20-Somethings & Dating Today

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
20-Somethings & Dating Today
8
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 5:42pm

http://detnews.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060518/LIFESTYLE/605180418/1005

I saw this article a while ago and ran across it again and wanted to share it with you guys. Reading is so disheartening to me because I already figured this was going on, but it kinda sucks seeing it in print and confirmed. Basically, many 20-somethings just have little to no real interest in dating and companionship outside of casual sex and it leaves the rest of us, the ones interested, screwed. Good article but I wish they would have interviewed someone from the other side (like me) to get the other point of view of someone who can't find anybody willing enough to date.

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Love takes time; singles say they don't have any

Among 18- to 29-year-olds, only slightly more than a third are in committed relationships

Laura Sessions Stepp / Washington Post, May 18, 2006

Think romance is alive and well among young singles? That twentysomethings are checking each other out in the office and cruising the bars at night, looking for someone to love? You might want to think again.

The major love story these days is this: maybe later.

It's not that they take relationships lightly, or that they don't want to become attached -- eventually. It's just, who has the time? They're working their butts off at college or in jobs that barely cover the rent and feel obligated to find fulfilling, well-paid careers. It will be easier to make their marks, they think, unfettered by relationships that, let's face it, can be so distracting.

This came as something of a surprise to researchers Lee Rainie and Mary Madden at the Pew Research Center when, in going over data in a larger dating survey, they discovered that among 18- to 29-year-olds, only slightly more than a third said they were in committed relationships. Among the remaining, more were not looking than looking.

The numbers do not astonish Pouya Dianat, 20, or Montana Wojczuk, 26, however.

"My job here is the most important thing I do," says Dianat, a staff photographer for the Diamondback, the student newspaper at the University of Maryland in College Park. A junior workaholic who has been known to sleep overnight in the office, he says, "I want to be the best. Any girlfriend would have to put up with that. ... If she stumbled in front of me, I might get interested. Otherwise, no."

Wojczuk breezed through jobs in advertising, retail sales and grant-writing before ending up as an assistant in a talent and literary agency in Manhattan, N.Y. "A relationship takes so much time and energy, and there's so much stuff I want to do with my career," she says. "I'm not that interested in looking."

Are they saying there's no use in starting to look until they're ready to stop looking? Not exactly, says Philip Morgan, professor of sociology at Duke University. They're simply being strategic: "Active looking requires altering their routine in some way, and they're not willing to do that yet."

Even flirting with the idea of a relationship requires effort, sometimes more than they're willing to give. "Sometimes, I make plans to have a drink with someone, but I'm too tired," says Tiffany Sharples, 24, who works at a travel magazine in Manhattan. "Or a press event comes up at the last minute, so I cancel. Things get stymied before they get off the ground."

All of this raises questions among those a generation or two older. Are our grown children simply afraid to love? Afraid of the potential for either being hurt or hurting someone else? Maybe. Many of them have been in at least one relationship that ended badly or dragged on longer than it should have. They've also observed a fair number of marriages fall apart, from those of their parents or friends' parents to their own friends.

Relationships, they say, imply commitment, and commitment can consume too much personal space and time. College students talk about couples they know who take courses together, eat all their meals together and sleep together. That togetherness continues after college, says Matt McFarland, a 25-year-old sales rep who lives in Rockville, Md. "I have guy friends who can't go out on Friday nights, or have to leave parties early. Who needs that?"

McFarland works 65 hours a week. He also goes to the gym three or four times a week and spends Friday and Saturday nights in bars or clubs. He and his buddies aren't lonely, he says. "There's a lot of casual hooking up."

Hooking up, an uncommitted sexual encounter, has become synonymous with dating, says Ele Izadi, a 21-year-old senior and Diamondback writer. Easy to do and carrying no obligations, it's a convention that is tailor-made for the time-pressed. And it has turned Izadi off to any relationships at this time. "All guys want is the physical," she says.

Some singles still date occasionally. But after the second or third date -- or hookup -- with the same person, they find they must confront a question: "What are we?" Leah Veneziano, 25 and a sometime TV guest host in Philadelphia, is in that situation with a guy whom she has seen four times. "He's moving toward a relationship, and I don't want those restraints." She is about to call it off.

Could it be that this generation takes relationships too seriously?

