Am I crazy what happened?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Am I crazy what happened?
59
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 8:55pm

I have already posted this under GUY TALK hoping that a guy would read it and give me a males prospective. However, it could be that maybe I need a woman's prospective instead since we run into typical situations like this more than men.

I've been going crazy trying to figure this situation out for the last couple of days and need help. There's a guy at my job that I'm interested in and thought the was interested in me too. We talk often, flirt and laugh our butts off everytime we're together. He asks everytime he sees me how my day is going (my boss is a nightmare...lol) and never passes me by without saying hello. No matter what he's doing or where he's going. I was trying to get up the nerve to ask him out but he beat me to it. He asked me to a picnic that he and some friends were having. I figured this was my chance to get to know him better and went along. It was great and everything went better than I could've imanagined. Until, I asked him to a function that I was having the next week. He told me and everyone that would listen repeatedly that he was coming. I know this because people around me kept telling me. So, I was of course very excited as the event drew nearer. Then you guessed it he didn't show up no call, no email, no nothing. When I saw him next he said he was tired from working all day and just couldn't make it. I tried to be open-minded but something about it just didn't ring true or make sense. As far as I know he's not married or dating anyone because I assume this person would've been at the picnic. I just don't understand I really need a man to explain this to me. Why would a guy go through all the trouble of telling you he wanted to be somewhere he didnt'. There was no pressure at all I SWEAR since other people he and I both knew would be there. I just thought since we had such a good time together at his shindig. Why not do it again? Ok, so am I just DAMN crazy or is it possible I just read more into the situation than there was. My girlfriends say I should give him another chance because it's possible he got cold feet and just got scared. I don't know what to think I just don't want to start falling for someone who is playing mind games.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 7:15pm

No, not really.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2006
Thu, 09-07-2006 - 11:55pm

Hal,

Ok it seems like I a created a firestorm here so I need to intervene.

After reading this thread again I really wonder who is playing the silly mind games. In her first post, iriegal37 says:

("I don't know what to think I just don't want to start falling for someone who is playing mind games.")

First off, when he greeted me at the picnic I was just expecting a "Hey wazzup" I was treated instead to a giant bear hug so tight I could barely breath and a big fat kiss on the cheek. Who knows maybe he's overly affectionate. Still, I didn't see anyone else receive that treatement maybe I missed it on my way to get a hotdog. Also, since when is being interested in getting to know somebody better playing mind games on my part. If you remember he extended the intial invitation which started this all. Not to mention when I invited him out to my function he accepted. If there was no interest why not just refuse it and the case would have been closed right there. He could have made up any excuse he wanted I would have no way of knowing fact from fiction.

Instead, he has since invited me to another picnic after blowing me off. Yet, I am the one accused of playing mind games. I don't think so Hal I don't play those games that I see people out there playing. I think it's cruel and a waste of time. If I enjoy someone's company and feel they are enjoying mine it makes sense to get to know them better. How else would you suggest some determine exactly how much you do or don't have in common. He was someone I could see myself with but that was premature. We needed to get to know each other better. Hell, I could see myself with VIN DIESEL too doesn't mean it's gonna happen. Hence, me asking him out to the function at the bar. Guys love bars and it was a very laid back and comfortable setting among friends. He accepted and proceeded to tell everyone AGAIN that would listen that he was coming. I mean really why bother if your not interested save yourself the trouble. Why go through the pretence of pretending that you were coming only to bail. I mean "Silly rabbit trick are for kids"

In a later post she writes:

"However, if I thought what went on at the picnic was more serious than it was or more romantic wouldn't I have asked him to something of a more intimate setting. Yes, I would but instead I just invited him to join in with my celebration" (Realistically, we still didn't know each other that well these were opps for us to gain insight into each other
So, we could both see where we were going and if we wanted to take the ride.)

After reading this paragraph again I wonder why she posted here in the first place. Does she think there is something worth pursuing or not?

(No, I don't since he bailed without a legit explanation)

Why use such a dramatic title for the post?

(I didn't think it was dramatic at all quite frankly what he did was more dramatic then my title)

If iriegal37 really wanted to find out if he is interested why didn't she ask him to something of a more intimate setting when she had the chance?

(Why you ask because guys tend to freak out on you and disappear look what happened when I asked him to join me at a bar for a drink with some friends...HELLLOOOOO)

Why go about it in a roundabout way? (Again because guys spook easily and don't like to have their manhood threatened most (not all) do not like aggressive woman.

BTW, Hal I get the feeling that you been given the "Let's just be friends line" from the tone of your posts. Still, I appreciate your input it's not easy to take a position and stand your ground.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 2:26am

>No, not really. It's just not often productive.

A convenient reply. How productive is it to ask a woman out on a date? What do you think the success ratio is?

>Are you saying that if the OP had asked him out for a
>more romantic "date" he would have followed through?
>I doubt that. He might have said yes (just to be polite)
>but that doesn't change who he is.

You are creating a straw man argument. You don't know what he would have done nor why. Change who he is?? Who is he?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 3:01am

>I emailed a colleague yesterday and he asked me
>out for drinks because I'm leaving next week.

Ummm...so the reason he asked you out was because you are leaving? Fair enough.

>Did I automatically think that he liked me? Of course not.

Why would you? He had a valid reason to ask you out to drinks.

>I just thought it was a nice gesture and a chance to make a new friend.

This is obvious to me too.

>Similarly, I would not have appreciated it if he thought
>I liked him simply because I emailed him.

But you actually have no idea what he thinks.

>Hypothetically speaking if I did like him, he asked me out
>for casual drinks and then I was hurt because he said he only
>liked me as a friend, then I need to be accountable and take
>responsibility for my own feelings.

