Am I crazy what happened?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Am I crazy what happened?
59
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 8:55pm

I have already posted this under GUY TALK hoping that a guy would read it and give me a males prospective. However, it could be that maybe I need a woman's prospective instead since we run into typical situations like this more than men.

I've been going crazy trying to figure this situation out for the last couple of days and need help. There's a guy at my job that I'm interested in and thought the was interested in me too. We talk often, flirt and laugh our butts off everytime we're together. He asks everytime he sees me how my day is going (my boss is a nightmare...lol) and never passes me by without saying hello. No matter what he's doing or where he's going. I was trying to get up the nerve to ask him out but he beat me to it. He asked me to a picnic that he and some friends were having. I figured this was my chance to get to know him better and went along. It was great and everything went better than I could've imanagined. Until, I asked him to a function that I was having the next week. He told me and everyone that would listen repeatedly that he was coming. I know this because people around me kept telling me. So, I was of course very excited as the event drew nearer. Then you guessed it he didn't show up no call, no email, no nothing. When I saw him next he said he was tired from working all day and just couldn't make it. I tried to be open-minded but something about it just didn't ring true or make sense. As far as I know he's not married or dating anyone because I assume this person would've been at the picnic. I just don't understand I really need a man to explain this to me. Why would a guy go through all the trouble of telling you he wanted to be somewhere he didnt'. There was no pressure at all I SWEAR since other people he and I both knew would be there. I just thought since we had such a good time together at his shindig. Why not do it again? Ok, so am I just DAMN crazy or is it possible I just read more into the situation than there was. My girlfriends say I should give him another chance because it's possible he got cold feet and just got scared. I don't know what to think I just don't want to start falling for someone who is playing mind games.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 11:29am

>when a woman is too forward with a guy it's a turnoff

"Too" has somewhat negative connotations so I agree that being "too forward" IS a turnoff. But this is true for men and women alike.

>Personally I would rather allow the man to ask me out
>especially the first couple of times because then I
>know he's interested

Yes, but ask you out on a *date*. If he keeps asking you out to friendly social gatherings you will never really know if he is interested in you romantically. Especially if nothing romantic happens at them!

I am now starting to understand why so many men have become a victim of the "I only like you as a friend" situation....WOMEN PLAY GAMES!!!




Edited 9/7/2006 11:34 am ET by hal_9000
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 12:52pm
Game playing isn't gender specific (to state the obvious).
Improper communication/assumptions are huge problems when two people are at the get-to-know each other stage. And that poor communication leads to misunderstanding and second-guessing. It's unfortunate. That's why I feel it's important to Say what you Mean, and Mean what you Say. Just be clear. Things would be so much easier in general.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 2:23pm
Yes, women play games too and it's not gender specific. But I've heard time and time again that men don't like to be asked out for the most part by women, because it's too forward, so of course I'm going to assume that's true especially if I've been poofed on before and I"ve heard too many stories of women who have asked men out and they went on a date with them just to be nice but then after awhile they just never returned phone calls. If a guy asks you out then you know he's interested in you instead of "trying to be nice". Men hardly ever tell a woman when he's not interested because he would rather be trampled down by wild elephants than to actually say these things to our faces because they fear that we are too weak to hear this. I think this is bullcrap and instead of someone completely ghosting on me I would rather them tell me what's going on through their heads. This is why I never know if a man is interested or not, he's too chicken to tell me when he's not and too chicken to tell me if he is! It drives me crazy to a certain degree. Women are told time and time again that if a guy is not asking us out then he's not interested in us so don't bother to ask him out because eventually he will leave out of boredom or disinterst. If he's not pursuing actively then he's either not interested or not available. You are a man Hal let me know if this is true?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 2:31pm
Thank you charma I completely agree!
For the most part it's not the female gender that has the problems communicating. It's the male gender. Not in all cases, but a lot of cases. This is why it's so difficult in dating at the beginning because A LOT of men (not all) refuse to be honest and upfront because they think that we are as fragile as glass and will break or something. Sure, I would be disappointed but I"ll get over it eventually. I have told ALL the men that I've dated in which I've had just friendly feelings for the truth and I believe that all of them have appreciated it no matter how hard it was to hear. However I rarely ever get the same in return from men, I just get poofed on. That to me is comletely disrespectful and cowardly and those kinds of guys I would never want to date anyway. I would rather date a man who is mature enough to speak his mind and speak the truth. So I guess if I get poofed on, good riddance to those guys!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 2:53pm

biochic2004,

I am not going to speak on behalf of all men but I can certainly identify with everything you have written but from a man’s perspective. Women have given out their phone number (and sometimes fake ones) but never answer or come up with silly excuses as to why they can’t go out on a date. They also accept a 1st date and disappear after that. They are not interested but are too “nice” to say “no thanks.” So I think it’s about time we ended the myth that women are completely innocent when it comes to dating.

