Ah geez... I am too tired.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Ah geez... I am too tired.
6
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 2:56pm

OK, It happened. I turned a corner, and on the brink of my 33rd birthday, after two failed marriages, a recent unsuccessful bid for the nice guy type and a whole lot of change... well... I am just too tired!
A battle with cancer in betweeen all of this left me with damaged teeth and 20 extra pounds that sure has not helped me feel very good about myself, early onset menopause, and the inability to have more children.
Man, do I feel like a wash out.
Top that off with a total career change as I just began a non-profit designed to assist in helping people relocate to my area after a natural disaster in stead of my usual 75K/year position, and I am broke, frustrated and tired... now homeless too thanks to a very non-understanding landlord who just didnt want the risk of the non-profit life as far as rent was concerned! Not to mention my best friend here moves to another state tomorrow for a job promotion. Yikes! I mean, one minute I am cruising a long, making the $$, working too hard to worry about my perpetual singleness or troubles, and the nextminute I go start this massive undertaking (which I am convinced is my calling by the way) and still I am at the point of throwing up my hands and saying "Oh my gosh!!! Will this ever be in balance again?"
The globe turns, the world around me remains in motion. People in my life get married, have children, live in houses, have medical insurance, eat with their family at night, build a life. And me? I seem to go through a varying degree if upheaval in a succession that is almost magnificent to watch. Now, I believe in some ways we attract our own drama, so I am willing to take the responsibility on all but the cancer portion. Maybe I am a walking "murphy's law". Maybe not. I know, I know, good things come to those who wait, I am a survivor, things have a way of working out in the end... and so on and so on... but here at this borrowed kitchen counter, in the home of a generous friend who is housing me during this transistion, I reflect on my colossal mistakes, my ongoing desire to help in this world, and my lucky sense of humour, and all I can think is that I want to curl up under a comfortor and go to sleep for a while. Is it a bad day? A bad year? A bad decade??
I need the inspiration that touches my heart... that tells me that I made the right choice. I need a few little cosmic tokens that give me a sense of security for the first time in my grown-up life. Perhaps I am turning over the wrong stones on this path. Is it me, or does the chaos just seem to come in waves till it forms some sort of emotional Tsunami?

Edited 11/1/2005 4:07 pm ET by noelle-is-here




Edited 11/2/2005 11:15 pm ET by noelle-is-here
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-27-2003
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 4:41pm
I'm sorry to hear about your troubles. Good for you for surviving cancer! You are an amazing person, just based on your post because you are doing what you truly believe is your calling and that is amazing! To up and change your career and go for something that you believe is deep down what you should be doing is the hardest thing to do. To answer your question, yes, it does seem that things come in waves - believe me, I know. After my parents divorce, my father's stroke (leaving him seriously disabled) going through a divorce myself, losing my job, changing careers (quitting another good job to go back to school full time to do what I truly believe is my calling), and finding out that my mother has Lou Gehrig's disease (where I am watching her deterioriate before my very eyes and there is nothing I can do to stop it), all within the past 4 years of my life - it's tough, but it's making me stronger as a person! Also, know you are not alone. I believe that everyone goes through tough times like this where when it rains it pours. But, and here come the cliches... what doesn't kill you will make you stronger and, I don't know if you believe in God or are spiritual - but I believe that God wouldn't give me anything I can't handle... Hang in there and one day you will look back and see just how strong you really are and how much your experiences have shaped you into a wonderful person!
Good luck and take care!
Cat
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2003
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 5:18pm
My goodness! I've been through hell in this thing call life but it definitely hasn't been a piece of cake for you. Congratulations on surviving cancer. You are here for a reason and while currently it may look like that dream is too far out of reach, just know that you are moving towards it everyday. Starting a new career is not an easy task. It's even difficult if you are starting it on your own. Just hang in there though. You fought through cancer, I have a feeling you can fight through anything. I do work for a Pharmaceutical company and at the same time, own my own business selling African Sculptures. I figured I will need some income while I build my business. I just started my business so it's been tough but the philosophy I live by is "With hard work and strong determination, nothing can dismantle the flag of success". You are right. Good things comes to those who wait but at times, the period of waiting is filled with too much trials and tribulations. I wish I could give you a hug and find a way to strengthen you. When you are practically homeless just to get hold of your dream, it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I really, really hope that things turn around quickly for you. It's not easy but don't give up.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 11-01-2005 - 6:41pm

I don't know if I have any uplifting words, but I'm sure I can relate to a certain point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 10:00pm
Wow. Thanks Cat. I guess in my own head it seems like a pity parade to feel as if I cant keep up. But maybe I look at it from the wrong angle. Thanks for that bit of strength and your eloquence... I truly appreciate it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 10:02pm
I am amazed at your ability to see exactly what it is I mean! And that was the best "hug" anyone could have given me I think. I will keep the march going, and thank you for the kindness and encouragement!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 11-02-2005 - 10:06pm
Thats good advice. This is my week to hide, but I have resolved that next week is my week to make things happen and get that plan together! Your right... if I break it down in smaller pieces, it will be more manageable. Thank you... I am glad you replied! =)