Am I too romantic?
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| Wed, 07-19-2006 - 4:59pm |
So in my constant quest for relationship answers, I thought I'd pose another question. I have always had kind of a belief that if you really love someone, sort of some type of emotional or physical abuse, you stay with them no matter what, you forgive them no matter what and do not just move easily on to the next person. The only man I've ever loved and who I thought loved me devestated me, b/c when I needed time to take a break and see other people, he basically said "screw you" and moved on. I know many say that they would do the same in his position...but to me, if you really love someone, you give them the time they need to figure out their sh*t. To me, if you really love someone, you don't let your pride or your ego take the place of being with them b/c you miss them too much. If you really love them, you recognize that not all people realize who the "one" is for them at the exact same time their SO figures it and one of you may need more time than you or may need to date more people to figure it out. (Hence the popular saying "if you truly love someone let them go, and if they are really yours they will come back to you" seems based on tht whole idea) Don't get me wrong--I'm not saying my ex should have taken me back automatically--I think I should have had to prove I wouldn't do it again and earned his trust, but I also believe if he really loved me, he would talk about it with me and give me a chance to earn back that trust.
I also believe if you true love is very rare--that if you truly loves someone they are one of the people that you can imagine spending your life with and want to be with. That even if they leave you, if you truly love them, you still think of them often and that makes you happy--that you miss them in your lives and don't just find it easy to move on and marry someone else. I still miss my ex after 5 years, and I still can't imagine being with anyone else since to me, he was my soul mate. I feel if he loved me, he'd have felt the same way and wouldn't have been able to be with someone else. Yet everyone else in this world seems to move on and find someone else they love very quickly--within a year or two.
Many people have of course told me I'm just too "romantic" and that's what i'm looking for isn't realistic--but if it isn't realistic why does the idea of this type of love pervade society? People must at some level believe in or want this type of love since it is this type of love that fills movies, fairy tales and romance novels. Also people commonly talk of finding the "one" or their SO being the "one". We all search for the "one" person we say we love more than anyone else--and we all want to be made to feel like the "one" by our SO. During wedding vows we pledge to love only one another till death do us part. And occasionally you hear of this type of love--people who couldn't forget each other no matter how much time passed or what happened between them (Charles and Camilla is a good example). So if its really unrealistic to think that way, why is it so pervasive in society and in our dialogue of love? Seems like everyone wants this type of love, but fails to practice it in reality.
I'd really like to think someday I'd find someone who doesn't want to live without me--who finds me so special he can forgive me my wrongs b/c the alternative--being without me, is too awful. Who doesn't find it easy to fall in love with someone else. Who cares about my happiness more than his own. Who, even if something happened to tear us apart, would think of me for years, and jump at the chance to get back together if we were ever in contact again. I know i certainly feel that way about my ex (I would do anything to be with him and even after all this time can't imagine being wtih anyone else)--so its possible for at least one person to feel this way. So am I the only one??? Am I just too romantic to expect/want someone to feel this way about me? Does this love not exist? That they will keep coming back to me and giving me chances, forgiving me (short of evidence I have actual malicious motives) simply because they can't see themselves with anyone else? Does this type of love exist or is it really just a fairy tale? Is it really just unrealistic to expect to find someone who loves me so much they will want to be with me and not anyone else no matter what happens?

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I think it's unrealistic to expect that love is enough.
Ok, Not to be so blunt here, but you sound sooo selfish. How dare you think someone is going to wait around for you to make up your mind whether or not you want to be with them? You sound like my selfish, immature ex husband. He wanted a divorce so that he could date other women. He wasn't sure if he was in love with me and wanted to see if the grass was greener on the other side. Of course I was devastated and blown away but gave him the divorce. Well, through the help of friends and family, I got through it and moved on with my life.
Months later, my ex, of course wanted to come back. Apparently the grass wasn't greener as he had thought. Even though I still loved him and really wasn't dating anyone seriously, there was no way I was letting that man back into my life after he nearly destroyed me, my confidence, self esteem, everything! Yes, I loved him but I no longer trusted him. I didn't want to set myself up for the pain again. He of course, couldn't understand why I wouldn't accept him back. He thought like you, "love conquers all, I thought you loved me, you never really loved me at all." See, he was only thinking about himself, just as you are only thinking about yourself.
It's unrealistic that someone is willing to wait around for someone who's walked away from them. If a man/woman is willing to do that, they sound a bit pathetic to me. I think you really need to grow up and stop thinking about yourself. After all, you walked away, that's the price/gamble you pay when you choose to walk away. Sometimes people will walk away from relationships to see if the other half will chase them and prove their love. That sometimes backfires on a lot of people as well. I hope you see where we're getting at with this. It's not about YOU and it's not about love conqures all. Sometimes love just aint enough.
Edited 7/20/2006 1:40 pm ET by luvmycurves
Isn't is just as selifsh to blame HIM for your "loss of self-esteem, confidence, everything!"? After all, only you can be responsible for those things. . . Fact is, everyone is selfish in this world and everyone does selfish things...that's why to me TRUE love is forgiving the selfish act of another (as long as its not a repeated habit) and giving them another chance. Mistakes (again not repeated ones but one time mistakes) should be forgiven. It doesn't blame them or hold it against them forever.