I can’t say what is or isn’t true in regard to what you read and/or hear in respect to the way men think or behave. What I can say is that there wouldn’t be countless numbers of Websites and books devoted to helping men out with dating if we were the ones who pulled the strings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 3:31pm
Yeah, I don't doubt that men have had to go through the same "too-nice-to-be-honest routine" that women have had to endure as well. I think like charma said, if both genders could speak their minds then there would be less fear, less guessing, and less doubt with dating in general. But for some reason we are always afraid of how the other person will react to us being honest. I figure if I can get over it and move on with my life then the men are big boys and can do the same, so I choose to be honest. Then at least they KNOW forsure and are not left guessing. No one has to say "Hey I wasnt' attracted to you because you have a gap between your 2 front teeth and you smell like you just got done running a marathon and didnt' take a shower". You can at least say "I really enjoyed my time with you but to be honest, I don't feel the connection or I think that there are some incapatibilities".
I think that there are just too many books out there on dating and relationships and too many different opinions so no one really knows which way is up anymore. I read all those books too. But it helps to not have the black and white thinking and take things with a grain of salt and choose what really makes sense to you versus what doesn't make sense because not all of the information given rings true for everyone. I'm not a black and white thinker most of the time with dating. I will take risks and make the first phone call with a guy just to see, but if he doesn't respond then of course I let it go. I'm told not to make the first call or not to ask a guy out if I"m interested by a lot of people on these boards or by my friends, but I do what feels reasonable to me at the time and if I feel like taking a risk I'll take a risk.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 3:42pm
Biochic, I was in a relationship from age 19 to 29. I broke up with my ex for many reasons, long story. So anyway, when I entered the dating world I was clueless! I was all naive and stuff. I met this guy and we hit it off. He had seen me out one evening and asked a friend of his that I worked with for my email address. Went out a few times and everything was good. I let him do all of the pursuin so I wouldn't seem pushy or anything. Well after 2 months of everything being fine, he stopped calling. When I called he didn't return my calls. We hadn't had an argument or anything like that. I was like WTF???! When I finally got a hold of him, he tells me he wants to take things slow. I'm thinkin to myself Well you're the one who set the pace, not me! I left it alone, and don't you know a few months later he starts callin again! I'm cool with him, but as far as anything romantic, Hell to the Naw! Isn't that nuts? And I bet so many people have stories like that.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 4:09pm
That is VERY frustrating when things like that happen and you are right, it does happen very frequently in the dating world. Things have definately changed with dating lately. I think it has a lot to do with fear in general, fear of getting rejected and getting hurt and nit-picking on everything we see wrong with someone because it will allow us to keep our walls up and maintain distance. Not communicating does this as well, it creates a wall between you and the other person and is game playing to see if the other person will let their guard down first. It's almost like a strategic game of chess and really hard to play and win I'm beginning to notice. I have been guilty of keeping my walls up too. I think it's because I do really fear getting hurt again since I"ve had 6 relationships that haven't worked in my life and countless dating experiences. But I'm beginning to be honest with myself with how I'm feeling and why I do some of the things I do which is a step in the direction of stopping the pattern and being available for a healthy partner. I'm taking a lot more breaks from dating than I have in the past to regain my self esteem after disappointments and allowing myself to feel the hurt so I can bounce and get out there again. If more people would just be real with themselves and another person and not have so much fear then dating wouldn't be like a difficult chess game!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 4:23pm
I hear ya. I value honesty and it is really frustrating/annoying when men don't say what they feel. It hurts more trying to interpret than actually hearing the truth. The whole chess thing you were talking about is so right. Dating shouldn't have to be a game. The point is to find someone who makes you happy, not eliminating pieces on a board. And it's OK to say Hey, maybe we should just be friends. Print it up and put it on T-shirts if you have to!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 5:04pm

Hal,

I emailed a colleague yesterday and he asked me out for drinks because I'm leaving next week. Did I automatically think that he liked me? Of course not. I just thought it was a nice gesture and a chance to make a new friend. Similarly, I would not have appreciated it if he thought I liked him simply because I emailed him. Hypothetically speaking if I did like him, he asked me out for casual drinks and then I was hurt because he said he only liked me as a friend, then I need to be accountable and take responsibility for my own feelings. At a certain age, a woman and a man can actually be friends before they start getting involved romantically. It's an ideal situation for both a man and woman if they have met through mutual friends, the gym or a familiar setting where they can slowly get to know the person and build up a friendship and as every mature adult would know, a friendship is the best basis for a relationship. Being in a relationship is not the be all and end all. The reason why people have so many problems with relationships is because they don't look before they leap. You have to get to know a person before you decide whether you want to take it any further. To me a friendship is much more important. All you need to do is treat people the way you would like to be treated and to be honest and upfront about how you feel. The only time there is cause for hurt is when men or women employ your avoidance tactics and disappear. It is much simpler to tell someone you don't feel for them in that way but that comes with age and maturity. No one said anything about games and deception.

Feisty




Edited 9/7/2006 5:40 pm ET by feisty01