Annoying Friend Rant

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Annoying Friend Rant
30
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 2:14pm

Another annoyance is how my good friend, who was soo adamant about not getting into a relationship, not needing to date, not needing sex or wanting a man at all, the same girl who always put her friends first and her time with her girls first, is not only in a very serious relationship with an absolutely amazing guy, but she's now spending most of her time with him and clearly putting him first. We used to hang out all the time now I havent seen her in weeks. Not saying I'm blaming her for putting their love first, just find it ironic as hell.

*moan*


Well, she's been saying for weeks that we should get together just me and her and have dinner or do something up by my way together. I haven't really seen her or heard from her in 2 weeks and I email her to see if we can pick a day. I let her know that besides tonight and Friday, I'm free. She just wrote back and tells me that every night this week she's busy and she and the BF are planning dates for Sat. AND Sun. Maybe we can do something Sat. during the day.

*fuming*

And I'll tell you what else pisses me off. We had planned a road trip to Virginia Beach this weekend with all the girls. We got on it late and it looks like we can't book a hotel room. Well, before anyone can officially cancel the trip, my girl has already made weekend long plans with her man! What! This was her idea.

So now I need to find something else to do since the beach is out but NOT with her since she's already booked being with her man. All weekend? She is staying with him? You mean she misses him so much during the week that she needs to book the whole weekend too. AND they're going to SF for a whole week next.

#%*^$%^*$#*#

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 2:56pm

I know that sucks. Have you tried being up front with her? She may not realize she is upsetting you or doing anything that offends you (sometimes people are so wrapped up in their lives, especially when a new love comes along that they don't even realize they are doing things to upset their friends). I have been in that boat before where a friend would make friend time, but only when it was convenient with the schedule she and her boyfriend had.

Speaking of which, I recently went to a girl's night outing that my friend had, she has been dating someone for a while now and none of her friends really get to see her (unless she is with him, he is nice but sometimes you just want time with your friend) so I was surprised when she planned this girl's outing, turns out her boyfriend was having a guy's weekend and was out of town so she decided to spend time with her friends. Okay, it's great that we are spending time together but can you make your friends a priority, ever?

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 4:35am

I feel your pain.

I often feel "shoe-horned" into a friend's life once she has the all-consuming relationship. Or husband. Or children. Forget weekend nights—she's not going to get together with you unless the BF is out of town. If you're lucky, she'll squeeze you in at lunch during the week.

The thing that I don't understand is this: if we were such good friends, don't they miss me? I mean really. I miss them. Wasn't our friendship important, meaningful, needed? I'm so tired of the whole "busy" excuse I could scream. People make time for what is important to them. I know she's going to spend more time with the boyfriend, I understand that, but my experience has mostly been being dropped like a burnt match.

It's gotten so I just don't call anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 8:57am

I find it a feeble excuse as well, I was married and still found time for my friends, so it's about priorities, if someone spends 24/7 with their spouse or boyfriend that is their priority and their friends are simply NOT. It's a sad fact to face and it hurts but it is what it is.

My friends, family and a man is important to me. Whether I was married, with a boyfriend or single I always found the time for everyone to have time in my life because everyone was important but that is me, those things are important to me. You have to realize, I make those people a priority just as much as a significant other.

Some women/men do not. So it's a sad fact to face. If your friends are not getting together with you as much when a SO/spouse comes into the picture, you simply moved down the priority scale.

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 12:22pm


Hi, I'm YaYa0788, I haven't been single for a long time now but used to visit this board a lot before I met my current bf. IMHO, and IMHO ONLY, those of us in r-ships will understand where your friend is coming from and say that there is nothing wrong with your partner being your number one priority and that friends, single or coupled, should appreciate and respect that. However, those of us who are single will of course be on your side and berate your friend for abandoning you and putting 'the man' first. Can I ask you a question: let's say some time from now, next week/month it's you who meets an absolutely amazing guy and gets into a very serious relationship with him; how would you feel if at some point he made it very clear to you through both words and actions that his friends and not you were his first priority, and that you should learn to adapt to his schedule with them? Would you encourage this behaviour? Say, you want to spend Mon/Wed/Fri/Sat with him and he turns you down for Fri and Sat saying that he has plans with his friends? And then, say, 2-3 years later, you're all for moving in with him, and he insists on keeping his bachelor pad where he can entertain his friends when and how he likes, and justifies it by saying: my friends are and always will be my first priority, living with a partner will limit the time I can spend with them and I told you that before so try and deal with it. How would you feel?

When you meet that amazing guy who will adore you just as you adore him and who will want to have a very serious r-ship with you, you will understand your friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 12:36pm

I do understand where my friend is, I used to be there. What is ironic is how she used to berate women who did this and claimed that would never be her. HER words.

