Ah geez... I am too tired.
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| Tue, 11-01-2005 - 2:56pm |
OK, It happened. I turned a corner, and on the brink of my 33rd birthday, after two failed marriages, a recent unsuccessful bid for the nice guy type and a whole lot of change... well... I am just too tired!
A battle with cancer in betweeen all of this left me with damaged teeth and 20 extra pounds that sure has not helped me feel very good about myself, early onset menopause, and the inability to have more children.
Man, do I feel like a wash out.
Top that off with a total career change as I just began a non-profit designed to assist in helping people relocate to my area after a natural disaster in stead of my usual 75K/year position, and I am broke, frustrated and tired... now homeless too thanks to a very non-understanding landlord who just didnt want the risk of the non-profit life as far as rent was concerned! Not to mention my best friend here moves to another state tomorrow for a job promotion. Yikes! I mean, one minute I am cruising a long, making the $$, working too hard to worry about my perpetual singleness or troubles, and the nextminute I go start this massive undertaking (which I am convinced is my calling by the way) and still I am at the point of throwing up my hands and saying "Oh my gosh!!! Will this ever be in balance again?"
The globe turns, the world around me remains in motion. People in my life get married, have children, live in houses, have medical insurance, eat with their family at night, build a life. And me? I seem to go through a varying degree if upheaval in a succession that is almost magnificent to watch. Now, I believe in some ways we attract our own drama, so I am willing to take the responsibility on all but the cancer portion. Maybe I am a walking "murphy's law". Maybe not. I know, I know, good things come to those who wait, I am a survivor, things have a way of working out in the end... and so on and so on... but here at this borrowed kitchen counter, in the home of a generous friend who is housing me during this transistion, I reflect on my colossal mistakes, my ongoing desire to help in this world, and my lucky sense of humour, and all I can think is that I want to curl up under a comfortor and go to sleep for a while. Is it a bad day? A bad year? A bad decade??
I need the inspiration that touches my heart... that tells me that I made the right choice. I need a few little cosmic tokens that give me a sense of security for the first time in my grown-up life. Perhaps I am turning over the wrong stones on this path. Is it me, or does the chaos just seem to come in waves till it forms some sort of emotional Tsunami?
Edited 11/1/2005 4:07 pm ET by noelle-is-here
Edited 11/2/2005 11:15 pm ET by noelle-is-here

Good luck and take care!
Cat
I don't know if I have any uplifting words, but I'm sure I can relate to a certain point.