Am i Cursed??

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Am i Cursed??
10
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 8:48pm

Hey all,

I would like an honest evaluation of my situation. My problem is that I don't have close friends. The "friends" I do have dont' really call me back, and I have to be the one to initiate hanging out. Even then, they seem to have some sort of excuse. It's so weird. I hardly go out, and this frustrates me. Every person i've been friends with have been like this. I've told my mom/sister about the people i've been "friends" with, and they are puzzled as to why all the people i've met have acted this way towards me. I'm not an aggressive, pushy, clingy type, so it's not like i'm calling them all the time. I've tried being friends with several people, but it doesn't turn out well. It's true i'm more of a shy/quiet person, but other shy people I know do have a few people they always hang out with and can trust. I always wonder why I have so much trouble with friends. Am I a bad judge of character or something? Is it my aura?

A little more info about me. I still live with my parents, and I just hit my mid 20s. I have a full-time job, but it doesn't pay well, so I don't have enough money to live on my own. I've been looking for another job that pays more, but haven't found one yet. I need to buy special foods/herbs/supplements for myself because I have so many food allergies, which can get expensive. Could living at home be a factor as to why people don't want to really be friends with me?

I'm not trying to brag, but alot of people have said that I am pretty,etc. I've always been told that I am a very stylish person. My sister has said to me that maybe people are sort of intimidated by this. I don't know.

One time, when I was expressing my frustration to my mom about my situation, she was saying that her mom, (my grandmother), also received quite a few compliments on her looks and style. She also never really had any close friends, just people she'd spend time with here and there. With that in mind, I realized that my mom doesn't really spend much time with other people either. She's tried here and there to befriend people, but they don't call her back oftentimes. (FYI:My mom is a shy person, and she isn't really like my grandmother-she doesn't pay attention to fashion, and she's considered average in looks.)

Then my mom said something kind of strange. When I said that I wish I had good friends who I could turn to, besides just my family, she said, "I guess you're needy." I mean, doesn't everyone need both friends AND family to complete a solid support system?? Come on now.

Anyway, I came to some kind of a theory the other day: Could it be that there's a trait/gene that runs in my family on my mom's side that somehow turns people away and makes them not want to be my friend? It sure seems that way sometimes. I feel like i'm cursed or something.

My sister, however, doesn't seem to have inherited this "gene". She's managed to find a few good friends she can depend on. She is as perplexed as I am as to why all these people have acted so badly towards me. She things they are really strange.

It's like each time I think i've found a couple good people, they "turn" on me. I don't get it. I get sort of depressed/down when this happens.

Any thoughts, opinions, perspectives would be appreciated. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2005
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 9:25pm
I don’t think you’re alone at all. I think a lot of “friendships” are shallow. I also think it’s sad and amazing how fast people come in and out of your life. I guess as people and situations change so do their friendships with each other. I know how you feel. I have one really close friend that I’ve know since the 2nd grade.(I'm 21 now) I have a lot of aquanitices but not that many close friends. I guess really good friends can be hard to find sometimes. I’ve found the best way to connect with people is to be more interested in trying to learn about them instead of trying to make them learn about you. I think a lot of people wanted to be understood and when you’re interested in them they can't help but like you. I also think it's a lot of chance. Keep trying and keep yourself open and you’ll make more "friends". If it makes you feel any better, I would be your friend. :)
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 11-13-2005 - 11:14pm

I'm the same way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 1:29pm

Making friends you can count on is not something that happens quickly. You're lucky if you can count true friends on one hand and only have one or two fingers left over. It's not likely that any one person can be the "ideal" friend. It takes patience and time and acceptance. When I look at my list of "true friends" it's quite the mixture of people. Some compliment me and some contrast with me but I've accepted that they are in my life for a reason and as long as each person is doing what they can to contribute to the relationship, I consider these successful friendships. It's not always 50/50, it's not always fair and easy. It's just reaching an understanding (even if it's unspoken) between the two of you that you are going to be there for each other in the best way you know how. It's probably not going to be perfect and you're not going to feel great about it 100% of the time. Your friends are going to be other people and with that comes all of the highs and lows of being human. No, you shouldn't allow anyone to treat you badly or let you carry the entire load all the time, but you can't have impossible expectations either.

