Deborah, you'll get there in your own time. Just trust yourself and when you are ready, dating and the strangeness that comes along with it won't bother you quite as badly. As we grow a thicker skin, it doesn't make us less in our worth as people, we are just smarter and more in control of what we "allow" to happen to us and to affect us. Sure there are still times I get hurt, but the difference is now that I pick myself up and move on and know that I'm a great person, no matter what others think, say, or do to me! Besides, it's just their opinion anyway - not mine - and mine is really the only one that matters!

Take care of your fantastic self!

Sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2004
Thu, 02-24-2005 - 2:14am

Hi Y'all,

Like those here, I am educated and intelligent, and have a Great memory when it comes to what is said to me, so like the ladies here, I KNOW what I heard these men SAY to me. I did not "Tinkerbelle" it and dream it up, or forecast it, hoping that is "what he meant". No, I HEARD these words: "You are everything I have been looking for and I am crazy about you". Two months later, I got dumped by email because he was "Not happy with his personal life", but he went on to catalog how 'addicted' he was to so many things about me. hrrghhh?....

Confusing? You Bet!

That is what makes this so doggone hard! So, from them on, and that was after 2 1/2 months of dating, and we had Great times together, never a moment's negativity, that I decided to build the "armadillo armor" around my little heart. Hand me that power drill, will ya?
And I have to say since then, I have taken all of this at Face value and nothing more!

DO I like it this way? Nope! But I think that OLD has bred a new moron that is moving on to greener pastures at the speed of light and has the etiqutte of day old bread! But, this is the 'new age' and at 48, I am gonna learn these 'new tricks'!

Meanwhile, I place my sons, friends and myself First and I do what I have to do , to get what I need. I would rather be alone than Compromise! While none of us like this 'new direction',I think all we can do is be true to Ourselves, remain a lady/gentleman at all times, and move forward...Ding! Next!

Maybe, just maybe...there is still a Real man out there...forget kissing frogs, this is more like a cattle drive! Ye-Haw!

I am just Very glad we have this message board, it is a light at the end of the tunnel often, for me! Gracias!
Truly,
Cupcake

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2005
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 8:44pm

Dari,

Thanks for taking the time to share what you have went through and remind me (and you) that you have to keep bouncing back. Yes, easier said than done. I wasn't looking for a fairytale online, but I wasn't prepared for this many games and the letdowns that have ensued.

I can honestly say that if I had to do it all again that I STILL wouldn't have seen it coming. At least not with the last guy. I don't think any amount of learning or preparation can help me keep getting "back on the horse" when I am playing this game where the deck is stacked against me. I am at least being honest and they are not.

I know, more negative thinking.....I will try to quit but it is SO hard.

(BTW, sorry if I keep bumping up this thread; I wanted to reply to the genuine responses I got that mean a lot to me. I have only married friends and I really have no one single to solicit advice from. I am home on a Friday night (of course) and this is the first time I have had to reply. The topic is still pretty appropriate as it seems that many are going through various stages of this. These threads move FAST, so I apologize if I shouldn't be posting - I have been watching this board for two weeks, but don't really know the etiquette. I DO have a new update so I will be starting a new thread for that).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2005
Fri, 02-25-2005 - 8:51pm

Sunshine,

All I can say in response to your great post is - WOW - I hope I get where you are someday.

The skin here is definitely not thick enough. By the time it is, I will be too old to date anyway :)

Also, you said;

You may be right about that after all....please read my new thread for an update on my "ghost".

Take care and thanks again,

Deborah

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