ADVICE: How Should I DEAL With This Man?
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| Sun, 04-15-2007 - 2:02pm |
This Is The Latest Update On This Man:
Two days ago, when I saw him in the building that we both work in; he asked me if he could talk to me. So we spoke for about 10 minutes. He wanted to find out how I was doing, that he loves me just as much as ever, and that he would like for me to call him. This man still wants me in his life regardless of his relationship with his Common-law partner. But I CAN NOT let us happen again. I don't mind talking to him, but I CAN NOT let anything more happen.
*In Canada, when you live with someone for at least six months or a year; you are considered HUSBAND AND WIFE by law. There is NO MARRIAGE RECORD, but the legalities are the same as a couple who took their vows and DO HAVE A MARRIAGE RECORD. A Common-Law couple DOES NOT have to get a divorce, but there are legal and financial obligations that have to be dealt with.*
I SAW HIM LAST WEEK TWO DAYS IN A ROW:
I DO NOT intend to date him period; but when I see him, it is hard to just walk away and not talk to him at all. I do not run into him everyday but when I do see him; it is like I am drawn to him; even if it is just for a few minutes. When I saw him two days ago, he asked me if I was seeing someone; and I told him not right now. He told me that as long as he lives, he will not understand why/how I am not taken. I mean we just stopped seeing each other on a romantic level less than a month ago.
Even if he were to really leave his partner, my family WILL NEVER accept him; not the way he came into my life. They say once a cheat, always a cheat; once a liar, always a liar. Also, the fact that he has NO USE for the Catholic church (although he was baptised Catholic), and DOES NOT believe in getting married in a church; will be other reasons why my family; especially my mother, WILL NEVER accept him. He prefers being married Common-Law.
Before we went back to work he told me that he MISSES ME, and we wished each other A HAPPY EASTER!!!
He still wants to SEE ME!!! The past two days when we ran into each other in the building that we both work in, he asked me if I could drop by and see him last Saturday afternoon when he is working (HE SAID IT IS ABOUT TWO PEOPLE GETTING TOGETHER); but I just can't do that anymore. It is too hard to be that close to him again, knowing that his partner is still living in his home; regardless of the state of their relationship.
Although we seem to be back to that comfort zone when we were are talking to each other, and the attraction (temptation) is obviously still there; I CAN NOT let us get close again.
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I Saw Him On Break Two Weeks Ago....It WAS NOT Planned.....
I saw him two weeks ago when I was on my break, and even though I thought about just walking away; I decided to stop and talk to him. Inspite of what went on between us, I don't find it hard talking to him; especially now that I think differently when it comes to him. We spoke for about five minutes...We asked how the other was doing, and when I told him that I was doing O.K.; he said that is the main thing. We talked again about the decision we made and I said that it is for the best, we were only going around in circles, and nothing could come from it.
He said it was best for me, but NOT for him. See, in his mind, he feels it was best for me because of the stress I was under with dealing with my family's objections in wanting to bother with him period. He would have no problem picking up where we left off, if I said it was O.K. Before we went back to work, he thanked me for stopping and talking to him.
But he is not getting the bigger picture here. He is not thinking about how all of this effects me in terms of a relationship. We can not have a real relationship with his common-law partner still living with him. He wants to be involved with me before even officially ending what he has with his partner.
Say he really means it and he is going to end things with her, the emotional baggage from that relationship could be dumped on me. When you break up with someone, there should be a break before you jump into a relationship with someone else.
Anyway, I don't mind 5 minutes of conversation here and there (there is no animosity between us); but I am not going to let him back into my life on a romantic level again; as I need to protect myself. He is not emotionally ready to give me what I need.
What is your honest opinion/advice on how I should deal with him?
ALMOZA
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My Story In A Nutshell:
This man first appoached me with a note (he slipped it to me at work), wanting to know if it was possible for us to get to know each other. He wanted to know if I could give him a phone number so we could talk. He wrote his first letter to me before we even starting really talking to each other. He told me that he was ATTRACTED to me from the first time he saw me. Keep in mind, now, his Common-law partner was still living with him and still is. In this letter he told me that he HAS NOT felt SO STRONGLY towards someone in MANY YEARS; that I am the MOST GEORGEOUS PERSON; that he THINKS OF ME OFTEN, and that he looks forward to seeing me IF ONLY BY CHANCE.
He made me believe that he was single....according to him, he and his common-law partner were going their separate ways in September....she was getting an apartment in the city....he thought he was safe....when her mother found out, she said, "If you leave my daughter, I will see you in the poor house." So her daughter stayed put in his home. According to him, they have SEPARATE ROOMS; they DO NOT SLEEP TOGETHER. He still tried to make me believe that it was over, there was no reason why we couldn't go out together. I would not go out in public with him....For four months, all of our contact was in the workplace and by phone.