I know that's only one person's opinion but I think defining our expectations really helps us open up to new opportunities. You don't have to compromise your beliefs or values to have friends, you just have to be realistic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 9:31pm

Marie,

I have asked questions of people to try to befriend them, but oftentimes, they don't do the same, so the "friendship" only goes so far. One guy I was trying to get closer to thought I "asked too many questions." I certainly didn't think so. So, I don't want to seem to nosy, yet still seem like I'm interested in the person. It can be hard to strike a balance between the two sometimes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 9:37pm

shywon,

I know how you feel. My sister is 20 years old, and she's gone out more than I did at her age. I wish I could turn back the clock a bit. In my case, I wouldn't say my mom didn't teach me how to make friends; she always says that I can talk to people better than she can.

I have a theory though: I think that society today is so fast-paced and always moving, so alot of times, people don't want to take the time to get to know others; they just stay with what is "familiar" and "easy", which means they stay in their little circle of friends and don't really branch out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 9:44pm

lesleylou,

I don't have unrealistic expectations when it comes to friendship. In fact, I think it's nice to be friends with different people for different reasons; it makes a person more "well-rounded". In the past, i have even forgiven people for things they have done to me that haven't been so great--to the point that I have felt taken advantage of or stepped all over. Since then, I have vowed to not be a pushover, which is why my expectations have risen a little.

I wouldn't say my expectations are too high though. I don't dismiss people over some little issue, I accept them as they are, and don't try to change them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2004
Mon, 11-14-2005 - 10:46pm
The sad fact is that, after we become adults, it becomes more and more difficult to make new friends. When we were children, we met friends at school - and usually had a similar lifestyle to our friends. As adults, we become friends for different reasons. We might make friends at work, but there aren't as many to choose from, so the chances of meeting people who we really click with isn't as good. We are also in different stages of our lives. Take me for example: I am 37 years old and single with a 4 year old daughter. Most of the people I know with young children are significantly younger than I am. Often they are married. I become friendly with these people, but don't necessarily feel that we're friends.
I think that the key to finding lasting friendships as an adult is to get involved in activities that interest you. Join a club or a group and become active in this group. Eventually, you will make friends with people who share this interest with you.
Good luck to you. I know that it can be very lonely when you don't have close friends. I certainly understand this need of yours - I'm the same way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 8:39am
I wouldn't say that unrealistic. The tone of this reply is quite different than the original post and the original one is what sparked my response. I hope you can see what I mean.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Tue, 11-15-2005 - 9:25am

No you are not cursed. There must be a reason for what you are experiencing so let's explore a couple of possibilities.

Most people only have one or two profound friendships. The reason: close, deep friendships take time and energy. Every day life of work, family, school, moving, etc takes time and energy so a person has very little left over to dedicate to a friendship. Therefore most of us can't have more than a couple of tight friends in our lives or we would be drained. But that is not to reduce the importance of the casual friend. Casual friends are wonderful people that we can share activities with but that won't be in our lives for long or forever. I have many, many casual friends that I am thrilled I get to see from time to time but whom I can't dedicate a lot of time to. We will catch a show or try a new restaurant, have a perfectly wonderful time catching up, and then not see each other again for 6 months or a year. There is nothing wrong with these friendships. They serve a purpose even though the friendship will never grow into best friend relationship. I know these wonderful people are there for me when I need to cry over a guy that just dumped me or congratulate me over a new promotion. I know they wish the best for me even though they don't want to talk for two hours every Saturday. They are just nice people that are giving me the best friendship they are capable of at this time in their lives. I hope all my casual friends think the same thing of me.

So if you are trying to turn what ought to be a casual friendship into a profound friendship, you may be draining these people and thus they have to avoid you by 'making excuses'.

If you think this is what you might be doing, then I would suggest you start socializing with lots and lots of different people. Join some social clubs to meet people. There are clubs for every interest: ski clubs, biking clubs, book clubs, card game clubs, etc, etc. Meet people, socialize, and then you'll find that one or two of these casual friends end up gravitating to you and before you know it, you'll have the close friendships you've been longing for.

Of course if I'm way off on this, we can explore some other possibilities. The only thing I feel certain about is there is no such thing as a 'curse'. We all have the power to get out of life what we want.

Good luck and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Mon, 12-19-2005 - 3:01pm
Just trying to bump this up. I've been away for so long, and more responses would be appreciated. Thanks!