Am I missing something here?
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Am I missing something here?
| Thu, 05-31-2007 - 12:08am |
One of my old friends posted something similar on his web page.
Am I missing something here? Family? Marriage? Kids? Religion?
I feel empty. Granted, I (Michelle speaking here) have no religious beliefs. I'm a confirmed atheist, although I don't mind and accept if others have beliefs. Hey - whatever works for you, you know?
But I feel like I have this gaping hole in my soul. And I can't quite put my finger on what it is. Is it marriage? I dunno. I've never been much for the idea of marriage. Kids? Uh - I don't know about that either. I sort of like my free time and disposable salary.
What IS this gaping hole? I wish I could figure it out.
/edited because I've had one too many margaritas tonight!!
Edited 5/31/2007 12:10 am ET by emdeesea

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Hey I knocked off a whole bottle of wine (and whine LOL)... Thank god my gal pal came over to help me process my sad sack-ness of aloneness.
I don't think it is a matter of being "bad" or "good" but being authentic and genuine. In order to be all that then we need to show our shadow self (a la Carl Jung). I trust people more when they are like that.
Mark
I think most people experience this at one time or another. For some, the answer is "finding religion." For others, it's connecting with people more. For others, it's finding fulfilling work and making a difference in the world. (For me, I just realized that I need to feel valued -- relationships and work).
In your case, from what I know of you from your posts, it could be that you have so much going on with work and school that you haven't had the time to enjoy the things you're passionate about. If you feel like you're running from place to place and never have time to sit and just be, you may not even have time to think about what makes you passionate. (I say this because I've been there - so I'm just speculating in your case).
It does sound like you're passionate about your degree and the work you hope to do - so that may bring some fulfillment. Also, I say make some time now - even if it's just 15 minutes a day - to sit quietly, relax and clear your mind. In those moments, you may be able to hone in on "what's missing" for you.
Just one thought. :)
AJ, enjoying life with C.
I have read some of your post now tall girl . .. smart ladie. (-: 6' 3" by the way . . .LOL
Belief . . .. you have to have some core values. The first post started with things he did not believe in . . . the gaping hole thing got me. Start with what you do believe in . . . then build on it. (-:
I also am an atheist . . but have strong core beliefs and values. And like Tall girl derive a lot of satisfaction from work and relationships. Not just romantic . .. some of my friendships are extremely important to me, and assist in . . . . validating me . . .not sure that is exactly right, but kind of. They just have a way of reminding me that they are not just important to me . . .but me to them as well.
And last . .. when times are slow, I have found just getting out here on the computer and talking to people is quite therapeutic. I have several good "friends" now who I have never met or spoken to. But we talk about all kinds of things together. It seems to help sometimes. In a "real conversation" . . .the words have to come "to fast". ((-: In order to get a thought down in writing . .. you have to think it all the way through. I am a poor writer, but it sure helps me to think about things as I write, I think more . . .. and in doing so find perspective, clarity . ..
Tall Girl is correct in her assessment that I am so flippin busy and rushing from here to there and everywhere that my life has become chaotic. I am lacking peace and that's part of that gaping hole.
But another aspect perhaps is something else... I mentioned marriage and children. I'm not *against* the idea of either one - but, I'm old enough to know that it doesn't solve problems or make life "better" or whatever. With children it's the same thing. I know that idea in my head is only the idealized fantasy - which life rarely ever lives up to.
This is probably a little to much information . . . but . .. I just lost a job, and am starting over someplace new . .. a minor 80K loss of income. Chapter 7 for sure. That job . . .I had the whole state of Florida . . .5 years working 7 days a week, living in hotels . . . I lost the "balance" in my life.
So . . .now the money will be hard for a year or so . . .lost my credit rating . . but one of my "core beliefs" . . .opportunity exist in everything. (-: I am also out from under a mountain of debt I left my marriage with. I get to sleep in my bed every night again now. (((-: I love to cook, and I get to do that again. And what I think is most important . .. an opportunity to get a good circle of friends put back together . .. hopefully find a healthy relationship . .. one that has hope of surviving because I wont be traveling all the time now.
I have 3 kids . . . youngest is 19. The first few years . . . you cant leave a baby long enough to take a shower . .. every second of ever day is about them. I love my kids, they are the best thing in my life for sure . .. but I had to do it in a very unhealthy and unhappy marriage . .trust me . .. doing something that hard in an already unhappy environment creates more of that lonely "missing feeling".
What you are looking for is in you .. .and about you. You want to find it before the kids part. (-: And truth is . . .it is simple stuff. Took me a while to see that. "Core values" to me are not grand sweeping spiritual things . .. they are the simple things in your own life. Like the way I see opportunity in everything . .. I get down .. . but I start looking at things searching for positive outcomes that are possible . . .then . . seeing that . .I can plan steps to move things in a positive direction. Small . .day to day steps, thoughts . . .
When I first got out of the Marine Corp I went through a period of searching. I felt I did not "fit" in the normal world. It was in that general time I gave up any believe in god . . .I was raised around the church . . .so in a way I had to find my "own moral compass" . .. starts with that "missing something" feeling . .. .and for me at least . .. my discovery was something very very simple. A mirror. I look my self in the eye every morning and ask what I think of myself, my actions the previous day. Am I ashamed of anything? If so what can I do to improve it? What did I do well? How can I do more of it? It to this day is a morning routine for me. ((-:
Anyway . . .just wanted to let you know I understand that feeling of life moving to fast . .. it gets a little "heavy" at times. (-: Sounds to me like you just have to survive for a while . . school right? And then the school being finished becomes part of the solution, not the problem any more. (-: Hang in there . . it gets better. (-:
I admire your positive attitude. What a great role model for your children. I wish you well on your journey. I too have been out of work (4 yrs) and had to start over again from scratch. I too have children that I see as my greatest blessings in my life. I tell people my spiritual journey is driven by desperation from my life's circumstances.
Best,
Mark
Thanks . .. it is sad and a little embarrassing to find myself where I am at my age . .. . ok said . .. (-: Saying another word fixes nothing. (-: See, that is the secrete to life . . focus on the things that fix problems . .. the rest follows in due cores. I have a job . . . I am just making that much LESS at the moment . . . sales . . . they don't hand you the money . . .you have to build the territory and earn it. (-:
It is helpful to be reminded how many people, men and woman have gone through this stuff, most like me after devoice at some point . . . keeps the perspective light and healthy.
Thanks for the words of encouragement. (-;
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