Am I Just Totally Bananas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Am I Just Totally Bananas?
41
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 6:54pm

Does anyone else ever feel depressed as a direct result of being single, dateless and alone?

Does anyone else feel completely comsumed with finding love, being in love, having someone to love and when you'll be loved again?

Has anyone here ever been in therapy because of this preoccupation with finding love?

Does anyone ever lose sleep at night, having crying bouts, difficulty concentrating or constantly worry about finding love?

Does anyone else have love and companionship on the brain constantly until it overshadows everything you do, think and feel? Do you spot couples everywhere and feel like everyone has someone but you?

Does anyone feel a huge void because of the lack of love in their life? If so, do you attempt to fill it with tons of activities, work, social things and new experiences in the hope of filling it, but the void remains?

Does anyone else feel like they have everything they want in life but love?

Or is this just me?

Am I completely bananas, or what???

(yes I realize I'm asking for all types of grief, but I couldn't keep that in much longer. Be gentle)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2006
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 6:26pm
As for replying, I couldn't NOT reply (sorry for the double negative)! I've been lurking for a while now and I, too, have felt like something is going to just make me explode. Many times I will be driving somewhere and just burst into tears, thinking all those thoughts you mentioned. Most other times, if I find myself smiling or enjoying something, almost immediately I am overwhelmed by the feeling that none of it really matters unless I have someone to share it with. After I graduated nursing school this year and bought my new car, even that turned into sad event. I cried because all I could think was what do I need all this room (it's a small SUV) for? I don't even have anyone to put in it with me! I was engaged this year up until the end of June. It was my decision to break it off because even WITH the beautiful ring, he just didn't seem to get what true committment was and didn't really seem to want to have a partnership with me. My job is taking care of other peoples' sick babies...I am OBSESSED with looking at the ages of each of the moms and get really discouraged when they are younger than me (almost 28) or around my age and seem to have a happy marriage or partnership and a new addition to their family. I absolutely LOVE my job but some days it just serves to remind me that I am still alone and FAR from finding that stability in my life. Anyway, thanks for opening up this discussion...sometimes it helps to just vent. Hope you are having a good Thursday. Take care!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 9:28pm
I have felt all these things and I have gone to counseling. YOu aren't alone by any means and it seems as if a lot of the women on this board feel the exact same way. Counseling does help with these feelings to a certain degree and helps you to feel more positive and have more hope so I would suggest strongly to do that if you think it would help you. Do whatever it takes to make yourself happy. I agree with Tallgirl that we are expected to be strong women who can mask our feelings, have a good career, take care of ourselves financially and emotionally, look nice, put up this perfect image and front to the outside world but what it all boils down to is deep down inside we are all human and we all crave love and affection and need that in our lives even if we don't want to admit it.
I have been wanting to get married seriously since I've been around 22 and now i'm 31 so I look at people's ring fingers in envy as well wondering when it will be my turn. But the reality of the situation is we have to remember that all these people are not necessarily as happy with their SO as we think they are. Some could be but others are not and relationships are never perfect and take work too so we need to remember that sometimes those in relationships will end up arguing with their husband or boyfriend and end up crying and feeling alone too sometimes. Life is just tough however you put it I'm realizing. It has it's wonderful/great moments that are definately worth being here for but it's a lot of consistent challenges and growing. I believe that no one really has it easy, they just put up a front like they do sometimes. When I remember this I remember that I'm not alone in feeling alone. EVERYONE feels alone at certain points and we all lose hope sometimes about finding our husband or man for us and we are all allowed to feel this. I'm echoing Northwestwanderer's question about if you are still with the guy you were seeing for a little while.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 10:08pm

"I'm echoing Northwestwanderer's question about if you are still with the guy you were seeing for a little while."

Well, kinda but probably not for long.

Things there were going great until the last few weeks when he seemed to be pulling away from me quite a bit. When I confronted him about it last week, he admitted to feeling very depressed lately (which he's known to battle off and on) and that he's been pulling away from everything. He did say he still wants to be with me, but while that is what he said, his actions say otherwise. It's difficult because I know what its like to deal with what he is dealing with and I want so much to be by side side and give him the love and support I think he needs right now, at the same time, while I'm researching couneling programs for him and trying to get him help, I'm getting pretty much nothing in return. I feel like I'm more of just a friend to him than a lover right now and I'm not sure where he wants me in his life.

I actually just sent him an email this afternoon explaining how I felt and reiterating that I still want to be apart of his life but I'm not sure of his interest and how involved he wants me to be. I just don't think he can handle even dating at the moment so I don't know. I'm prepared (once again) for it to be the end.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-16-2006 - 11:30pm

I'm sorry to hear that. Dealing with someone who suffers from depression (or who is bipolar--I've dealt with both) is tough. You may want to read "I Don't Want to Talk About It" by Terrance Real, which deals with depression in men and the effect it has on relationships.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 12:46am
I'm sorry to hear this too cl214. I hope things work out for you 2. Is he willing to go get some counseling and take some medication for his depression? I know you've been helping him to find a counselor but sometimes it takes awhile for it to sink in and a person really has to want to do these things for himself.
I'm crossing my fingers for you on this because I can understand how hard that would be to not take things personally when someone is pulling away like that due to depression. My friend and her boyfriend also were going through that for a little bit but he eventually snapped out of it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 5:59am

You have described, word for word, absolutely exactly how I felt when I was single, except perhaps that I didn't even try to fill the void with any activities or hobbies because I knew it would be pointless and won't even begin to help fill in this huge gaping hole. I personally believe that at least 90% of single women over 30 feel exactly the way you do - purely because we are all female, we are all human and we were not put on this Earth to be on our own.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 6:02am


'...I just finished half a bottle of wine and watched Sex inthe City and I feel even worse now'

Again that is E X A C T L Y how I used to feel when single, except for me it was usually at least 1.5 bottles of wine - a half would be a 'warm up'....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 9:03am

Oh and you know what is so damned infuriating about SATC? I don't know how the foursome kept finding all these eligible men? I swear I have a penchant for only crossing paths with men who have little interest in dating, are emotionally closed off and have no ability to love and don't want to be loved. It is always the exact same thing; we meet, they are interested, sometimes even crazy about me, things progress, I begin to really dig them, they aren't interested anymore. They stop calling and move on. Their interest is always gone in a matter of weeks, never to return again. Why?!

I know I am just as cute, funny and interesting as those SATC chicks, yet I can't buy a guy's interest, let alone get into a relationship.

Ok, rant over.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 9:06am

He's been in couneling and onmeds before and they helped but he's trying to work on this on his own for now. I did send him the resources I found in the email just for his reference and am willing to do whatever I can to support him, its just hard to decipher if his pullig away really is his depression or if he's just lost interest. I'm so used to men losing interest that its hard for me to put full blame on depression.

I'd think having a 'wonderful' woman who deeply cares by your side would be an asset but like Sheri pointed out, men's mind's obviously work very differently and maybe my presence isn't helpful to him right now. I hope he lets me know.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 10:10am

Read the book--it'll help, I think. And it's counter-intuitive but when you're depressed, people (of both genders, not just men) tend to withdraw rather than lean towards those who want to help.

Sheri