2 straight women. Happily ever after?
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| Tue, 06-12-2007 - 4:30pm |
My former boss, geez, this goes back about six years ago. She was very straight, in my opinion anyway. She tried the online dating thing, had visible crushes on some of our clients, though she never acted on them, would point out men whom she found attractive when out in public.
Well, she happened to live with her boss’s daughter. Both of these women were in their forties, were very independent, very strong females. They were also athletic and didn't conform to what society deemed feminine. You can read between the lines. These facts aren't pertinent to my question, but I thought I'd be as detailed as possible.
All, okay, some, of the girls I worked with thought they were lesbians. I didn't care if they were or not but I just didn't buy it. I knew that each of them had former relationships, fairly recent ones, with men, and one of them had actually been married for a short time. Also, they were Baptists and anyone who knows anything about that religion knows that homosexuality is not quite acceptable. So ... they were living together when my former employer downsized, thus, doing away with my boss’s position. Word on the street is that they still share a home.
I am just wondering what you all think. Do you think that by living with your best friend, you are hampering your chances of finding love? Or, do you think it's a healthy alternative to settling down and having a family? Coincidentally, they (from what I heard) do everything together: vacations, company picnics, I think they even bought their home together.
I think I would tire of the accusations, the assumptions, but other than that, I think it could be quite enjoyable. Although, I think I could only do it if I had absolutely positively decided that I was not marriage material. I don't know if it would be wise to commit to purchasing a home with a friend if I thought there was even a remote chance that I'd fall in love and get married. Of course, who can predict these things?
I have friends who are in their late 20's, early 30's and live with their best friends, but I don't think the same stigma applies to younger individuals. For some reason, I think it's more acceptable. Maybe living with ones best friend in ones forties is acceptable as well, but from hearing the gossip that floated around at work, it was not. It wasn't "I think they're lesbians". It was "Yuck. I think they're lesbians".
What do you all think about relationships such as this one? Do you think it's healthy? Do you know of women who have chosen this avenue? Again, I'm not discussing homosexuality; I'm talking about two heterosexual women deciding to share their lives with one another.

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Two sides of the coin...
I have a friend who bought a house with her best friend, and they are most definitely not gay.
Another friend's mom was married for 25 years, was Catholic, and fell in love with a fellow teacher (another woman) - now her partner of 12 years.
So, they may be gay, they may not. (The comment about being Baptist made me think they'd have a good reason to try to keep it under wraps). In any case, if they are happy - that's their business.
To answer your question, I think having a roommate in general or a buddy with whom you do everything might hamper your love life. If you have a built-in social life with that friend, you may not be as inclined to get out of your comfort zone to seek out other people. It's also harder to bring someone home. ;)
AJ, enjoying life with C.
(Edit) >you may not be as inclined to get out of your comfort zone ..
Volumes could be written just on that theme. There are millions of people who are under achievers or failures in whatever, simply because they refuse to step out of their comfort zone.
I couldn't resist adding this :
The root cause of "poverty" (very subjective term) is not 'social injustice'. The root cause of poverty is the 'poor' being comfortable in being 'poor'.
Edited 6/12/2007 5:06 pm ET by fruitedplain
My opinion though on this is that it's really tough to let go of the other person when you become so dependent on each other and this can definately cause problems if one of the 2 women found love. The only reason why I say this is because of personal experience. I didn't live with my best friend, we knew that it might mess up the friendship if we did but we did hang quite a bit and talked on the phone a few times each day. We weren't grossly dependent on one another, and we each had our own hobbies and friends but we both became emotionally dependent on one another in a lot of different ways. Well, I got into a relationship and she remained single, and it has caused a lot of problems and hard feelings. We both discussed that we knew that one of us would find someone and eventually this would happen, but neither of us knew how much of an impact on our bond and friendship that this would have. I'm just telling my story to relate to this situation and your question.
