am I asking for too much at this point?
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| Thu, 08-09-2007 - 10:48am |
I'm beginning to feel like dating after 30 is going to be like going on a slew of job interviews-- structured with a strategy in place, a review process for both parties, then the wait for the followup call to schedule another meeting, or receive the rejection letter in the mail. I wonder if I should scratch the idea of randomly meeting someone and falling in love, that at this stage of the game, because it is so damn hard to just meet anyone anymore, that I have to rely on setups and maybe the internet, again.
I'm always told it's a "numbers game." Maybe it's true, maybe that's what it really comes down to in this day and age, but gosh, that's so unromantic. Did my grandmother back in the 40s see dating and getting married as a numbers game? Probably not. Back then the boys came home from the war, found themselves a "swell" girl at a dance club in the neighborhood and asked her to marry him within a year. In those days it was probably almost embarassing to be dating someone for 4, 5 years without any talk of marriage. Men were less likely to play that kind of game unless they were bad news, and any smart, marriage-minded girl with any self-respect would never take that sort of crap from them in the first place anyway. What was it about life, about dating back then? I was decades away from being born, but yeah, I miss those days.
I have such envy for those women I know, young and old, who met their husbands during college or at their first job, who never had to date a million men and play this ridiculous numbers game in order to find someone, who never had to know real heartache and rejection other than a high school bubblegum romance that they can now look back on with a laugh and a shrug and feel nothing about when they hear that Johnny is now married with three kids. I hate the idea of being assessed for several weeks before a guy wants to really commit, and I hate having to do that myself, not knowing it in my heart, having to weigh the pros and cons the way someone might do when purchasing a used car. My father says he knew he wanted to marry my mother the day he met her. I cannot help but wonder if I will ever have that one day, or when I do get married, if I will have to paste on a plastic smile for my wedding photo. Will I have to settle for letting someone "grow" on me, and vice versa, the way couples in an arranged marriage grow on each other even if they were far from in love when they met, and for the first few months of being together?
Just some thoughts...

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I'm not going to comment on dating after 30 because someone will probably want to smack me, but as for dating in the "good old days," I don't think it's that people were smarter or dating was easier or it was easier to find someone that was right for you, I suspect that many more people settled in bad marriages because they were "supposed" to be married (and couldn't get divorced) and have kids, and all the rest.
Other than that, keep your chin up and good luck. :)
Ok, let's say that things really were that wonderful back then (I don't really think they were but for the sake of argument, let's say they were)...what good does pining for them do you in today's world? You may not like it but it's the only world you've got so better to spend your energy working with it than focusing on what is no longer the case.
And I can't imagine "committing" in "several weeks"--did you mean to say months? You should be doing as much evaluating as the guy is during the first 4-6 months of dating--it's not all up to him.
It seems to me that a marriage or significant relationship is a far more important component of your life than a used car, so you should put far more work into finding one AND deciding if the guy is right for you. It's not realistic to think a guy who's right for you is going to fall into your lap or that no evaluation is going to be necessary.
I don't see why you think that the alternative to love at first sight is settling. That makes absolutely no sense. I think people like your parents are extremely rare and extremely lucky--for every couple like them for whom it worked out, I bet there are 999 who had miserable marriages and/or split up.
Sheri
I hear you. I have been back in the dating pool for three years now - after a 5-year relationship ended when I was 29.
I have gone through all those thoughts -- "it was so much easier for grandma/grandpa and mom/dad", "my friends who met their spouses in college don't know how lucky they are", "meeting online is unromantic - I want sparks to fly with someone at the grocery store". :)
One of the best lessons I have learned in the past three years of dating is that my story is not the same as anyone else's story. No, I didn't meet the "one" at 14 like my mom did. Yes, I have had to give Internet dating a shot and it's a little annoying and unromantic. Yes, it's hard, and I wish I had found him already, darnit...
BUT, when I do find the guy - however I find the guy - the how/when/why of how we met will be uniquely ours. I think that's cool. For me, it has helped a TON not to compare myself to others and not to wish it had been different. It wasn't different, and all I can do is make my NOW the best it can be.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
>>No, I didn't meet the "one" at 14 like my mom did.
Random thought, but how do people meet "the one" so young?? I know it happens, but it mystifies me...I feel like I was so, so much different just three, four years ago, nevermind at 14 or 15. The guy I dated in my teens...SO completely wrong for me, haha. :) For what it's worth, my parents met at 30 and got married within a year.
>>Random thought, but how do people meet "the one" so young?? <<
My grandparents were neighbors, so my parents met as kids. They didn't start dating until my mom was 19, though, and they got married when she was 20 - dad was 22.
Still incredibly young, and I can't imagine having been married at 20 and having a first child at 23. It was 1964, though - people just got married sooner then. It was the thing to do - mom didn't go to college, she was working and, for them, it was just the right time.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
Ahh, I see. That makes more sense. :)
No, I can't either, but I actually have quite a few friends that are doing just the same thing. I can't imagine having children right now (OR being married!), I can barely take care of myself!
I think the different between then and now (in my humble opinion) is independence. Back then people liked being dependent on each other. Women gladly left the workforce to stay home and become mothers and men liked having their women home depending on them.
How generations now are all about being independent and frown upon being too dependent on any other being. People are afraid to admit they need people or need love. You're seen as a weak, insecure basketcase if you admit to feeling better when you have someone to love, but we've been taught that doing for ourselves and really looking out only for ourselves is best and so most people are doing just that; looking out for #1 (themselves) and are less willing to change the foundation of their lives to really allow another person into their lives and hearts.
Most people I know are resisting long-term commitment and marriage as long as they can. It's no longer viewed as the when life begins. Nowadays, seems people regard it as when they stop enjoying the carefree, pleasures of their youth and "settle down".
Just my opinion from my experiences.
My parents are the same way.
I feel your pain.
First of all, I won't tell you it's a numbers game. I think the process is far more mystical, and one that cannot be controlled. Let me repeat: it can't be controlled. Sure you can go out on a bunch of dates with guys you've met through match.com, and some women actually enjoy the process, but I'm not so sure it's the path to true love (but could be).
By the way, I don't know what the path is. I think it has more to do with the law of attraction and just dumb luck. Yes, you have to get out of the house. Yes, you have to widen your social network. But you know what? It's damned hard. And when you've been at it for years, it's makes a girl downright weary.
As to previous generations. My parents met, honest to God, at a USO during WWII. They married when my mother was 19 and my dad was 21. My mother says that the goal was to be married as soon as possible out of high school. And if you ever passed the age of 30 and were not married, you were considered a loser. You know, you mention dancing...in those days, people did dance a lot, and it wasn't at a "club" so much as in neighborhoods or schools or churches or just at a party at someone's house. There wasn't the pressure to have sex on the third date. And I think our society was much less fragmented. My father has always said that our culture changed dramatically after WWII. He says that people moved away from the town where they grew up and society became more fragmented and isolated. Anyway, I don't know if it were truly any easier, I just think our society was set up to help the process along. And people got married much younger. And women were programmed to get married for finacial security. Divorce was much less common.
I understand the whole envy thing.
But there's no reason to "settle" for someone, really. Personally, I would rather be alone than to settle (and I've done a darn good job of that, let me tell you). Even as weary and disappointed as I am, I still feel there's hope for me, and I know that if I meet someone, it will be magic and special and something I could have never orchestrated.
It's OK to be sad about this. Rest up a bit, then start again.
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