ANY ADVICE!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
ANY ADVICE!!
7
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 7:11pm

I'm a single mother, who's FOB left me when he found out i was pregnant. He just recently staring being in our son's life. And its come to the point where he is not attached to Hayden. I have recently filed a child support claim against him, bc he wasn't helping fiancially with our son at all. (he is also having his second son sometime in July) and i didnt' want him to completly support him without supporting our son. He has be bitter every since the paperwork has been filed. But recently has wanted to come up with an agreement (which i agree with him on) before we go into domestics for our confernce. but what kinda agreement? like how do you come up something that will make both of us Happy? This man ditched his child when it was convienent for him to be a father..?! I still have not completly forgiven him for that. To make things more complicated he tells me he still has feelings for me and always will. He has tried to fight them, but he can't. Him and I will always be in each others hearts. But there is no possible chance for him and I to be happy again. What do i do? How do i try to even start dating again? Is him paying me $60 a week and every other weekend a bad deal? How do i know? I know it's based on income and he doesn't make much.. So i dont want to be one of those girls that takes EVERYTHING from him. I do care about him and his well being. ANY advice will be greatly apperciated!

THANKS IN ADVANCE!!

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 7:22pm

The only frame of reference I have for what's fair as far as child support goes is what my dad paid when my parents got divorced 20 years ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2006
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 7:46pm

Given the father's lack of responsibility to date, I would be very hesitant to agree to anything he asks of you regarding child support. He's not attached to his son, he's not been paying the bills -- what makes you think that his goals are in your son's best interests? They aren't, unfortunately. :(

You need an outside, neutral party. www.beehive.com offers some great resources, including your local child support organizations. This site will help you find local contact information.

I'm sure you both have feelings for each other and you will need to work those out someday. But for now, figure out the financial welfare for your child -- your first priority -- and then tackle the emotional part.

Good luck!

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 7:53pm

You should take him to court. A friend of mine was in the same shoes as yourself. He pleaded with her to negotiate outside of the courts because he worked for a christian organization and he did not want the money to be garnered from his checks, for his employers to see. Which, I didn't know that the government garnered wages unless the fathers fall behind on payments, but I digress. Sooooo, she did just that, negotiated.

I forget the name of the service they used but it wasn't overseen by the government. He paid her what was agreed upon, I'm sorry, I forget the amount, saw the child (his second) every other weekend plus one night per week, every week, for about a year and a half. He later married, had a third child with his wife and vanished into thin air.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 8:34pm

Hi, I went to a women's org. in town (but I'm in Canada) there was a legal aide consultant I could speak too. In my situation, in Canada, H is making 45000/year (that's gross not net), I am/was SAHM making only gov't child benefits (just over $200/mth) legal aide informed me that H only had to pay $460/month for DD, when our newborn comes in June 1st (this year - eek!), it goes up to over $700. Our social assistance $ would be about that much. Fortunately, H did better and is giving me $1000/mth (much against the advice of his friends and family, but he's not a deadbeat, quite the opposite). He has sometimes found money tight, a lot of his earnings go to the wonderful Cdn taxman and union, etc. He has a few times asked me if I could possibly receive added funds from social assistance, but they won't entertain me if he's "giving" me more support. So, I'm going to get a P/T job in October (if all goes well), I have good support (MIL-ironically is our baby sitter), and H thinks he can handle the baby and DD 3&1/2 on weekends if need be for me to work. I told him we will cut down his support payments that way, also gov't will raise the $ for baby #2.

I sure hope you will have a happy arrangement, even mine that is more than amicable is still tight. I still can't understand men and why they put us in these spots, totally callous if you ask me. But IMHO, and I think the other posters say too, is you need to get all the info and legalities you can get your grubby hands on, I found the early days (in Dec-Jan) when we split it was a diversion and gave me some peace of mind. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2007
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 8:37pm
Thanks for the advice i apperciate it.. My son was born on June 1st of last year! Maybe they will have the same B-day.!! ha ha!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2005
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 8:21am

Here's a child support calculator for PA

http://www.pennglazier.com/support2006/support.html

I strongly suggest you have Domestic Relations take care of this. They are a neutral party and can enforce garnishment if he starts up with "oh, money's tight this week" "I paid for diapers last week, so I'm deducting that" and all the other excuses that he WILL come up with.

You don't have to take the full amount that DR proposes. You can accept that $60 a week and have them handle the transaction.


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 10:15am

I would make sure to get the arrangements made through the legal system rather than an outside arrangement. If he all of the sudden decides to bail on your arrangement, if it is not legally binding, it will be harder to get him to pay you. By having the arrangements made by the court, the state will go after him if he stops paying. The amount that he will pay will be based on the calculator for the state in which you live. In Florida, I beleive the courts require the non- custodial parent to pay a percentage based on BOTH parents salaries combined, not just the salary of the person paying. Good luck!

YG