I asked him after talking for a while if he felt we were COMPATIBLE. He said, "We HAVE NOT gone to bed yet." This man told me that to find out whether or not you are compatible, two people would need to sleep together first. HE BELIEVES THAT MAKING LOVE/SEX MAKES A RELATIONSHIP STRONGER. Although we did get somewhat physically close, there was no way he was going to get to sleep with me as long as his COMMON-LAW partner was sharing his home. That is something special that should be shared ONLY between Boyfriend and Girlfriend. I gave him much more attention than he was entitled to.
When we were discussing everything a little over a month ago, he saw the stress that I was under in regards to the "Situation" he was dealing with and felt it best if we keep a low profile (as too many people were finding out and couldn't risk her finding out, especially where he is SO financially stuck and trying to get out without losing too much) and stay away from each other. He said it was best for me, as I was also under stress in dealing with my family's objections with trying to sneak around and see him. This man and I NEVER SLEPT TOGETHER!!!
Well, anyway, we are not spending time together anymore. This man, almost a month ago, was waiting for me (he works in the same building; he is NOT a Co-worker) to find out how I was doing as he was concerned about me. He told me that he loves me and to still call him. He also told me to remember what he wrote me in the letters and cards, where he included poems; which he wrote himself. When I was leaving, I said I will talk to you soon. He said, "I Hope So."
He is crazy if he thinks I am going to make the effort to contact him again. I am DONE WITH THIS MAN!!!
What is your honest opinion of this man? Is this something that MEN REALLY DO?
ALMOZA
ADDED INFORMATION:
This man that I have been referring to is 56 Years Old. He is married Common-Law and they have NO KIDS. According to him, he is Married....technically/sort of. Common-law rules and regulations (in Canada) state that they are Married. When I referred to her as his wife one day, he said, "Why are you calling her that"? To him he saw her as his GIRLFRIEND.
I am 43 Years Old, and I know I should have known better. But as I said, he did a really good job in making me feel beautiful and special. He COULD NOT understand how I wasn't taken over and over again. He was SURPRISED that I was still SINGLE. He told me that his relationship with her was over, and that he really wasn't looking for another relationship; but that he really wanted to get to know me; and that he was ATTRACTED to me from the first time he saw me. According to him, he didn't approach me until he thought it was safe and that she was out of his life. He was SURPRISED that I even bothered with him. He was very sweet, gentle, and romantic.
I used to see this man eyeing me for months before he approached me. He waited until he thought he was safe and she was out of his life. But he approached me too prematurely, and thought he could resolve everything with her without having to tell me. But as you can see it didn't work out that way.
Her mother WAS staying with them and is due back sometime this month. He told me that he told his partner that when her mother comes back, he WILL NOT be there. He said that aside from the problems that they have, he CAN NOT live his life the way he wants to.
He even told me that he told her a couple of times that they have to decide on what they are going to do in regards to the house as HE IS GOING.
When he came into my life this man and his partner were going their separate ways....she was getting her own apartment. Her mother stepped in and said if you leave my daughter, I will see you in the poor house. His concern all this time was being able to afford another home....he DOES NOT want to settle for an apartment. He told me he thought she would be gone by now. He even talked about US LIVING TOGETHER after everything was settled with his partner.
On Valentine's Day we exchanged cards. The next day he told me that he hadn't seen his partner for a couple of days due to her work schedule. He said, "I don't know if she even got a Valentine. It would be nice if someone was sweet on her at work, and she came and told me that she found someone."
I don't intent to bother with this man anymore, but everything that I said in my story is what this man has told me. He made me believe that I was the one that he wanted....and the only reason why he was still sharing HIS home with her is due to the FINANCIAL BIND that he is in. He told me that he has to make the mortgage payments as she is not able to do it.
But they must be discussing something, because about a month ago when we were talking; once again he said, "I thought she would be gone by now." I said, "She is still there because she wants you.". He said, "Actually she wants the house." But he said, "Where the house is in my name, I can sell it."

I get an overwhelming feeling, and I could be wrong, that you "say" one thing but are trying to convince yourself of something else. You keep indicating that you aren't going to fall for his shenanigans but then pose these questions as if you are trying to convince yourself that he cares for you.
He may care for you, it's hard to tell, but it sounds as if he does not know what he wants and quite frankly, I don't know if he is being completely honest with you about his single status.
I would stay away from him. I know that this kind of attention is intoxicating but he sounds like trouble. I mean, if he is really interested, why not move out, get settled and then in a few months pick up where you guys left off? Why is he choosing to pursue you now, when he has this in-law breathing down his neck? It doesn't make sense to me.
He can say anything he wants, but his actions speak volumes louder.