If so, we shouldn't be surprised. From their preschool days on, they've heard messages of boundless opportunity and high expectations: First the perfect school record, then the perfect job. Why settle, then, for anyone but the perfect mate?

The phrase "in time" is key, says Jeffrey Arnett, a research professor at Clark University in Worcester, Mass., who has spent much of his career studying what he calls "emerging adults."

"We've given them the freedom to take their time to decide what their adult life is going to look like. We don't have the expectations anymore that they should be married at 21 and have their first baby at 22. Fifty years ago, that would have been normal, but now, what's the hurry?"

The researchers at Pew, a nonprofit initiative of the Pew Charitable Trusts, were pursuing a larger project about online dating when they came across the young-singles data: 38 percent in committed relationships and 38 percent neither in committed relationships nor looking for them. Twenty-two percent were not in relationships but looking.

Wojczuk, the agent's assistant, is certainly in no hurry. "I aspire to have it all," she says, "and not just in my career but my appearance, my activities and, at some point, a partner who reflects my best self."

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2006
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 6:33pm
One interesting thing about this article is that it shows that the desire to not get tied down is not just limited to males; many young women feel the same way -- a sentiment rare on this board, but apparently significant among many females.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2005
Sat, 05-27-2006 - 6:50pm

Interesting that you mentioned that women also don't want to get tied down and how this board doesn't reflect that. I think there's still a lot of pressure put on us by society to be in a relationship and that really affects how we see ourselves when single. Then we come to this board and we vent because we're frusterated and feel hopeless. The women who aren't concerned don't typically find themselves posting because the board just seems to be reinforcing the negative side of single-dom.

I'm also quickly going towards the 'what's the rush' category. It's easy enough to settle or to settle when you know you're not really ready to. But then, things will fall apart and the truth will come out, leading to even more heartache for someone. I think the 20's are a crucial turning point in our lives. We're finally on our own and independent, there's a time to really connect with who we are and to understand it. And we're still adapting to 'adult life'. We're finding out what career we'd really like instead of what our major says we should be doing. Maturity is setting in in a whole different way then when we were 18. The better relationship we have with ourselves, the better our romantic relationships will be.

Being single can be tough at times for everybody, but I think we reinforce this negativity amongst ourselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 8:31am

Great topic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 10:09am
Yeah, it's not just the men. I guess today as a society we put a lot into individual achievements. We want to have a successful career and look our best. But I miss having someone to talk to, cuddle with, and share time with. There's just something special about being able to connect with some and be able to talk about anything. It's kind of disheartening to read things like that if your ready to be with someone. Whatever happened to selfless acts of love?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 10:32am

Oh I totally feel you. I think it's worst for me than my peers because I was in an 8-year relationship in which I was very happy and making the adjustment from a girl with a wonderful guy by my side to a single girl dealing with so many men who are so ambivalent and disinterested has really hard. I miss my old life and I feel like I know exactly what I'm missing.

But I'd been suspecting this trend all along. Good to know that it isn't just me, I'm not crazy, people are dating less. Sad, but true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:37am

Well, I guess we can't let articles like that discourage us. I mean it's not like they interviewed the entire population. Not everyone is searching for the same thing. BTW, I think everyone's definition of dating or courting is different to. I consider dating, just going out talking to someone to see if we have similar beliefs. Courting to me is, you dated someone and you deicde hey we have similarities let's go a step further and be exclusive, committed. As far as hooking up, I'm really not sure what exactly that is. Is it sex or finding somone and making out with them, etc?

Sorry to hear about you relationship of 8 years, that's got to be tough. Was it recent?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 11:56am

Hooking up to me is sex, but you're right cause some people call making out hooking up. Go figure.

My relationship ended almost 2 years ago, actually Sept. 2004 and though we didn't even live together, it felt like a divorce. These past 2 years have been more first experiences dating as an adult. I've had to learn all over again, how things are now and what to expect and what not to expect. It's been extremely humbling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2006
Tue, 05-30-2006 - 12:58pm
Boy, have things changed. I could never hook up with someone, guess I'm old school. I guess it's all about finding some with the same values. It's been a while since I have dated, so I guess I'm kind of out of the loop on dating in today's standards. I guess I just don't know what women are looking for these days.