Another question about attraction

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Another question about attraction
12
Sun, 05-11-2014 - 10:19pm

Last night I was at a dance and ran into a guy I just started getting to know.  There were not that many people there so I ended up dancing with him several times and then I was surprised when he left that he gave me a hug--he seemed kind of shy.  So objectively this guy is unattractive--he has very curly hair that's almost like an afro, even though he's white, a full beard but he is on the slim side so he is fit.  By his looks, I should not be attracted to him, but if he asked me on a date, I would go.  He's from England and has the accent, which always helps.  lol  From talking to him before, he seems like a nice enough guy.  But then there is another guy I have known for a few years from dance school who I think likes me but I am definitely not attracted to him or interested in him--it's not only his looks.  He's not terrible looking but he's like 5 ft. tall and bald but he is OLD--late 70's, so no way am I going to date a guy that old.  But it's unfortunate that he's old and unattractive because he's a very nice and interesting person--we both play the piano and he's also very smart--he was a scientist before he retired.  

So this led me to the thought--why is it that sometimes I have an attraction to men who I know are not good looking?  I've been married twice--my 1st DH is still a good looking guy--he's probably better looking now than when he was in his 20's cause then he still had kind of a baby face and he had a mustache--looks better without it.  My 2nd dH is NOT good looking.  The first time I saw him, my reaction was "I would never be interested in him."  I got to know him through a club so we were friends first and he kept asking me out and I was saying no, then I finally caved.  But on the 1st date, I practically ordered him to kiss me--and there was a lot of kissing.  And he turned out to be great at sex.

So has anyone else had this experience where you don't know why you are attracted to someone you don't think is good looking, or is it just me?  lol

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2008
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 12:02am

   Maybe it's just a case of your actual instinct conflicting with what society says you're supposed to care about or value. Or perhaps looks mattered more to you earlier in your life, but then subconsciously your experiences told you looks weren't as important as you thought, and your conscious mind just hasn't caught up with it yet. We internalize all these rules about attraction and dating without actually forming them for ourselves. For instance, why does it really matter if a person is 15 years older than someone they're attracted to if they're compatible in so many ways? But reflexively, we make a big deal out of it because we think we're supposed to. 

Avatar for sabrtooth
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-1999
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 12:30am

Music, very few of us are drop dead handsome or beautiful, so if that was all relationships were based on, there wouldn't be many babies in this world!  And even the beautiful people are sometimes attracted to people with beautiful MINDS.  And then there is the fact that some of the most beautiful people cannot string two coherent thoughts together.  I sometimes leave the late nite talk shows on while I am finishing up my house before bed, and with only listening to some of the conversations, I think, "Who the heck IS that moron???

My husband used to tease me that if he was hit by a bus, I'd never find another "package" like him.  I'd shoot back, "You're right.  But I'd find the IMPORTANT parts.  My ad would read--Looks, race, age unimportant.  Must be well employed, able to carry on intelligent conversation, have good personal hygiene, and be able to fix ANYTHING--even a broken heart."

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 8:50am

I can't really recall anyone I was attracted to who was unattractive. Having said that, the men I am generally attracted to are not conventionally or objectively handsome. I think attraction is somewhat mysterious anyway. There can be guys that look really good on paper, but nothing romantic develops. And vice versa. Something in him calls out to something in you, and it's very hard to define. I know there have been lots of theories put forth about it, but in the end, I think it's very elusive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 11:09am

I think that is very interesting and I love the responses you got and here is my stupid two cents.. I think that we never know who is going to be attractive to us or not... It could be that just is life .....Its all about chemistry and one can have chemistry with good looking people and not so good looking people.. For me I have been with gorgeous guys and ugly guys and middle of the road guys..... but it was all based on chemistry......................There was a guy once I worked with in a country club and he was rather not good looking and I was soooooooooo attracted to him and yet he wouldnt date me because he said I was way better than him..

So most relationships I have had were based on the attraction I had to the person and not their looks or whatever..

My first husband was good looking and very tall and a go getter but he was emotionally absent and never really showed me much affection so we divorced due to that..... He was a cold fish and I was and am a very warm person....... My rebound relationship after him was a guy who didnt have such good looks but he was the most caring, loving, thoughtful and beautiful soul and heart man I ever had..and he treated me like gold.. I let that one get away...........................

My ex second Husband is short like 5 feet 6 or something and not so attractive but we had an instant chemistry and attraction. He is rather cute and charming and has this like boyish personality and that is what attracted me to him... He was sort of quirky like Woody Allen and he was fun and made me laugh....

So there must be something that is attracting you to this guy ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 4:20pm

I read a book by Diane Keaton, who had relationships with Al Pacino and Warren Beatty, I think.  But she kept going on about how Woody Allen was so sexy!  I can see (before all the child molestation allegations were made) someone thinking that they wanted to be with Woody because he was so funny, intelligent, interested in music or whatever qualities--but who would describe him as sexy?  Yet he did get 2 attractive movie stars to be in relationships with him. So you just never know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 7:16pm

ha ha. well while we are talking about actors and all look at DAvid Spade.. He isnt so great and yet I have heard and read that he gets alot of women to date him and all and they say its not his money..but his great personality and that he is really funny....

Oh; and what about Mark Whalberg and Jenny McCarthy..........I was sort of shocked when they were dating and now engaged.. She to me can do wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy better but she picked him.........

Yeah; so one never knows what the attraction is... Oh; do you remember H.S. biology? Remember Pheromones..? did I spell that right??  that is what attracts us to people.. their scent or the chemicals in their body........................

Community Leader
Registered: 07-16-2001
Mon, 05-12-2014 - 8:36pm
I really think it's chemistry- pheromones or whatever is in the air. Being attracted to someone isn't the same as finding them attractive. When I was in college, I briefly dated a guy who I thought was ugly (really ugly) when I first saw him. Then we met and started talking. Sparks flew everywhere. So much so that even after I ended things, we didn't stop having sex (my first fwb situation!). The sex was pretty amazing. There are other guys I've had chemistry with that I didn't find attractive at first. Others I found attractive, but didn't want anything to do with them naked. It's all about the chemistry.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 05-13-2014 - 11:49am

Jenny is engaged to Donnie Wahlburg.  Mark is married with 4 kids!  Not that I am a groupie or anything but they own a restaurant (Wahlburgers) that is right near my house that I have gone to numerous times.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 05-14-2014 - 7:35am

I have only ever been attracted to one type of a bloke, my entire life, and unless he is of that particular type I will not fancy him, end of story. For me it has nothing to do with how clever/kind/lovely/interesting/educated etc etc he is. I've got to have this jolt, bang, wow when I see him...which won't happen unless he is of this one type that I go for. Great conversation and him being a decent person and all those wonderful things do help but essentially, at the core, it has always been  a pure biological visual thing for me. There is no way in h*** that I could ever find an ugly short hugely overweight/underweight etc man attractive and feel any kind of chemistry towards him based on his interesting witty talk. It just doesn't work like that for me, never has and never will. A man's got to be of my specific physical type (NOT a super fit supermodel by any means) and striking. Othwerwise, it's a no-go, whatever he does or does not do. As simple as that.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 05-16-2014 - 1:51pm

I've always had an oddball crush on David Letterman and most people think he's unattractive.  In the real world, I can't think of any off hand that *I* thought were unattractive but I do know that I've pointed men out to friends and co-workers before and they grimace at me, LOL.  I think it's different strokes for different folks.  Plus, you take a slightly unattractive/nerdy guy, get to know him better, turns out he has a great personality, treats you well and suddenly he's perfect :)

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