Am I Just Totally Bananas?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Am I Just Totally Bananas?
41
Wed, 11-15-2006 - 6:54pm

Does anyone else ever feel depressed as a direct result of being single, dateless and alone?

Does anyone else feel completely comsumed with finding love, being in love, having someone to love and when you'll be loved again?

Has anyone here ever been in therapy because of this preoccupation with finding love?

Does anyone ever lose sleep at night, having crying bouts, difficulty concentrating or constantly worry about finding love?

Does anyone else have love and companionship on the brain constantly until it overshadows everything you do, think and feel? Do you spot couples everywhere and feel like everyone has someone but you?

Does anyone feel a huge void because of the lack of love in their life? If so, do you attempt to fill it with tons of activities, work, social things and new experiences in the hope of filling it, but the void remains?

Does anyone else feel like they have everything they want in life but love?

Or is this just me?

Am I completely bananas, or what???

(yes I realize I'm asking for all types of grief, but I couldn't keep that in much longer. Be gentle)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 11:50am

Not in my experience. In my experience men who have depression and find themselves with women who they are very sadly not very much into find their depression a perfect excuse to withdraw, to utter the famous 'I care a lot but I am very depressed and can't face a r-ship', and eventually dissapear; sometime later you find out that this massively depressed man is, whilst still being depressed, quite happily dating a woman he IS very much into. That is my experience.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 11:57am

Ok, now you're opening up a new convo. but I have been there.

I can't tell you how many guys I've run into who tell me for whatever reason they just aren't ready for a relationship, only to run into them mere months later and they ARE in a relationship and appear crazy about their new chick. Happens all the time.

In the email I sent, I said to him, sometimes we keep people around because we don't want to lose that option, though we have no real interest in that person. I think this is the case, but if I'm wrong, please let me know. I just don't want to feel like I'm just an option for when he is bored.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 12:48am

I'm sure there are people use "depression" as an excuse but I'm talking about clinically depressed people who've actually been diagnosed. Many withdraw from ALL people in their lives--family as well as friends.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 2:40pm
I wouldn't write an email like that to him because it could put ideas in his head, maybe he is really depressed and just needs time or maybe he's going through a phase in which he's uncertain about the 2 of you but like another board I'm on mentions, this phase will pass and they will come back to you and the relationship will get stronger. I'm not saying that this is for sure the case but I know you shouldn't put ideas in his head about you being an "option" but not the right option. I think that men do appreciate that you are there for them during this difficult time and depression but if you offer your sympathy and support and they still say that they are ok with out it, don't push the issue. Tell them that you are there for them when they decide to come back and that you suggest that they go see a counselor but you can only be there so much for them and that they need to take the time to snap out of it on their own. It's the only thing you can do really. I'm sorry you are going through this but all I can say is only time will tell. My friend's boyfriend snapped out of his depression and came back to her and sometimes they never come back. It's hard waiting I know but you must take care of yourself during this time and figure out what's best for you. You need to take a step back too if he's saying he needs his space even if you don't want too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 4:31pm
Just wondering. I know you've said that you keep meeting men who are so gung ho in the beginning and then just seem to disappear later only to find someone new. Do you happen to see any red flags or indications in the beginnings of the relationships that might let you know that the person you're becoming involved with might be emotionally unavailable. Sometimes those signs are there in the beginning but because we are so into the person we fail to really see these red flags and see the person for who they really are. Sometimes we can also tell when they really aren't that into us or keeping us at bay right from the get go. I'm not saying this to accuse you in any way of overlooking things or maybe those things aren't apparent at all in the beginning and these guys just take off for whatever reason. I'm making this comment just to help you out some and maybe help you to see patterns that might be there or things that you may have overlooked before so you can protect yourself before you get too close to these men.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 11:18am

Well we talked again on Friday and he reiterated again that he is still interested in seein gme, he just needed some time for himself to get things better for him. We did end up getting together Saturday evening, he's been calling more and we may get together for Thanksgiving.

So I'm going to try my best not to panic and keep on doing what I have been doing and that is focusing on my own pursuits. Easier said than done, I know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 11:22am

There appears to be 2 things that happens in these situations, 1) is the guy seems to like me but there are red flags that I choose to ignore but I'm digging him that much and want to see where things go or 2) they act gung-ho, even telling me they are crazy about me only to change their minds weeks later.

