.........and he's BACK!! lol

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
.........and he's BACK!! lol
13
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 8:46am

Hi Everyone,

Not sure what kind of weather you're experiencing but is sure is COLD here.........!! Bundle up!! lol

I'd posted before Christmas about a guy I'd met at a bar (brief synopsis):

-he is 44, never been married

-met him at a bar - we both had been drinking (him much more so) - he wanted to come to my place and I said no

-we ended up going out on a couple of dates (low key) - coffee, then out somewhere else on a Friday - he kissed me

-when I followed up with him a few days later and asked if he wanted to come by for pizza, his response was "Sorry Mel. I am busy for the next few days.  Keep in touch."

At the time (when I received his response) I was in getting my car worked on - had been a bad day.  I did respond to him - I said "Hmm.....guess that's a friendly brush off, huh?? :)".  Honestly, I thought he was a decent guy and I would have rather asked and got a response then just be left wondering if I should ever contact him......I did not get a response.  I have not contacted him since then.

Fast forward to this week-end.......I was at the neighbourhood pub hanging out........I had had a few, but he showed up, clearly quite drunk.  As soon as he saw me he smiled and we chatted for a bit.  He told me that he really liked me - I responded that I really liked him too.  I basically asked him what happened and he said that when he got my text back inquiring if it was a brush off, he thought I was really insecure.  I admitted to this - aren't we all insecure dating after 35 and having no idea what may be going on with the other person.......??

Anyhow........I did end up kissing him when we were outside (we were in private)........at one point when we were chatting I think he was trying to write down his number again or something (unsuccessfully).  He did ask me to come over to his place that night and I refused (been there, done that with the one night stands - no more).  He said that he liked my moral stance I guess........I was chatting with some other people later and I noticed he had left.

At one point when we were talking I thought - this is guy is no great shakes - why am I getting all worked up over him? I guess he just seemed nice and down to Earth.....although he does seem to have some hang ups (he was asking me incessantly last night if I had kids, as he did the night I first met him - it kind of sounded like he didn't believe me).

Anyhow, when this happened initially I deleted all of his messages and his number.......unfortunately my phone will pretty much save any number that you've sent a text to......I was tempted to text him yesterday to ask him how he was feeling and maybe get the communication going again but why.......?? Ultimately didn't see the point......I feel like I am always pursuing him, and likely he does like me, but only wants something casual.  He seems pretty into his boozing/casual lifestyle.

Hmm!! Why can't these guys just GO AWAY? lol

Mel :)

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Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 11:25am

mhishon wrote:
<p>Hi Everyone,</p><p>Not sure what kind of weather you're experiencing but is sure is COLD here.........!! Bundle up!! lol</p><p>I'd posted before Christmas about a guy I'd met at a bar (brief synopsis):</p><p>-he is 44, never been married</p><p>-met him at a bar - we both had been drinking (him much more so) - he wanted to come to my place and I said no</p><p>-we ended up going out on a couple of dates (low key) - coffee, then out somewhere else on a Friday - he kissed me</p><p>-when I followed up with him a few days later and asked if he wanted to come by for pizza, his response was "Sorry Mel. I am busy for the next few days.  Keep in touch."</p><p>At the time (when I received his response) I was in getting my car worked on - had been a bad day.  I did respond to him - I said "Hmm.....guess that's a friendly brush off, huh?? :)".  Honestly, I thought he was a decent guy and I would have rather asked and got a response then just be left wondering if I should ever contact him......I did not get a response.  I have not contacted him since then.</p><p>Fast forward to this week-end.......I was at the neighbourhood pub hanging out........I had had a few, but he showed up, clearly quite drunk.  As soon as he saw me he smiled and we chatted for a bit.  He told me that he really liked me - I responded that I really liked him too.  I basically asked him what happened and he said that when he got my text back inquiring if it was a brush off, he thought I was really insecure.  I admitted to this - aren't we all insecure dating after 35 and having no idea what may be going on with the other person.......??</p><p>Anyhow........I did end up kissing him when we were outside (we were in private)........at one point when we were chatting I think he was trying to write down his number again or something (unsuccessfully).  He did ask me to come over to his place that night and I refused (been there, done that with the one night stands - no more).  He said that he liked my moral stance I guess........I was chatting with some other people later and I noticed he had left.</p><p>At one point when we were talking I thought - this is guy is no great shakes - why am I getting all worked up over him? I guess he just seemed nice and down to Earth.....although he does seem to have some hang ups (he was asking me incessantly last night if I had kids, as he did the night I first met him - it kind of sounded like he didn't believe me).</p><p>Anyhow, when this happened initially I deleted all of his messages and his number.......unfortunately my phone will pretty much save any number that you've sent a text to......I was tempted to text him yesterday to ask him how he was feeling and maybe get the communication going again but why.......?? Ultimately didn't see the point......I feel like I am always pursuing him, and likely he does like me, but only wants something casual.  He seems pretty into his boozing/casual lifestyle.</p><p>Hmm!! Why can't these guys just GO AWAY? lol<br /><br />Mel :)</p>

Two things you mentioned stood out to me--and that was his over-arching interest in you happens after he's inebriated, because from what you've described, his interest doesn't seem as focused when he's not drunk.

