after 4 1/2 years....Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2007
after 4 1/2 years....Help
3
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 12:20am

**I've posted this in a few forums to try and get a wider range of people to respond so if you've seen it before and replied already just ignore it and thank you =)**

So here's my story....
My boyfriend of 4 1/2 years who I loved greatly and he loved me just recently broke up with me...about a week ago. The main point for breaking up for him was our differences in views of religion, traveling, kids, sex, style, and a few other things. After talking last weekend he found out that I agreed with him on every one of those issues and we just never really talked about it in detail...except for one. I eventually want to have a kid(s) and he doesn't and he says that's definitely a deal breaker which I know he's right. He tells me that he loves me so much he just doesn't want either of us to compromise something that important because one of us would end up unhappy, I know he's right with is the hard part. It is just so hard because we have so many other things in common and we are best friends, and we have a really strong connection. I've known him since I was 14 years old (he was 16) and have been in a relationship with him since I was 16 and now im 20, about to be 21 and he's 22. I know this is for the best and I need to get out and make some new friends and have fun...I just don't know how to be single. I mean I have friends who like to hang out with me but I don't want to over wear my welcome and when they can't hang out it's hard to just be stuck home alone. We are still going to be best friends....we've talked and both came to the conclusion that it's what we both want. I don't want to jump into a "rebound" relationship but I also hate being alone. I am afraid of being alone and also of being hurt again. I'm going to join a hiking club, and go to the gym more (hopefully), and build up friendships that I've neglected because I was dating him. I know this will help but I don't want to just forget I want to get better. Every other day I'm either happy to be single and know it's for the best or I'm depressed that I'm alone and hope I can find the right guy for me and scared that I never will. I could go on forever but basically how can I be single after so many years of being with one guy and how can I attract guys without feeling like I'm doing something wrong....

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 2:07pm
Do you love yourself? Enjoy your own company? If not, you should work on it. You're never going to be happy if you don't. Not preaching, sharing from experience and I'm still working on both of these things . . . good luck.
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 06-12-2007 - 5:31pm

I've always advocated taking a "time out" after an important realtionship ends. Trust me, you don't want a rebound relationship.

And I say whatever you need to do to get throught this time is OK, short of abusing alcohol or drugs. Let your friends know you need their support and hang out with them as much as you can. Pursue new hobbies. Reconnect with people and interests. And yes, this would be a good time to become more comfortable with just being on your own, alone.

In my humble opinion, people really change a lot from age 16 to 21, and continue to change quite a bit in their 20s, so what seems like the love of your life right now may not look that way to you in a year or two. And this in no way diminishes what you had with this man. I would guess that it would be really unusual for two people to change in the same way from age 16 to age 25.

So I'm glad your taking steps to get out of the house, it sounds like you're on your way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 9:33am

I agree, a little down time to catch your breath and get things into proper perspective in a good thing. I also agree that time has a way of tossing a new light on those old relationships.

Rediscover yourself, spend time with friends. . . you will find what you are looking for when you least expect it. (-: