am I asking for too much at this point?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
am I asking for too much at this point?
20
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 10:48am

I'm beginning to feel like dating after 30 is going to be like going on a slew of job interviews-- structured with a strategy in place, a review process for both parties, then the wait for the followup call to schedule another meeting, or receive the rejection letter in the mail. I wonder if I should scratch the idea of randomly meeting someone and falling in love, that at this stage of the game, because it is so damn hard to just meet anyone anymore, that I have to rely on setups and maybe the internet, again.

I'm always told it's a "numbers game." Maybe it's true, maybe that's what it really comes down to in this day and age, but gosh, that's so unromantic. Did my grandmother back in the 40s see dating and getting married as a numbers game? Probably not. Back then the boys came home from the war, found themselves a "swell" girl at a dance club in the neighborhood and asked her to marry him within a year. In those days it was probably almost embarassing to be dating someone for 4, 5 years without any talk of marriage. Men were less likely to play that kind of game unless they were bad news, and any smart, marriage-minded girl with any self-respect would never take that sort of crap from them in the first place anyway. What was it about life, about dating back then? I was decades away from being born, but yeah, I miss those days.

I have such envy for those women I know, young and old, who met their husbands during college or at their first job, who never had to date a million men and play this ridiculous numbers game in order to find someone, who never had to know real heartache and rejection other than a high school bubblegum romance that they can now look back on with a laugh and a shrug and feel nothing about when they hear that Johnny is now married with three kids. I hate the idea of being assessed for several weeks before a guy wants to really commit, and I hate having to do that myself, not knowing it in my heart, having to weigh the pros and cons the way someone might do when purchasing a used car. My father says he knew he wanted to marry my mother the day he met her. I cannot help but wonder if I will ever have that one day, or when I do get married, if I will have to paste on a plastic smile for my wedding photo. Will I have to settle for letting someone "grow" on me, and vice versa, the way couples in an arranged marriage grow on each other even if they were far from in love when they met, and for the first few months of being together?

Just some thoughts...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 4:21pm

I guess the truth for me is that I don't always feel so liberated or independent... I feel alone. Liberated into loneliness. I think if I was married to the RIGHT man, even at the young age of say 24, I think I still would have achieved everything I wanted to achieve, maybe later in life, but then again, for me, having kids is more important than the great career. A woman I highly admire got married in her early 20s and found her career at 45 and became the best in her business by 50. And she was very traditional and conservative.

So what if I went to college, worked a little, got married at 24, had a child or two before 30. I think if I really wanted the great career and had a supportive partner I would have gotten it eventually. I'd so much rather be raising kids right now than dragging myself all over my city going to meetings, wearing high heels and suits on 90 degree days. I've done the career thing. I've proven whatever to myself that it was I think I wanted to prove. That I can make money and function? My parents said they raised me to be independent. I'm they didn't expect me to end up all alone in the process. I've had enough. At this point I'd rather be barefoot and pregnant. I think I'd make a better mother than career girl any day because while I like my job it isn't what I'd put on my tombstone. I don't know how many women out there would give their children back for a great job-- or give them back for my "liberated" life.

So yeah, this gets frustrating as I'm not sure what to do with myself next other than go back to school for something completely different by the age of 40 so I don't get bored out of my mind with the state of things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 4:35pm
Well, everyone takes different paths, there's nothing inherently wrong or dependent about being married at 24, I just can't imagine it. I also can't imagine having kids at my age, if at all. I'd rather find something I truly love to do (a tall order) and work my way to the top. I'm sure love will be in there somewhere and that's important to me, too. Kids, ehh....but people seem to KNOW when they want to be a mother and kudos to you, I respect that...and good luck. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 4:39pm

>>With the advent of internet dating and online communications, we have a ton more options. Which I also think is our downfall.<<

UGH- yes. It makes it *seem* like there is always something better out there. People just don't have the attention span they need to get to know someone well anymore before they decide to move on to the next, supposedly better thing.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Thu, 08-09-2007 - 5:03pm

>>"Liberated into loneliness."<<

A great phrase, and I have felt that way myself. Like society doesn't place the same importance on love, marriage, companionship, etc. as it used to. Like we're all secretly lonely, but we're supposed to feel ecstatic that we're 'independent' and have great careers.

So, I totally get where you're coming from. On the flip side, so you didn't get married at 24 and you don't have kids yet. You can't change that - that's how your life has played out. Fair or not, it just is.

That doesn't mean it won't happen and it doesn't mean you have to give up the dream. I personally believe that we each have been given our own set of dreams and desires for a reason. One of yours is to be a wife and mom (me too), and I don't think you have to give up that dream. It may not come in the package you originally envisioned (i.e. meet your soul mate in college, have kids before 30, etc. -- that's how I pictured it for me) -- but maybe the package that it does come in will be even better. Maybe the person you meet will turn out to be far better than you ever dreamed possible. Because of how biology works, the children you have in your 30s will be completely different people than the ones you would have had before -- and maybe those are the children who were meant to be yours.

Easier said than done, I know, but I think the key is accepting your past for what it is. Embracing the past and appreciating it for how it helped you become who you are today. Living in the present and enjoying it for what it is, and still having dreams for the future.

Many wonderful things in life happen after the age of 30. I don't know who decided that was the deadline of all deadlines, but it just isn't. Your life isn't over, and it can still be all that you dreamed it to be. :)

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 8:06am
Before I met my bf of now 3.5 years I could have written your post word for word. I thought exactly the same things, in almost exactly the same words. I was very very unhappy being single and desperately wanted a partner to share my life with - I never hid behind the 'I LOVE being single' nonsense either. So I know very well where you are coming from. It is incredibly hard, in this day and age, and afer 35, to find a person with whom you would be compatible on all important levels, who you would like, desire and respect and who would also feel all those same things back for you AND want a long term committed r-ship. I am not going to go on about how you should learn to be happy by yourself first and how liberating and wonderful it is to be single. Make as much of an effort as you can whilst still staying sane lol to meet new men, be it the internet or real life - I don't believe in the fictional 'he will turn up when you're not looking' either. Your time WILL come, believe me, and soon. It's just the matter of actually ACTIVELY and consistently doing something about it no matter how disheartening it can feel - and of course being in the right place at the right time; luck, pure luck, and it will come your way.
Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 12:00pm

I bet our parents weren't as discerning and did not have high expectations like we have.

When you say you envy the women who did not have to date a lot in order to meet the guy they married, what comes to mind for me is that what makes THIS guy so ideal? To me that says they did not get the experience of other people and relationships. To me that says they did not have that opportunity to grow, mature, and bring a more in depth person to the relationship.

Just another way to look at it...

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 12:46pm

That's a good perspective on it. I never thought of it that way. I guess back then the goal was simple-- get married and raise a family. It was a normal uncomplicated right of passage that that wasn't debated and deconstructed, like experiencing your first day of school, graduating high school, getting a job, buying a house, all the usual stuff we go through in life. I mean, these are all things that most people tend to want, and if you don't get them, what do you have? You're left uneducated, working a low level, low paying job, or just unemployed, economically disadvantaged (in that people who don't buy homes tend to have less savings according to studies and news articles I've read). So if you don't get married, what is usually the outcome-- being alone and facing the fear of not having anyone around to care if you live or die? Sure, most of us have parents, grandparents, cousins now and they suffice, but let's face it. Parents die, siblings get married and have kids and their own issues to contend with, friends move away... a major --though selfish but understandable--reason people marry is to avoid that awful feeling of loneliness and having to navigate this tough world by yourself. Even wolves and elephants have that much figured out. They count on each other for support and survival. Maybe our society is on a road towards rejecting that natural instinct.

I'd guess my point is that anyone in a truly happy marriage that started at the young age of say 22 back in 1960 would not want to trade places with me, would not say, gee, I wish I dated more and went through more pain and wasted more time, it would have made me a better person. Married or not, life is full of difficulty, so we either take it at 20 or at 50, it's gonna come to us in one shape or another. Years ago, I had the chance to talk with an elderly couple married for 50+ years and the topic of "what made your marriage work all these years" came up. They were ready with the answer-- trust, the ability to compromise, communicate and enjoy each other's company. There was nothing amazingly complicated to it. I think they also said that they dated for under a year before getting engaged. It was cut and dry. No drama, no soap opera scenarios, no break up, get back, break up, over and over. They weren't running back to match.com trying to see if there's anyone better out there before they tied the knot. They weren't looking for someone younger beause they were both in their early 20s at the time. They still looked at each other with love in their eyes even after all those years, with no regrets. It sounded kinda nice, but that's just me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 08-10-2007 - 6:27pm
I too could have written your post before I met my current boyfriend 10 months ago. I was beyond frustrated. I always wanted a family etc etc. I have a career, a condo and all of the above but not married with children at age 31 and thought I would have all that by this age. I hear ya.
I'm not sure if me and my boyfriend will get married. I'm hoping, but the reality is you never really know until it happens. I think my views on marriage and children have changed in this past year and I'm not sure if it's because I'm in a relationship or I've just started to see things differently. I think it might be a combination of both.
I do agree with Mark that when you aren't married with children it's a lot easier to focus on yourself and grow emotionally and mentally to become the kind of person you want to be and find what sparks your interest in life. I think I've done a lot of that and that IS a positive to being single for sure.
I'm thinking now that if I get married and have children great. If it's not meant to happen then I'll have to be ok with that too. But like I said, I have felt the same sorts of frustrations and feelings as you. I think right now I'm fine with the way things are right now and am grateful for that and I don't feel a huge rush to get married or have kids.
I never was one to be fully ok being single either, although I wish I was and hope that I will be if I were to be single again. I was sometimes ok, but it was an up and down process for me. Just keep getting out there and trying to make it happen for you. I know for the most part you can't control it, but you can take some steps to increase those chances of it happening and you can continue to have hope and visualize it happening. Love can happen with online dating so don't rule it out. I'm happy in my relationship and met him on match.com 10 months ago. Good luck to you and believe in yourself and have hope.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Sun, 08-12-2007 - 9:07pm

I hear ya iv nancy.

I'm tempted to chuck it all and move back to the East coast to be with my sweetie.

I've tried to establish myself career wise, and I don't seem to be getting very far despite my hard work and effort and education. In many ways I feel like I've been sold a bill of goods.

Also, I have had the same questions you have. My father and mother met in the military in Mississippi years ago, got married within a year I think, stayed married for over 30 years until my father passed away 4 years ago.

My sister met her husband at a friend's high school reunion. They married 2 years ago, and now have a 10-month old son, my first and only nephew.

My sister had her share of disappointments. I did too. Too many if you ask me. They were "learning experiences," I suppose, but I think I would have been fine without having "learned" anything.

Someone suggested to me that I just try to find someone out here so I don't have to move (because I would have to, if/when it comes down to that). Not only is my boyfriend the most consistent and trustworthy person I know, I'm done dating.

I would not be settling. He is a great guy, a rare find. A Southern gentleman.

I've known him for 7 years, we were close just before I moved to the West coast for graduate school 4 years ago. When I moved, we agreed to allow each other to explore possibilities if they presented themselves. I did just that but they did not pan out.

In May, during a visit back to the East coast, we re-connected and agreed to be exclusive. That suits us fine, for now.

All that to say, I hear ya. I don't want to be barefoot and pregnant, but I would like to be married. I really would. I don't want to go through any more bs to make that happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2005
Sat, 08-18-2007 - 12:55am

Here's how I look at it: I'm not married, but I'm not divorced, either. I'm 26 and I've dated a lot of jerks, but at least I didn't marry any of them. I have a friend who's a year younger than me who is on her third marriage and isn't happy with him, either. I know a lot of women my age who married when they were younger and are now divorced. I don't think anyone should have to settle. That's what leads to divorce and unhappy marriages. Why marry the wrong guy just for the sake of being married? What's so wrong with being single, anyway? I'm sick of people trying to set me up. Everyone thinks they know what I'm looking for, and they're always wrong. No more blind dates! If I'm supposed to meet someone, I eventually will. If not, I hope I won't have to spend the rest of my life with people nagging me about my love life.

The whole thing about meeting someone randomly and falling in love is just that--random. You can't plan for it, and you don't know when it will happen. Tomorrow could be the day. However, if you're already with some guy that you've settled for, you might miss your opportunity for real love.

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