Am i overthinking or is he Freeloading?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Am i overthinking or is he Freeloading?
11
Tue, 01-01-2013 - 11:16pm

I have been talking to this guy for 2 months now. He told me right away that he made some mistakes and had to do some jail time but now he's working towards getting his life back together and becoming a better person. So far, so good. He has been working doing jobs for a friend and he just recently stared working a second job for a restaurant. One job he gets paid under the table so the pay is large but unpredictable. Now, i have 2 issues. The 1st is that the last time he came over to my place, he brought over some beer for me. When he left, he went into my fridge and took the remaining beers home with him. Huh? The 2nd was yesterday night when he invited me over for new years eve. He was supposed to join me and some friends but then he called to say that he was still broke and felt too bad to go out without money so he rather stay in. When i was ready to head to his place, he texted me and asked if i could pick up "some booze" on my way over (which i didn't do because i'm broke myself). I don't get how he felt bad not wanting to go out without money yet he didn't feel bad asking a single mom that he's been talking to for a few weeks to bring him booze. I like him but when he did those 2 things, i felt like it was kinda weird. I know that he's still working towards getting back on his feet because he was locked up not too long ago so i'm wondering if i should just be more understanding and wait to see if things improve or if he's just freeloading. Does anyone else find this strange... What do you think about his actions?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Mon, 01-14-2013 - 7:13pm

Then in my opinion he should not be dating if he can not afford to date! He is a cheapskate when he makes suggestions and expects me to pay for it. Why not just keep his mouth shut? He has suggested once that we go back to my place, rent a movie, cuddle and relax. Me thinking that he opted for this because he is low on cash yet still wants to enjoy time with me responds with a "Yes". Then when we get to the movie rental box, he helps me to pick a movie then looks to me to pay. This just moments after he takes me to a drive through to get me lunch and looks to me to pay. Suppose i didn't have any money on me at all! Just wrong!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Sun, 01-06-2013 - 5:43pm

I don't know as I'd say he's a cheapskate.  I dated a guy last year who was just poor.  I have very limited funds myself for pure fun and recreation.  I have no problem with a movie nite in and dinner cooked at home (and he really could cook! YUM)  But he had no  motivation to further himself.  It's not all about going out and dressing to the 9's.(and having HIM pay all the time)   I did give him a few months to do ANYTHING that would show some gumption but I finally realized that it didn't matter how nice he was, or how well he cooked or how good he was in bed...I couldn't support BOTH of us.  It was basic, daily needs...   Had he shown any move toward postive income..alas, no dice.

He's still in the same situation and I am really glad I got out when I did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Sun, 01-06-2013 - 11:19am

Jt, thanks for your late yet very helpful response. My thinking exactly... I guess he sees the kindness in me. But at the same time, when it comes to providing for my child i become very defensive and protective. I don't think he was expecting that i would have ignored him when he asked. i should have ignored him started when he turned to me to help pay for my lunch at mcdonald's on our second date and when he suggested wo go to my place and rent a movie and then looked to me to pay. Cheepskate!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Sun, 01-06-2013 - 11:11am

So are you guys saying that i should just move on completely or keep this guy around until her proves himself? And if the answer is the latter, how do i express this to him that i think he should wait until he has some mula to date me?

Cfk, i went ahead and made the comment that you suggested after he texted me a few days after new years asking me if everything was ok and if him asking to bring him booze made me upset at him. I told him that i would have brought the drinks only if he planned to reimburse me and he said he didn't have any money to pay me back for the booze or if he did he would have not asked me to buy some for him. So that answers that and doesn't make the situation better.

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Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 3:20pm

  What about being straight with him?  You do not have a lot of disposable income nor does he.  So it is not the same if both were rolling in dough.  Just tell him that you can't afford it.  Instead of buying a six pack a couple of 24 oz can will do.  That way there won't be extra bottles.  No it does not sound like free loading.  It is strange that when women are with out they seem to see it as their right to take back unused beer etc.  Double standard anyone?

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2007
Sat, 01-05-2013 - 4:14am
Late response, but looks everyone had covered it all. Keep on moving until he shows he is putting in the proper effort. I was just thinking as I read ur post, how weird the world can be. In case as well a few others, a lady is putting the effort while the Guy is freeloading .. then u have men looking for great women and end up with women doing the same... and yet some how its so hard for the proper two to meet. That sucks!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-10-2012
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 7:36pm

Ditto what JT said...

Keep on keeping on.  

You don't need this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
Thu, 01-03-2013 - 10:38am

You've already come to a good decision to continue to see others, so I'm chiming in late. One thing I noticed in your post is a lot of focus on alcohol for him. He's either bringing it and taking it or asking you to buy it. Unless he's 20 and in a fraternity, this is a very bad sign for a grown man trying to date a woman to be so preoccupied with getting booze first. Probably a bit of an alcohol problem brewing too.


At least that beer money can be going towards a movie ticket and some M&M's from him, or a trip to the local park with some sandwiches depending on the current weather. Both low cost, but it shows effort in thinking about you. I have a feeling the more you would see this guy, the more your finances will be drained and he may view women as being responsible for taking care of him.


The second part is that you're a single mom struggling with finances, where is his understanding about that? I don't see any.

 

You're definitely not overthinking this, your thinking and awareness are great.

He sounds like he needs to get his priorities straight before dating you, being too understanding on your part can turn into a bad one-sided thing of him taking advantage and expecting it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2006
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 7:45pm

Music, i totally feel you on that one! I am a single mom struggling myself and while i'm not looking for anyone to take care of me, I don't need the extra added burden of someone who wants me to buy stuff for them. Alcohol is not even a necessity for him to be asking me to bring some over for him and his boy. Yes, his boy visited him and he wanted me to bring liquor for all of us. Wow! I also didn't mention that we have only been on 2 dates where he actually took me out and the second date, i paid for some of the food and the movie that we rented. I don't mind helping out a struggling bf but i find it strange that i don't even really know this guy and he's acting as if we're a long time couple. I can barely make ends meet myself and i don't get how any person could be asking a single mom to buy them anything or pay for anything. CFK... I was already out with my friends at the time he texted me asking to bring booze when i came over and so i ignored his question and continued partying the night away with the girls. Your answer would have definately been a good response at the time lol. He's a sweetheart and the sex was decent but i think i'll let him be and continue seeing other guys as i have been. And if he really wants to be with me then the proof will be in the pudding and when he gets paid then he can court me like a man should. In my opinion, i don't get how a man can even be dating and be broke. How are you going to take a woman out and show her that you want her with no money lol?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Wed, 01-02-2013 - 11:26am

As far as his job status, my thought on that is, if it doesn't annoy you, then don't worry about it.  If it annoys you now, that sentiment will only be amplified a few months down the road.

I don't know what Emily Post would say about his taking the leftover beer, but l don't think it's a very good look. 

If it had been me, when he asked for the "booze" ha-ha, I may have replied with:  "Well, I'm short on funds right now, but if you can reimburse me when I get there, I can do that for you, sure."

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