In the situation I am in now, I wasn't even crazy about this guy for awhile. I was even seeing someone else the first couple of months. I had it in my mind that he wasn't right, not reltionship material and that if it lasted through the summer, cool! But things went sour with the other guy and the more time I spend with AK, the more I began to like him, see more qualities I find endearing and adorable and I gradually became more attached. The we became exclusive and though we kinda agreed to just enjoy each other and not worry too much about what will happen, its hard to just live for the moment when you grow to really care for a person.

So my biggest problem is I'm always eager to get involved and the only way I've found toprevent getting emotionally attached is to stop dating completely. Any guy I date for any period of time, I grow attached to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 1:08pm
It is really tough to use your mind and not your heart sometimes when you are dating but I find sometimes in the early stages you have to keep very alert and protective even if you become emotionally attached. I believe if you see red flags or things about the man that indicate he's not relationship material then LISTEN, no matter how hard it is. From my experience those red flags that I ignored in the beginning just intensified later and I got even more hurt the more emotionally attached to someone I got.
If you are having doubts then listen to those doubts, pay attention and tread carefully and if you see things that are deal breakers that you know you won't be able to handle, leave the situation before you get too deep into it so you can leave yourself open and available to the right one. If I were you I would make a list of must haves, deal breakers and negotiables in finding a partner and keep those things in mind when you are looking for someone. You don't have to follow it to a T but you should keep these things in mind always and keep asking yourself if this is the kind of person YOU see yourself with for long term. Never mind what they are thinking about you. The most important thing is if this person is making you happy and you always have a choice to walk away. They don't necessarily have to be the ones to walk away first. NO one is perfect but the thing is if you can handle each others issues and if you connect on a good level. If you can't handle someone's issues then it's probably not worth pursuing. Ask yourself this about the guy you are seeing now. What are his flaws and can I handle these flaws or will I just not be happy with them. Because if you know you won't be happy with these things then it's probably best if you walk away from the situation regardless of what he is thinking. Hugs, it's hard but from past experience (and I've had more than a handful) I've learned to balance my heart with my head and listen carefully to what my gut is telling me and don't ignore any of it, heart head or gut.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 1:27pm

Hi there!

I so agree with biochic2004. Many women ignore the red flags because they think men will change. It actually gets worse the deeper you get in. The one who gets hurt is you. The most painful experience I've had was when I dated a guy whom I knew was completely wrong for me. But I dated him anyway because I like his personality and I kept telling myself that that nagging feeling of, he's all wrong for you is just a nagging feeling. A feeling of fear. I didn't listen to it. Turns out that feeling was completely right and I was so hurt that I didn't listen to myself sooner and end it rather than waiting years and getting too deep with the guy.

I wouldn't get too wrapped up in a guy who's not relationship material. It's not worth it. Believe me, they don't change for you either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 1:53pm
You are right, these men don't change because if they don't want to change for themselves they certainly won't change for you and especially once they get past a certain age. I've been there done that in trying to reform/change guys and it's gotten me nowhere but heartache, disappointment and wasted energy. You really have to see what's in front of you and be able to accept the person for who they are, flaws and all, knowing that they most likely won't change. I tried to change guys who were emotionally unavailable to become more kind and caring, forget it. They were raised that way, they were programmed to be that way and unfortunately without years of counseling and a real desire to change, these men will always be distant and emotionally unavailable. Cl214, you might want to look for men who just have a kind, caring nature because that's how they were brought up to be by their parents. I'm dating a man right now who is so caring and nurturing that it can be overkill sometimes but I definately would rather have it that way because I know how he feels about me, I know he thinks the world of me and I always feel safe and secure when I'm around him. Sure he doesn't make a lot of money and he probably could have done better for himself career-wise but he is responsible with his money, He takes care of himself just fine. He definately isn't perfect but I think he's a good match for me and I feel safe and at peace with him and like him a lot. I decided that the most important things for me in looking for a partner, is consistency, caring/kindness, someone who is really into me and lets me know how special I am to them and appreciates me. Of course there are other things, but how that person relates to me and connects to me is one of the most important things.