Almost, but not quite

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Almost, but not quite
5
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 3:09pm

im writing to see if anyone has experienced or experiencing this same issue...

im a young attractive woman with the entire world going for me, but i have a serious problem getting into relationships or getting anything past the just starting to date phase. what happens usually is i meet a guy, we hit it off, like each other, things are great, then he disappears or is skittish about committment. ive taken every approach possible and am now at a point where i will not accept anything less than the best for myself because thats what i deserve. However, it can be hard to maintain a good level of self esteem when i seem completely incapable of making a relationship happen or making a man want to committ to me. Also, all of my good friends are in long term relationships so i often feel like the odd woman out who can't get it together. ive been able to maintain a good level of happiness despite the lack of love in my life, but i am rather tired of dating and game playing. any insight out there?

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 3:41pm

I have hopefully, only temporarily, pulled myself out of the dating pool but I can tell you that I have some beautiful, successful, smart, fun girlfriends who have the very same experiences as yourself. They'll see a guy maybe once a week for a couple of weeks straight and then he falls off the face of the earth. I don't get it. I wish I had some answers for you! I hope that just knowing that there are plenty others out there like you, experiencing the same thing, dulls the sting a little!

One question, do you like the chase at all? I myself have been guilty of judging guys quickly just because they like me. I sometimes view a guy's interest as being clingy or needy, "too available". Do you do that? Maybe you aren't picking the right ones? I know that a couple of my girlfriends seem to only want the unavailable guys. The ones who don't call when they say and make hints at going out on dates but never deliver. We'll all go out to a bar and they'll see these a**holes and then take every opportunity to fawn all over them. Do you go for the bad boys? Of course, I don't know you. I am just tossing out possibilities ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 4:15pm
i try to avoid unavailable men, but it does seem to happen. I always wonder if i find them, or if they find me. i recently moved to a new city and have met a ton of men since ive been here, and they consist of one fresh out of a long term relationship, one IN a relationship, one that is cute but there just is no real connection there, and another who is over the top with his interest, in which case, yes, it does tend to make me not interested. but i believe there's a happy medium when persuing someone or being persued; it does not have to be too in your face or persistent. im an old fashioned girl, in that i like to be persued, i really scrutinize things like opening a door or keeping your word about calling, etc. and, if i get the vibe that someone is not interested in me, i usually lose interest in them. every now and then i let someone in or take a risk, and thats when the things in my original post seem to happen: when i'm as cynical as can be, then someone comes along that makes me want to have faith, then it blows up in my face.
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 6:30pm

Well, good luck to you in your romantic endeavors! It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Fill your time with great friends, hobbies, interests and just try to enjoy the single life while it lasts. You know what they say, "The grass is always greener ... "

:O)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 7:24pm
I have seen this same thing happen to myself and to my friends as well. You are definately not alone. I think there are more and more men out there who are just too selfish to commit and who have other priorities than putting an effort into a relationship, so it's common to meet men like this. They may be successful and intelligent and fun, but at the same time they are not emotionally available for a relationship. I think the most important things we women should look for is how they treat us, how consistent they are and if they are kind and caring people in general who don't just think of themselves. Of course they have to be responsible and mature as well. These are the kinds of men who are long term relationship material. The dating world is tough so you are not alone. Keep at it and try not to become too cynical because there is someone out there for you and you will find this person. Sometimes it takes awhile longer than we would like it to but keeping the faith is important and trying your best to enjoy the time you do have to yourself right now because once you do meet this person you won't have as much time to do the things that you really enjoy in life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 11-28-2006 - 11:45am

No, you are not alone. I just had the most recent attempt at a relationship end officially yesterday. We dated two months, and then he disappeared for 10 days. I finally contacted him to see what was up, and he said "he wasn't sure about me and he was taking time to figure out if there was a spark."

Well, I'm not waiting around for someone to decide if there's a spark. I deserve someone who KNOWS there's a spark and shows me that, and I told him so. It hurts a lot today, but I know it's the best thing to move on and, yes, try again.

He is the latest in a long string of short-term relationships that started off great and fizzled (or crashed and burned in some cases). I also feel like I must be doing something wrong, wonder what other women have that I don't, etc. I have a very healthy self esteem, but, man, this is wearing me thin.

The best advice I can give you is that there are a lot of men out there who just aren't ready or emotionally able to have a healthy relationship. Some men are ready - it just takes awhile longer to find them. When you do find one, it will make you that much more grateful for him. In the long run, those of us who struggle appreciate the gift more.

AJ, enjoying life with C.