But what doesn't sit well with me is how people aren't able to balance lovers AND friends. Quite naturally if you're accustomed to seeing and talking to your best friends several times a week and that drops to once a week and then once a month due to a relationship, your friends will feel slighted and left behind. Even worse is when you put effort into trying to maintain the friendship ie. suggesting dates, plans, vacations, events to do together and most get passed up in favor of the boyfriend, with thom they get to see all the time and the dating girl never puts in that kind of effort back. That kind of friendship then becomes nonreciprical and begins to get strained. Cause best believe, that guy will always make time for his guy friends. And if that relationship should end, its usually the woman who comes slinking back to her former girls looking for love and support after she's pushed them aside.

When a relationship/friendship is important to you, you foster it and maintain it; not push it on the back of the shelf for when its convenient to only you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 12:42pm

>>It's gotten so I just don't call anymore.

Oh, I hear that. I go months without seeing some of my friends...one in particular I used to see all the time until she started dating her current boyfriend. She's much better lately, I think because the novelty has worn off and she manages her time between him and her friends better, but she would use going out with him as an excuse not to go out with us. They LIVE together!! Don't you see enough of each other??

I think it's dangerous to spend all of your time with one person, be it friend or boyfriend. Let's face it, people break up, people get in fights, whatever. Plus I just think having a variety of people in one's social life is healthy...helps you not to get sick of one person. :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2007
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 12:52pm


'When a relationship/friendship is important to you, you foster it and maintain it; not push it on the back of the shelf for when its convenient to only you'

Agree. However, my partner is my number one priority and will remain that as long as we are together. In my 'friends vs lovers' balancing act he is and always will be the one I will try to accomodate first. Some women in serious r-ships think differently - I personally haven't met many. Sorry if this is not what you want to hear. I can only repeat - when you are in a great committed r-ship with a great man, you may well change your mind on the subject.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2004
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 12:54pm

I think you are missing the point. "We" are not referring to every girl in a relationship, just the ones who are so wrapped up that they forget they had their own lives and friends. I'm not saying that a relationship should not be very important to someone who is involved, of course it is, and of course they want to spend a lot of time with them BUT there is no excuse for totally dropping your friends. I know it sounds cliche, but your friendships are much more likely to outlast your romantic relationships and people in relationships often forget that their friendships are just as "fragile" as their romantic relationships. These girls think they can just blow off their friends and that it isn't damaging that relationship, well it is. I have been there many times with the friend who barely made time for her friends when she was happily involved and as soon as something happens with the guy she wants to finally make time to hang out and "amazingly" I see her ten times as often as I did.

I'm not talking about an occassional few days or even a week where I don't see someone, I am talking about months or weeks at a time and being repeatedly passed over for plans with a boyfriend. I enjoy being around my friends and no matter who I meet, I won't stop enjoying my time with them to the point where I stop seeing them or barely see them. I have been seriously involved and still saw my friends almost every weekend and it wasn't when the boyfriend was out of town either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 1:03pm

Exactly what I was getting at. And I don't think it should even be one or the other.

I was once in a long-term committed relationship for 8 years with a guy I'd planned to marry. I was young and absorbed myself to much into the relationship, that I barely left time to make or keep friends. When it ended, I realized, I didn't have any. Meanwhile, he stil did because he made sure to include his friends in his life.

I don't ask to be #1 or the first pick during weekends, holidays or etc. But I do expect a real friend to want to make plans with me, especially if its her suggestion, find time, call, inquire and take interest in my life, just as I would hers.

To ya ya,
In this case, it was my friends suggestion that we girls go on a road trip and before its been officially called off, she's made plans the entire weekend with the BF. Not cool, in my book. Especially when I haven't seen her in close to a month and she's leaving in a few weeks. Did I mention she also planned a 7-day vacation with the BF in 2 weeks?

I guess I'm suppose to just keep making new single friends and hope they don't get boyfriends too soon so I can have some companionship too. I guess when a good man comes around, that's just too bad for the single friends.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2006
Tue, 07-31-2007 - 2:22pm

You forget that most of us who are single HAVE been in relationships before. When I was with my ex, I still found time for my friends, that never changed. I have friends now who are in relationships who still make time for me and our other friends. The two CAN be juggled, and I'm not one of those women who get insulted by the mere mention of boys' nights. To the contrary, I think it's a great idea and as essential as time spent with my friends is. If a guy I were seeing told me he wanted to keep a day or two open for himself or his friends, would I be insulted? No! I don't expect to be the center of someone's universe as much as he can expect to be mine. My life was and still will be my life, not "our" life.

People break up and I don't like being the time-filler for people until that happens. I also feel like my guy friends are more apt to make time for me when they're in relationships for whatever reason.

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