Almost Friday!

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Registered: 03-20-2003
Almost Friday!
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Thu, 10-02-2003 - 8:07am

What is one thing that you've done this week that you're proud of?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 8:55am
Hi,

Good for you! You did a great job of giving him a perfect opening to ask you out. Too bad he didn't take it right then, but I hope you hear from him soon! :-)

What I'm proud of - I had The Talk w/my bf last night! And *I* brought it up - something I never do and was kind of nervous about. (This wasn't totally out of the blue or anything - we've been dating 2 1/2 months, I knew he wasn't seeing anyone else, and about a month or so ago he alluded to exclusivity but at the time I wasn't ready yet.) N E Way, we met online and are both taking our profiles down. :-) yay!

ginger

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 9:38am
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Mmm...not sure. It was a pretty ordinary week. I did get a lot accomplished at work yesterday. Does that count? Today I have a lot of work to do at home - if I get that done I'll be proud of myself.

Shywon, you and I seem to have similar troubles with men lately. The guy I spoke to on Monday (also named M) didn't call yesterday either. I normally just let it go but I decided to send an email. I said that I enjoyed talking to him and I was hoping that we could meet. I told him that I understand that meeting someone new for the first time can be a little nerve-wracking for some people (myself included) but if you don't try - you'll never know. I then added that of course, I realize that he might have changed his mind and that I understand if he did.

A couple of hours later he wrote back. He said that he didn't change his mind and that he still wants to meet me but he needs to work up the courage. He then said that he realizes that in the meantime I might meet someone else. He also said that if by the time he's ready to meet, I decide that I'm no longer interested - he'd understand.

This is weird. Now I am shy too and everytime I meet someone new for the first time I'm a nervous wreck and often feel tempted to back out. I think that there's no way that someone can feel more anxious than that. Part of me thinks I should just forget about this guy. Another part of me can't help thinking that if we can just get over the hurdle of that first meeting everything will be just fine. When we spoke on the phone it was so comfortable. I tend to feel intimidated by a lot of men - especially those who have really assertive personalities. This guy seems a lot more easygoing - someone around whom I would feel truly comfortable and confident just being myself.

jhoover

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 9:46am
Hi ginger,

Good for you for having the "talk." That often takes a bit of courage. And I'm glad to hear that you're both on the same page in terms of where you are in the relationship.

jhoover

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 10:02am
Thanks, jhoover - it was hard, but it's a relief to know where we are.

Hope M gets some courage and calls you soon! It's so hard to guess whether he would open up after a first meeting or not - but if he doesn't get his *** in gear, you'll never find out. Ugh, dating can be hard sometimes, can't it? Best to you, sweetie! :-)

ginger

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 10:16am
northwestwander (sheri) always says that one should never fear having the "talk" because if you're right for each other then you'll both be in the same place in the relationship. (I can't remember if she posts on this particular board).

Re. M - I can usually tell if a guy is flaking b/c he's really not that interested (like the last guy I spoke to who twice said he'll call back later). With this guy - I really do think that he is interested. I'm pretty sure he'd be thrilled if I phoned him. But I'm not accustomed to being the pursuer in a relationship. Although, I have pursued in the past - when I was in my early 20s - and things worked out just fine. However, I only pursued guys with whom I knew there wasn't going to be anything longterm or serious. I guess I managed to work up the courage only because I knew that I was getting into something that wouldn't last long (e.g. vacation flings).

Interestingly, a therapist I saw once years ago suggested that a compatible relationship for me might be one in which I am the more dominant partner. This theory was based upon the pattern I had formed in past relationships - pretty much dating really assertive men and becoming a doormat. So I'm mulling that one over.

jhoover

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 10:18am
My whole life, my 4 sisters have run "roughshold" over me in family matters. They decide among themselves, then deliver the pronouncement to me that THEY decided thus-and-so, w/out asking for my input.

Well, my mom asked me this week if I would take over her finances. Since she's 79 and not well, her mental clarity isn't always there. But she's ALWAYS known her $$, and she started finding her "house $$" missing here and there--and my mom is the type who ALWAYS knows where her $$ goes. (This was also after my younger sister, who shared a joint checking account w/her and was paying her bills, cleaned out her savings account 1 day, w/out telling her.)

Last nite I got a call from my oldest sister, who told me that #3 sister had told her that Mom had said I was taking over her $$ matters. Normally I dread this kind of confrontation, but I very coolly told her that this weekend I'd gone over her bills, and though she had some expenses, she could easily afford to put aside some $$. I wasn't pointing fingers at anyone, but since I live closer to her after the divorce, I'm better able to help her out and "get a handle" on everything. Besides, I told her, "you do enough for her already."

Well, she told me that Mom just loses track of her $$, and she "drinks it away," and that's why she has no $$ left over. Maybe so, but I rather feel that SOMEone(s) was using Mom as a "petty-cash" source--and since I was married at the time and living far away, no one was "minding the store." She even had a new bank card that she hadn't even activated yet--what could've happened if she hadn't shown it to me first! After we activated it, I told her to hide it and give it to NO one b/c that was her "emergency" stash.

Now all that is changing--and I feel good about it.

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 11:02am
Hi jhoover,

Sheri has a good point (as she usually does!). I think my nervousness was more general shyness than anything having to do w/this particular guy - I was almost certain I knew exactly how he would react - and he did react just as I expected.

Re: M - it sounds like you're considering letting him off the hook and making the next call yourself? Hmm. I don't know what to tell you. I don't think I'd do it myself, just b/c then if we ended up dating I'd probably wonder about his interest level in me. I like for a guy to make an effort in the beginning of a relationship just so I know that he is truly interested in me. So I think that if I did all the pursuing (hypothetically speaking - this is not something I've ever done), I would wonder about his feelings for me. But that's just me.

Interesting idea your therapist had. There might be something to that, though I don't think you necessarily need to date a doormat in order to become the more dominant partner. I too have something of a doormat history in relationships. The guy I'm dating now though is pretty assertive and confident, yet I am not a doormat at all w/him. I think it's just that for whatever reason (probably improved self-confidence on my end more than anything else), I don't let his assertiveness intimidate me; rather, I like that he is assertive and that I am an equal partner to him.

I will say, though, that given my tendency to be possibly overly-accommodating in relationships, I do take care in selecting who I will date. Anyone who will constantly be testing me and trying to walk all over me is out - sure, I CAN stand up for myself and not let him trample me, but I find it tiresome and I would much rather date someone who is nice to me and where it's not such a struggle.

I'm totally going off on a tangent now. Anyways, back to M - I keep thinking, this guy has been in some long-term relationships, so it's not like he's totally inept at dealing w/women. I think that given that you are obviously quite receptive to him asking you out and he doesn't have to risk rejection, he ought to be able to step up to the plate. Even if you are willing to pursue him - and hey, who knows, maybe trying something different will yield different results - I think he should do SOMETHING -i.e., call you - to show that he is interested in you. Otherwise, if you do all the calling and asking for dates, I think you might find yourself wondering what his interest level is.

Good luck - I hope he calls! :-)

ginger

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 12:17pm

That's a great accomplishment! I can never intiate that talk.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 12:20pm

If you have a good feeling about him, don't pass him up!

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 10-02-2003 - 12:21pm

It's always hard when you get bullied like that, especially from family.

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