I didn't think his response really warranted insecure feelings... he had other plans for a few days and he did say to you to "keep in touch", which meant that he wasn't totally brushing you off.

yes, he does seem to be into his boozing/casual lifestyle.  He sounds like the kind of guy that's fun while you're out and about and that's it--he's not someone to make an investment in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 12:19pm

I do agree that if the guy says he's going to be busy for a few days, you shouldn't jump to the conclusion that that response means that he doesn't like you--people do have lives.  But since you are seeing him in a bar where he is drunk & his first response is to ask you to go back to his place (both times) he sounds like the kind of guy where you really have to beware that he isn't just looking for a hookup.  so I'd see if he makes any effort to meet you & do something where he is sober.  The fact that he's 44 & never been married usually means that he's probably not the guy you would look to for a committed relationship.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 12:38pm

I need to put a disclaimer here for the reasons that A, it's a slow day and B, I've had a lot of coffee.  This post irritates me on several levels so I may offend.  You've been warned.  Ha!

First of all, your response was not inscure.  His response to your invitation was both terse and void of any form of sensitivity.  What the heck were you supposed to think?!?  OMG!  It WAS, indeed, a brush off.  Why not be honest instead of labeling someone?  Seriously!?  Secondly, he should be lucky that a girl almost a decade his junior would even consider kissing his drunken arse.  Third and last, if he's just looking for a casual thing, why oh why on earth is he asking you kid questions?  This is absurd!  

Step away from the a**wipe, Mel.  Please, I beg you. 

P.S.  "No great shakes" - I've never heard this phrase before . . . either I've been under this rock for too long or it's some Canuck terminology.  Please advise ;)

  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 1:40pm

Hey Cfk,

I tend to agree........I posted on the board at the time and most people agreed....I also got the comment "he's just not into you".  Who knows really (we probably never will), but the thing I meant to mention in my text is that when we were discussing this on Saturday night, he came up with some very valid excuses (e.g. my aunt was sick, some kind of family funeral).  I asked him - "well why didn't you tell me that straight out?" and he said he thought it would sound lame/like bulls***.  Hmm......seems much more straightforward to me to just say sorry, I have some family stuff going on rather than being so ambiguous.  Then he accuses me of being insecure.......well.......umm.......it's not an attractive quality, but at the same time I didn't indulge in any really bad behaviour (going home with him on the first night, whatever......).  I guess it's debatable.......

Yes, I see too what you mean about the drunken part.......everyone else on here has pointed out that it's obvious......which it is.....but he tends to ask really relationship oriented questions and say things to genuinely lead me to think things are otherwise (e.g. on the last "date" we went on, he said we'd take it slow, etc.).

Anyhow.......I guess we all have issues.  I personally don't mind being called insecure vs. being a total and absolute drunk (and somewhat stoned) every week-end......!!

No great shakes.......I think that's generational!! Not exclusively a Canuck thing I don't think......... :)

Mel

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 2:29pm

Generational? I just have 4-5 years on you, girlie! I think it's a regional thing or something, because I've never heard it and I pay attention to irrelevant, nerdy things like words/phrases, ha-ha.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2002
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 3:35pm
Hey, Actually cfk I assumed you and I were around the same age.....I meant generational because it's totally something I could picture my mom saying. Maybe we picked it up from them?? lol Have you ever heard the word "hornswaggled"? I think it's totally a weird canuck thing.....I have a guy friend who says it (context: "I got hornswaggled into managing this project"). I actually questioned him on it because it sounded so odd and now he's really self conscious and avoids saying it....!! Hmm!!
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 4:03pm

"No great shakes"--I heard that all my life growing up in the south, and I'm 58. And, yeah, the guy sounds exactly like no great shakes to me, too.

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 6:41pm
I remember you posting about this guy, and I remember the responses. I also remember being flamed for saying his response didn't necessarily mean he was lying or not interested. I think that stupid "not into you" phrase is overused anyway. He sounds like he is into you, but that doesn't really mean squat when it comes to men these days. They like to be "into" lots of women at once, and like to keep lots of women on the hook without regards for our feelings at all. There's a young 'un who likes to hit on me when he's been drinking too much. He's friendly sober, but drunk he offers to come home with me. He's "into" me on some level, but I certainly don't see him wanting to date me. I think all the planets, asteroids, moons, and the sun have to align just right anymore for a guy over 30 to actually want to date a woman.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 7:47pm

That  young guy must need the liquid courage to ask to go home with you.  What kind of idiot is that?  Yeah, he doesn't want to date you--you know what he wants to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 01-28-2013 - 8:45pm

Yes; sorry but I would have to agree with the others.. It just sounds too typical where the guy gets drunk and wants to have sex..

I like what shy said in that men over 30 are the worst and since there are way more women to choose from then the guy has his pick..

Tell the guy when he is drunk to sober up and then talk to you and then when you see him again ask him if he wants to go out on a real date and not be such a JERK...................

Sorry...

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