I think it would be super hard to live with someone and hang out so often (doing everything together) and to own a place together because you will be in a bind with that person financially and property-wise as well as being too emotionally attached to them and it would be hard to find love or have other friendships/family without the other getting jealous. If my relationship with my friend has suffered and we didnt' live together, I can't imagine what it would have been like if we did. But of course, this is just my experience and because of it I think differently now on this sort of topic than I might have before. It's a nice idea because of the support involved but can get messy too.
I have no qualms with alternative lifestyles; I just thought that in this instance, that wasn't what was going on at all.
I agree with you. I think it would be awfully tempting to live with a dear friend for the duration but I think that the set up could alienate you from finding something more meaningful in the long run. I really don't think that dating has come into play where my former boss is concerned. I wonder what would happen should one of them fall in love. I wonder what impact it would have, if any, on their friendship. My younger friends who live together have very healthy dating lives but I think they make it a point not to spend every waking minute with each other.
It's an interesting lifestyle, that's for sure. I applaud them (former boss) for balking at naysayers and doing their own thing. That takes real guts, I would imagine.
Interesting question.
In general, I think it does hamper your chances of finding love. And in this case, looking so unfeminine, people are just going to assume they are gay. And maybe they are. I think you are right about it being more OK when you are young. I say "OK" meaning "OK to society."
It's perfectly acceptable to live together either as a gay couple or straight couple, but one must accept that people will talk. And I'm thinking that a potential suitor would wonder about a woman's sexual orientation if he knew two women shared so much of their lives, even owning a home together. It could be a deterrant.
I have a former friend who started hanging out A LOT with a divorced woman with kids that I swear is gay. So, I know that when people see them, they think they're gay. I have wondered it myself. BTW: she's one of those friends that just disappeared out of my life with no explanation. I don't really know if it was because of the lesbian-looking friend.
Anyway, I think there would be some very enjoyable aspects to living with one's best (straight) girlfriend. But, I think it could be quite painful if one or the other of you got married, after having shared so much for so long. So, maybe buying side by side condos is more the answer?
This also makes me think of a male friend of mine who says adult straight men would NEVER go to a movie together because people would assume they were gay. I think he means just two men. I think it would be OK if it were a group of men, although you know they'd have to have an empty seat between them.
I just posed the same questions as yourself. I agree with you, it could be a potential mess. I'm intrigued by the dynamic of it all but I don't know if I could do it. I would imagine that it's nice to have someone to come home and talk to, go shopping with, go to a movie, share interests, hobbies, but I would imagine that there may still be a longing for something more. I don't know, maybe not.
I remember you posting about this friend of yours. Do you two still speak?
We took a needed break from contact for about a month, but currently we do still speak pretty often, not as often as before. We talk on the phone once every few days and email once or twice a day which seems like a lot, but before it was even more than that. It's getting a bit better, but you can tell there is still some discomfort and hard feelings and I know that she never wants to hang out with me when my bf is around which kind of cuts but I"m trying my best to be patient with that and I do hang out when I can. It hasn't been easy. I know she'll come around when she's ready. I think she's doing her best to be kind and a good friend to me a lot more than before but I guess I'll see.....
>>I have no qualms with alternative lifestyles; I just thought that in this instance, that wasn't what was going on at all. <<
Oh, I didn't think you did have qualms. I was just thinking, from your description, that they *could* be gay, just not openly. I definitely see how people might assume that, even if they're not.
I just said "it's their business" so it didn't seem like *I* was making a judgment on their lifestyle, but I guess I came across as judging your post instead. Sorry about that - that was not intended.
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>>I wonder what would happen should one of them fall in love. I wonder what impact it would have, if any, on their friendship.<<
My friends who bought the house together are going through this now. One started dating a guy she really likes, and she's been talking to her real estate agent about how to get her friend off the mortgage should the relationship progress. Personally, I would never purchase property with someone I wasn't engaged or married to. Everyone I know who has done that - with an SO or a friend - it has ended very badly. I think it's asking for trouble - although I see the financial/practical advantage.
As for even living with a friend - I had enough roommates in college to last a lifetime. Unless I get into a financial bind, the next person I live with will be married to me. :)
I have my dog to come home to until then.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
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