I don't think what he did was right, he WAS selfish/immature when he choose to fulfill his desire to explore other people. But evidently he realized it was wrong and a grave mistake. But as long as he was really sincerely sorry, sincerely interested in proving his commitment to you & you loved him--why not forgive him??? Everyone makes mistakes at times--and just because he did it once DOES NOT mean he will do it again. After all, I think some of the biggest lessons we learn are from things we do wrong once and realize are awful (whether it be cheating, drugs, getting caught in a lie, whatever). In fact, since he realized his mistake he may have been even more committed to you in the future than anyone else would be. I'd rather have a person have their doubts and explore them and THEN come back to me, then force them to stay with me b/c they knew if they ever wanted a break that'd be the end. Like the saying goes "if you truly love somone, set them free and if they are yours, they'll come back to you in the end." I think everyone has doubts and if more people were honest about this while dating and took time to really explore others before committing to one person there would be a lot less divorce.
Furthermore, I just get so sick of people judging others for THEIR mistakes when not looking at their own. To me, not forgiving him is just as selfish--b/c its protecting yourself and your hurt at the expenses of the relationship and punishing him not being able to give you his all during a certain period of time. To me true love is forgiving such mistakes and giving second chances (again as long as they are not repeated mistakes).
twoscoops, you responded the way I would've.
To riskitgirl, I did forgive my ex. In fact, I even pray that he finds peace in his life. I still love him to this day but for him to stand before God in front of our family and friends and pledge his undying love for me until death do us part only to turn around 3 years later to say I'm not sure I love you anymore; you've got to admit that that's mind blowing and humiliating to say the least.
The trust went out the door and I could not take a chance with my heart again. It's like the old saying goes: Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.
Anyway, I'm a firm believer that when someone walks out on you to date other people, they're not confident in your relationship and really doesn't love you in the first place. My ex is a selfish man and I really doubt he realizes what he does wrong or who he hurts to make himself happy. I hope you understand, that sometimes, what you reap is what you sow.
I understand what you reap is what you sow. I also understand (maybe b.c I have felt this way myself) that leaving to see other people, or having doubts DOES NOT NECESSARILY mean you don't love that person. You say you love your husband but can't be with him. so why can't you accept he may have loved you but needed some time apart? I recognize that I may love someone but need some time to deal with my own issues or have some freedom--maybe even if to clarify my feelings. Saying "if you leave me, you don't love me" is just as dogmatic and presupposes everyone is exactly like you. I really do believe that if you LOVE someone you accept they may not think exactly like you and are open to hearing their reasoning. In fact, the fact that you keep focusing on YOUR self-esteem issues and YOUR humiliation over what he did only proves that he wasn't the only selfish one--you obviously had no thought or concern as to why he might have needed to do what he did or make any attempt to understand it, you simply were too hurt by his actions to even consider what he NEEDED or WHY he might NEED it. Similarly, I really believe if my ex really loved me, he would have at least been open to hearing my reasons for why I acted as I did before coming to any decisions. To me, that's what TRUE love is really about--considering the other persons needs equally if not higher than my own. (As an aside I do practice what I preach and really belive in this. For instance, I've never been cheated on, but if I was, I wouldn't automaticaly say "you cheated, you're gone"...I'd listen to WHY they cheated and try to understand and THEN decide if I thought it was workable.)
I guess if anything, these posts just illustrates people think differently. It just makes me sad that more people don't feel that if you really love someone, they should listen to them, try to understand where THEY are coming from and be open minded before making dogmatic rules like "if you leave me you don't love me." Just because YOU feel that way does not mean that held true FOR him. And that's all I really expected if my ex really loved me--to not just apply his own rules based on his own views, but to realize I may have different views and be understanding that those views or actions did not mean I didn't love him, just because him taking those actions would have meant that for HIM. I guess I'll be much happier when I find someone who believes the same way I do and is ready to listen and give second chances rather than apply dogmatic rules.
Edited 7/20/2006 3:48 pm ET by riskitgirl
What makes you think I didn't listen to him? I listened and I thought about it and I deceided that I didn't want to look back. Besides, that wasn't the only hurdle that I went through with my ex. I DID stay with him through thick and through thin, but sometimes you just gotta draw the line. There were things that I put up with from my ex husband that I should'nt have put up with. So when he left to explore his options, I felt I deserved it for putting up with so much of his mess. But you know what? No one deserves to be treated badly or walked all over. There's a time when you say, enough is enough, life goes on and there are others who will treat me better.
From what I gather about you, you didn't find what you wanted out there and now you're bitter because your ex has moved on. I don't mean to sound mean-spirited but welcome to the real world. These things happen in life. I moved on and my ex painted me the bad guy because I wanted nothing else to do with him anymore. I didn't stop loving him, when it's true love, it'll always be there, but I didn't want to be with him anymore. Maybe your ex feels the same way?
I think this type of thinking pervades because we watch too many movies and read too many romance novels and are brought up reading fairy tales.
There IS no such thing as "soul mates." There IS no such thing as "THE ONE." Once you figure that out, the rest is easy.
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