Alone and not lonely

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Alone and not lonely
4
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 8:38am
When I was little, I adored stories where a princ charming would come into poor girl's life and save her from everything. Of course, he'd marry her and love her for the rest of their life.

Yeah right.

Well, in short, I really believed it would happen to me too. I was extremely happy having a boyfriend but totally felt worthless when I was alone.

It took some time to realize: I don't need a guy to be happy! Of course, there's nothing better in the world than being in love. But I can't force anything. The right guy will come along. Until then I live my life to the fullest and enjoy single life: alone but not lonely!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Mon, 09-01-2003 - 11:21am
Right on, Sunny! It's so nice to know that others have come to understand the HUGE difference between being BY yourself, and being WITH yourself.

I've been alone all L'Day weekend, but I planned for it. I worked half-days on all 3 days; my job has been good enough to let me do it b/c I'm banking leave for my right-knee surgery in Dec. It's really critical b/c I have a SECOND left-knee surgery in March. They aren't drastic, and I've been through it before, but I'll be convalescing for at least 4 wks, so I'll need all the leave I can stash.

When I came home, I was ready for that too. Since I just moved into my new home in June, I'm still "moving in," so I was getting organized. I'd bought some furniture online, so I hired some guys to come in and assemble them--and now I've got a dresser, a desk, and a vanity, and I'm so happy! So all weekend long I've been doing laundry and storing stuff away in my new dresser.

The key to being alone is, I think, MAKING PLANS. By having a plan in place, you also prevent yourself from slipping into that melancholy mess w/the "I've-got-no-one-to-love-me" blues. It's been a long time since I've sung that tune; I've been way too busy (and tired!).

And, FYI, the loneliest I've ever been was during my disastrous 13-mo marriage--so I'm grateful to have cultivated my OWN company all these years.

Ash

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 1:32am
Ash I'm so proud of you and women like you!!

Greatest thing in life is when you realize you are independent and that your life is fulfilled if you love yourself and do things on your own for yourself. So many women around me crave for a man in their lives and what they don't realize is that if they find a man they will become addicted to him and that won't be life again, it will be nothing but addiction. Cause those women just can't see how they are not free. So many women suffer being with wrong guys who make them feel awful and torment them but still if I talk to them (as a single woman not even dating anyone) they will feel superior. They think they worth more if they have a man! What they don't realize is that they are miserable with their choises, not me.

Great job Ash!

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anonymous user
Tue, 09-02-2003 - 9:33pm
Ash - could you give a little more info on your marriage? I'm in a relationship that I really thought could be "the one" but now I'm not so sure. I find I'm not that happy being part of such an established couple. I don't want to screw up either way. I'm thinking I might be better off single but it's so scary when you hear so many women lamenting the lack of good men, and my guy IS a good guy. If you don't want to share, that's okay, too. Just looking for the perspective of someone who gave marriage a try and found single life to be good in comparison.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 10:44am
I'm not sure how insight into my marital debacle might salvage your own, but here goes...

At age 47 I'd been single for many years; I had had a long-term (16 yrs!) r'ship w/an abusive drunk 11 yrs before, but I had successfully escaped when I got the chance to buy my first home. I left that guy and never looked back, and lived quite successfully on my own for over a decade.

So when I met now-XH (through a personal ad), I was in the right frame of mind: I was "ripe" long enough, and here was a man who seemed steadfast--early 50s, widowed w/grown kids, a HS teacher, and minister of his own church. He seemed like a hard worker like myself, so we dated for 16 mos.

During that time I came to know his kids, and I knew (from observation and from what he told me) that his youngest, 28 yo, was the classic "preacher's kid:" had been juvenile delinquent, was ADHD, had had drug problems, and had even served 1 yr's time for "credit-card fraud" (important catch phrase; I'll explain later). But XHTB assured that he, like myself, deplored and disapproved of son's lifestyle and habits, and his lifestyle would in no way impinge or interfere w/ours.

Well, w/that reassurance we married, and 2 mos after the wedding the son was diagnosed w/cancer. Since he'd have to have chemo, radiation, he could no longer work, so I agreed to let him move in w/us. Bad move--not just b/c it was too soon (though unavoidable), but the weekend he moved in, son told us very calmly that he moved cocaine for a living! I was the only one in the room who was appalled; XH and son's GF took news very calmly.

The following 8 wks were a nitemare; it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what was going on w/all those cars and all those friends of son's, who were driving up to the house at all hours and departing shortly afterward; I felt like I was standing in a swamp. And the worst of it was XH had NO objection to it, and even encouraged the activity, saying son "had to see his friends." I kept telling him that they weren't going to football games, they were trafficking drugs, but it made no difference to XH. That's when I came to see: he was part of the Family Business as well. And about the "credit-card" fraud: I've since come to learn that that seems to be a "catch-phrase" used by people who want to put a "good face" on prior legal offenses, so that's the one that seems innocuous enough to most people. I now believe that the true offense was drug-related.

