Am I over-reacting?
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| Thu, 08-09-2007 - 11:08am |
I'm currently involved (or WAS, as I am thinking of ending it) in a long distance relationship. In the past year, my parents separated, divorced, and my mom has moved overseas.
She came back to visit unexpectedly a few weeks ago to tie up some loose ends. I told my 'BF' this. He suggested I tell her to stay at her brother's because I had a 'friend' visiting in town. I told him that wasn't going to happen, at the end of the night my mom will come stay with me.. he kept insisting and I got angry.
Then he said he was joking.. and I found myself even angrier, since he clearly showed lack of consideration and remorse for his actions. How can one make a private and difficult family situation into a joke? This is an obvious sign of lack of maturity on his part right??
He knows how hard this divorce is on my parents, on myself and my brother. He knows my mom needs me for support, so I really can't understand why he would be so selfish as to suggest I kick her out just because he wanted to come over and be alone with me.
So, he's visiting and acting as if nothing is wrong. I really don't want to see him.
Sometimes I wonder, am I over-reacting?

Did you tell him how upset it made you? Was he still inconsiderate about it after you said something?
If so, no you weren't overreacting. I think respecting family issues, and supporting your partner when they are facing difficult family moments, is important. If it's a guy you would like to keep around, I think you need to communicate how angry his actions made you and then see if it happens again.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
He knows how upset I was after I talked to him, that's when he tried to cover himself (i'm assuming) by suggesting it was all a joke. That's when I got even more upset. How can a private family matter be a joke!
This isn't the first time he's tried to 'dictate' how I allocate my time to my family. He got all upset when I decided to visit my grandparents (who I haven't seen in 10 years) instead of spending a week with him (when I already had spent a week with him!). Or when I took a day off to hang out with a visiting relative (also, i haven't seen her in approx. 5 years), I invited him to join along but he wanted to be "alone". we can both have a good time with my cousin, but he rather be alone for some 'intimacy'
I am beginning to see how selfish he is, and have decided not to see him when he comes for a visit..
Trying to dictate how you spend your time is a huge red flag for me - that's very controlling behavior. When someone won't even allow you to have family time, he may be the type to also try to control your friendships and free time to yourself as well.
I think you are wise to be cautious and set boundaries, and it sounds like you may be rethinking this guy altogether - did I read that right?
Your instincts sound good to me.
AJ, enjoying life with C.
This does not excuse his behavior... But I have learned that guys will say something incredibly ignorant from time to time. When they realize they screwed up, it is much easier to say "I was just joking" instead of getting into an arguement, escpecially when they know they were wrong.
I would talk to him and tell him how his comment hurt you. My experience has been that guys really are clueless. And they need to be told how things affect you. I know when I have done this, they are very unlikely to do it again. If he does not care, then yes, you have a reason to be mad.
Plus, I am sure he is only thinking of himself at the moment, and wants to be near you which is precious to him. Does it make him a bad guy, no. Just human.
Talk to him.