Alcoholic?? Ex...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Alcoholic?? Ex...
5
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 9:52am
Ok, i have a bit if a problem/concern. I have recently started talking to a guy that I used to date about 3 years ago. We only dated for a summer. He is a GREAT guy.. He is the guy that I have had the most fun with and the best conversations with. He has recently told me how much he cares about me.. and that he is in love with me.. He also told me that if he knew I would say yes, he would ask me to marry him "tomorrow".

Problem is he is an alcoholic in my eyes.. He recently got his 2nd DUI and is in the process of losing his license. Last night I told him I how felt about him. I told him that if he didnt drink so much then we would probably be together. I then asked him if he thought he had a problem and he said YES. Which is a good start!! But when I asked him when he was going to do something about his problem, he said , "When YOU tell me that you want to be with me" I then told him that I couldnt because of his drinking.. Then he asked me if I could "Help him" Only HE can help himself, but I did tell him I would be there to support him when he decides what to do, but until then we can not be in a "romantic" type of relationship.

Am I doing the right thing? I have always been the type to want to "help" my boyfriends in any way.. But I think that this is a LOT to handle.. I do know that if he didnt drink, we would be together..

Any suggestions and comments are appreciated!

Thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 12:22pm
There is a huge difference between supporting a healthy person and helping an addict - any reason why you see girlfriend and mother/therapist as at all synonymous, or related? Tell him that when he has been completely sober for a year you will consider it but you don't want to die in a car with him and you don't want to hear how he feels and never know the impact of the alcohol. It is not about drinking less when you're an alcoholic, which he apparently is.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 1:11pm
You have to really think about whether you are prepared to deal with alcoholism for the rest of your life. He's willing to change, but is it for HIM or for YOU? If it's just for you, then he won't be successful. He has to change because he knows it's best, not because it gets the girl.

Let's say that he does want to change for himself. Are you prepared for not drinking yourself? The wondering is the worst. You see him with a cup that isn't clear, and you wonder if he's slipped something into it. He starts acting a little bit mouthy or whatever, and you wonder if it's because he's been drinking.

It's not an easy thing to live with. It's about more than support. It takes a lot of trust to be with a recovering alcoholic. There are times when he may not deserve that trust as well. It's a roller coaster- and if you're prepared, and you care that much, then try it. But if you are doubtful at all, and the fact that you've asked says you are, then let his family help him. It's far too much to take on if you're not fully committed to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 5:01pm
Well like I told him last night.. I will be there as a friend to support him IF he decides to take that step and help himself.. I did tell him that he needs to do it for HIMSELF and not for the "girl". I do talk with him on the phone a few times a week, but I refuse to see him because 95% of the time, he is drunk or is drinking..

I do care a lot about him, but you are right.. This would be a very tough situation to get involved with.. As I stated in my first post, he is about to lose his license. He has asked me if he could stay at my place a few nights a week because my place is close to where he works.. as much as I would like to help him.. I have thought it througha nd think it would not be a good thing to do.. and it sucks to have to tell someone you care about that you cant help them, but I know that if he did stay here a few nights a week, on those nights, he would be up all night drinking and since he does have those feelings for me, I would have to worry about what he might try to do or say to me while he is drunk.. No I dont think he would try to hurt me in any way.. But its a situation I dont want to be involved in..

Thanks

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 5:51pm
I think you are making the right decisions about this situation. You are definitely right about not letting him stay at your house. Not only do you have to worry about him being drunk, but you are also enabling him to continue his bad habits. If you did that, he'd never learn!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sat, 07-05-2003 - 6:57pm
My thought(s)...

1. If he is as GREAT a guy as you say, then why is he an EX? EXes are that for a reason, in my experience.

2. He doesn't want a girlfriend, he wants an enabler, which is what you will be if you have anything to do with him now. Good on ya for keeping him at arm's length now.

3. You said: "I have always been the type to want to "help" my boyfriends in any way.." Why do you choose men who need "help"? Have you tried to just let them stand on their own feet, just like they did before you came along?

I know I sound harsh, but I'm just very realistic.

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