You are almost describing the situation the OP finds herself in. I don't get the point you are trying to make. Hypothetically speaking would you be upset if you asked him out for casual drinks with friends and he didn't turn up? What if he turned up but one of your other friends didn't without any explanation? Would you be equally upset? You must agree, we don't treat all "friends" equally. When we have a romantic interest in one of our "friends" they MUST be accountable for their behaviour because we scrutinise everything they do.

>At a certain age, a woman and a man can actually be
>friends before they start getting involved romantically.

Yes they can but it is never a conscious decision. You can’t help who you are attracted to and I doubt that every one of your “friends” has an equal chance of becoming romantically involved with you. I’m sure that even you have friends who make you think “never in a million years”. If not, then I think you are picking and choosing your “friends” based on romantic potential.

>It is much simpler to tell someone you don't feel for them
>in that way but that comes with age and maturity

Simpler you say? Ok, you said above that it’s better to become friends first right? Ok, so you meet a man that you like as a friend. Do you ask him there and then whether he has a romantic interest in you? What happens if 6 months down the line you have developed strong romantic feelings for him but you aren’t sure if the feelings are mutual? How do you go about resolving the issue? Do you honestly believe that the friends first tactic is much easier and less heartbreaking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 3:28am

iriegal37,

The only reason you are not drawing any criticism is because you are a woman. If I, or any other man had written this post we would be accused of playing silly games. I don’t know why you are trying to back pedal now with an elaborate reply, you said it yourself:

"However, if I thought what went on at the picnic was more serious than it was or more romantic wouldn't I have asked him to something of a more intimate setting. Yes, I would but instead I just invited him to join in with my celebration"

Now you are trying to convince me he was showing you signs of interest!? If that is the case, why didn’t you ask him out to something of a more intimate setting?

Either you think he is interested or you don’t!

> I don't play those games that I see people out there playing

How can you say this when you *are* playing a silly game? He has invited you to another picnic but you said you will be keeping your distance now. Why? Isn't this a bit childish? He didn't go to your function so now you won't go to his! What "excuse" will you invent?

I will never understand some women. You whine and whine about not understanding how men think yet when a man does try and give you a perspective he is criticised and scorned!!

Fine, figure it out for yourselves. It’s hilarious to read.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 3:51am

Hal,

To give you an update, my colleague and I may be meeting up tonight and we are going to the movies on Sunday as friends. If we to arrange to meet and he didn't show up, I would think that was inconsiderate and rude. However, I know he is a complete gentleman so if that situation occurred, I would give him the benefit of the doubt and this is why it pays to be friends first as you can start to develop a trust and an understanding of that person.

"When we have a romantic interest in one of our "friends" they MUST be accountable for their behaviour because we scrutinise everything they do."

If you have a romantic interest in someone, then you are accountable for your own actions, your own thoughts and how you read into the situation.

I don't pick my friends based on romantic potential. That is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever heard. I am not that clinical, nor do I analyse everything to death and I take things on face value. Everything I do or say is done with the best intentions and I take no responsibility for the way that someone feels about me and equally, I take responsibility for my own feelings.

Clearly you have some issues with being friends with the opposite sex.

Feisty

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2004
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 4:22am

Hal,

Why????????????????? Because he stood her up!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How hard is that to understand?????????? If a man had written this post, he would have received the same response. So I repeat myself again, it would not matter if it was my sister, my cousin, my boyfriend, my colleague etc, if someone arranges to meet you somewhere and they do not show, it is rude and inconsiderate. I don't think that men or women are that hard to understand. Misunderstandings occur when you choose to read what you want from other people's actions.

Feisty




Edited 9/8/2006 4:32 am ET by feisty01
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2005
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 11:44am

Feisty,

It's clear that your interpretation of the situation is completely different to mine.

>Misunderstandings occur when you choose to read
>what you want from other people's actions

Exactly. Read this thread again and you should see where the misunderstanding has occurred. You and others keep belabouring the point that what he did is rude and inconsiderate. I think this is irrelevant, or at least academic. Like I said before, I don't care to argue about it. It's pointless. But just to keep you and others happy, I agree..Ok?

Women keep arguing about the importance of being open and honest with communication because it would remove confusion but they don't practice what they preach. Instead it's much easier to point their fingers at men and say, "They are to blame".

Why wasn't the OP "Open and honest" to begin with? Why didn't she invite this man to a more intimate setting if that is what she really wanted? Instead she took the easy route rather than confront him with her feelings. Open and honest...what a joke!!

Now she thinks playing the game of avoidance is the correct and appropriate reaction. Pretend to a man��s friend until you are convinced he isn't romantically interested then avoid him at all costs. Of course everyone agrees that this is right because he has been branded rude and inconsiderate.

iriegal37,

Why don’t you demonstrate to me exactly what women mean by "Open and honest" communication. Give the man a proper explanation as to why you won’t be attending his picnics anymore. How about something like, “I won’t be attending because in all honesty I was disappointed that you didn’t show up to my function. I was hoping that we could become more than just friends”

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 1:32pm

>>I think men are too selfish to be friends with a woman unless they are going to benefit from it in some way.<<

Fiesty,

You really do like to generalize, don't you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Fri, 09-08-2006 - 2:05pm

>>Why wasn't the OP "Open and honest" to begin with? Why didn't she invite this man to a more intimate setting if that is what she really wanted? Instead she took the easy route rather than confront him with her feelings. Open and honest...what a joke!!

Hal,

I agree with most of what you said but in reference to the above, I think the OP explained this. she didn't want to scare him off with something too intimate. As a guy this makes sense to me. What's wrong with starting things out more casually? Even if she had strong feelings it's not always appropriate, or even productive, to show these in the early stages. Now, you might say this is dishonest, but I think it's part of the dance . . .