Advice on dating??

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Advice on dating??
3
Tue, 07-08-2003 - 10:31pm
Hey all,

I haven't posted to these boards in a little while, but I'm back again! I just need some general advice on a couple of topics. First some background on me! I'm almost 25, have just moved to a new area a couple of months ago, and therefore don't really know a lot of people to hang out with, much less date. I just finished school and am starting my career. I haven't done much dating, casual or serious, in about 2 years, mainly due to finishing up a very demanding curriculum. I noticed that many of you talk about going on many first dates or getting set up or answering personals, etc; I guess I've always had a fear of blind dates and so I've never allowed anyone to set one up for me. Also, how do you keep from getting discouraged if you continue to date many different people? I've had situations where a guy didn't call and I just end up feeling rejected, so rather than feel that, I've just avoided the dating scene in general. I sound like such a wuss!! :-) Does anyone have any tips on how to "re-enter" the dating scene? (Please note I'm horrible at making a first move as well!) Any thoughts would be lovely...

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-09-2003 - 10:13am
I have a thick skin and I reject, get rejected, have mediocre dates, bad dates, fabulous dates - but since my goal, since my 20's has mostly been to meet someone to marry I see dating as a means to an end and a part time job. Sure, don't go on blind dates if you are not into it but realize then that you're closing a very significant door - many many happy couples meet that way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-09-2003 - 10:48am
How can they be rejecting you when they don't KNOW you? Think about it. They have no idea how warm, funny, kind you might be. I am not the "beautiful" gal - tho, thats subjective anyway! But I am lucky enough to weed out the superficial ones. The ones who look at me and reject me b/c I am not this or that - are saving me time & energy. They are doing me a favour. Be who you are, be proud of who you are and then be open to sharing that with men you meet. Also, be open to the idea that not all men are potential "Mr Right." Some men may just have a message for you, or a friendship - but if you are looking/expecting/hoping for "Mr Right", there will be too much pressure. I suspect that may be why you "fear" getting out there. Getting your hopes up to be dashed. So don't. You invite a guy for coffee and he says "I have a gf" or something - its JUST coffee, not a date.

Concentrate on getting to know ppl - even women - and the opportunities will flow into your life :) Have fun out there and RELAX, this is suppose to be the "free" times of your life...lol...

Go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Wed, 07-09-2003 - 4:34pm
I think you're on the right track. You say you had a "demanding curriculum" that took all your time for 2 years, which means you had your priorities straight. Sometimes, while I was single, I took a break from dating b/c other, more important things were happening at work, home, etc--and sometimes you just need to take a breather. Dating, like relationships, can be very demanding and distracting, and if you've got other things going, you've gotta step away for awhile. Happily, though, it'll be there when you come back.

Having just resumed my singledom, after a disastrous 15-mo marriage (to a man I met through a personal ad), I too anticipate dating at some point (and I'm 48!). Right now you're where I was about 4 yrs ago; I'd just lost over 100 lbs and dating protocol was foreign to me, even though I'd answered personal ads about 7 yrs earlier (did so before and after the weight loss; after was better). I found "trolling the ads" preferable to online dating b/c I'd rather hear a voice over the telephone; online, everybody looks good on-screen. You can tell a lot about a person from their voice, and it was my personal preference. No doubt I'll probably do some online "trolling," but that's been my previous experience.

Whichever you do, don't lie; generally, stick to the truth. When I was fatter, I answered the ads by saying I was "large and lovely," and this way they knew what they were getting. IOW, don't say you're rich if you aren't, that you're a Ph.D. when you can barely read comic books, or that you're gorgeous when there's not a clock in your house that works. Bear in mind that they too may be lying about whatever, so pay close attention to what they tell you. When you find inconsistencies, figure out why they're fibbing, and that should be a tip-off to their true characters.

Example: I met a guy through the ads who supposedly had the same kind of journalism training I did. When I asked if he had gone to the same school, he said no, but that he "had taught a class there." Which made no sense to me. Alas, I was still "green" at the time, and after my heart was broken I learned later he wasn't worth the effort. Had I paid more attention to that little misstatement, I might've discovered this sooner.

Most of all, don't look at dating as A Mission to Find Mr Perfect. Instead, look at it as An Adventure in Living. It takes all kinds to make a world, and dating will bring some of those into your orbit. Try to learn something from everyone you meet, even if all you learn is that you never want to see them again. And cultivate a sense of humor, b/c you're gonna need it.

Think about this: everyone you meet--in one date, a short romance, a big, spashy love affair, or The One--always contributes something to your life if you allow it. Every one of them makes you a richer, more evolved woman, a woman who has loved men and been loved by them, a woman who's...well, more interesting. Consider them all more chapters in the novel called Your Life. Don't forget that you're always better for having done so, b/c I always feel that love is never a waste of time.

Ash