It all came to a head when I had expressly forbidden son's GF to stay overnight w/him in his room, over some vehement protests from all; my thinking was, if he's well enough to want a woman in his bed, he has no business staying w/us--and she would be 2 degrees from her own parents throwing her out of the house and she'd move in w/us permanently. One morning, when they'd arrived at 2:30 am (on a weekday morning), I got up b/c I had some uneasiness. Son's BR door was cracked--and there was GF, buck-ass naked on his bed. I threw them both out and their clothes after them, forbidding them from ever returning. XH tried to tell me that they'd just arrived, and that the hood of son's car was still warm--in short, my husband was defending another woman against HIS OWN WIFE in our own home.

The pivotal moment came when I got a call, after this incident, from my sister, w/whom I don't get along and XH knew it. He was at her house, and they both summoned me over there to discuss our marital woes. I've no idea what was cussed or discussed, but I did know that I did not want my H discussing our private life w/other people, least of all HER. One month later I found sister's phone # on his cell-phone directory, and when I called him on it, he made a big show of deleting it in front of me. After the following month, when the cell-phone bill arrived, there were his calls to her--after he'd deleted the #.

For me, that was it, and I knew I could never trust him again. This was apart from the co-signatures for loans he and his kids had requested of me--not just for a few hundred, but for $2500 EACH--and for HIM as well. After the wedding, he told me that he had filed for bankruptcy TWICE. Once I could understand, but twice is something that, had I known before, might've give me MUCH pause...

Like yours, though, XH was a "nice guy"--to the world. What I've sadly come to learn is that he's a true con artist, wearing many different masks for many different people as the need arises. True enough, he's a minister, a teacher, a widower, and these things are all fact--but those masks hide his true character, which is that of the con artist. Everyone he meets is one more "mark," especially women, and all people are simply a means to meet his own ends. No one is exempt from being used, including his kids--that family seems to use each other--and especially any wife or woman close enough for him to "touch"--easy ones go twice.

As I told you, I don't know how much of that history can help you. But I do know if you've got that many second thoughts, DON'T DO IT. Yes, there may be a "lack of good men," but I'm firmly convinced that NO man is better than being USED by a man who pretended to love me, just to promote his own hidden agenda--and who'd leave me anyway when he was done. In my own case, the prospect of being alone, at age 48, was far preferable to staying w/a man whose questionable activities and companions might land me 20-to-life in the slammer for crimes I wasn't even part of. The entire time I was married, and those nefarious activities slowly became known to me, I felt like there was a party in my own house that I wasn't even invited to--that I was paying for.

There are worse things than being single, and I thank God now that he gave me the strength and purpose (nevermind courage; I was terrified the whole time) to run away. That's another thing: XH convinced me to sell my own home, w/11 yrs' equity, at a loss of $27K in equity so we could buy our own "love nest"; in the divorce settlement, I got back barely $5K. If I'd gotten back nothing, I was still better off--but w/that $$, and what $$ I saved on my own (I started planning my divorce 4 mos after my wedding), I found a house I absolutely love and will never leave again. I and my cats live there alone, and while I'm occasionally $$ly strapped, it's $$ I'd STILL spend in a heartbeat, if it means my own roof that I'll never have to share w/that man again.

I paid a very steep price to learn that people are never what they seem to be, but I also thank God I was able to "land on my feet." To say nothing of knowing that, living alone, I give myself the chance to possibly meet someone else more worthy. And if not, at least I know I've made my own life, on my terms, w/out any fear or danger from anyone else's stupidity.

Ash

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anonymous user
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 3:39pm
Thanks for sharing. That DOES sound like a bad situation. But more important, how you choose to look back and interpret the experience is an inspiration. To see the price you paid and take empowerment from the lessons learned instead of lamenting the loss. I'm sure you have down times, too, so I really want to encourage your positive perspective!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 11:25am
Oh, my dear, are there EVER bad times, even now...

This morning I had a dream about Him, and for once I remembered what the dream was about: we were together, and I was on my way out the door, and I was crying to him that we'd never once had a chance to dance together. He, meanwhile, was just watching me cry and doing nothing.

When I woke up, I had the residual sadness of the memory; in fact, we hadn't ever danced together. Then I remembered what he had done when I fell through the attic on Mothers' Day, dropped 9 ft and impaled myself on a 2-prong garden trowel (and I'd already filed for divorce). While we were awaiting EMS, the neighbors had come over to find out what was wrong--and he raised my housedress (I wore no undies) to show them my puncture wounds.

There was absolutely no need for that--and whenever I get misty, THOSE are the memories, and others like them, that I bring back to remind me of why I left...

Ash