Appearing "easy"?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Appearing "easy"?
3
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 7:07pm

Hi there,

I have a question and hope you can give me some advice. This post is a lil' long, so please bear with me...

My problem is that I am worried that I appear too "easy" to men, and wanted to know if that is indeed the case.

Ok, here is *why* I am worried. In general, I volunteer personal information far too quickly when I meet new people, irrespective of gender. It's because I think I have nothing interesting to talk about as regards everyday stuff, so I offer up more juicy, personal info to not bore people to tears. Also, for some reason I don't know, I seem to view private info as just another conversational topic, not as something "private". Most people, as far as I am aware, don't volunteer as much private stuff as I do.

HWhen I meet a new guy, I do this as well. An example: our security guy at work. He looks good, is a nice guy, sensitive, not a sleazeball in any way. We started chatting a few months back, just to be friendly, quick "hi, how are you?" on my way out of the office. I then, for some reason, starting talking to him about stuff I was doing in my spare time (he asked), and for some reason I also started talking about stuff that worried me: I am planning a major career change and have lots on my plate, and am a little nervous about my new career plans as you would, so I mentioned that. I am the sort of person who will quite openly talk about my worries and problems to others if they want to know, I don't just reserve that sort of stuff for close friends and family.

Now, I thought he had a gf. I had a bf up till about 5 months ago, and thought he was just friendly and that was that. I like him as a person, but don't really fancy him (he looks good, he's just not for me), he is 7 years younger than me (I'm 28), with different life goals, and I will be moving away in 6 months anyway, so we're not talking potential bf here. It has since transpired that he is single. These kind of things just crop up in most conversations at some point, don't they? You kinda ask if the other person is seeing someone, just out of friendly interest. Since he knows that I am single, he has started to compliment me a little more, in a nice and subtle way. He is a little flirtier. Now the problem...

I went running this evening after work - I do that sometimes, go running after work, shower when I get back (we have showers at work) and then go home. He was working the nightshift, and I said hi on my way to my run. When I got back, we had a little chat about we each had been up to, and I was flushed and a little out of breath - I am not one of those people who look fantastic after exercise, I look too flushed and dishevelled ;-) And he suddenly just looked at me and went "You look *so* fit!"

I thought "I am not sure if you mean "fit" as in physically, or "fit" as in attractive/sexy." I wasn't sure because *I* don't think I look that attractive straight after running (which is fine with me), and because I didn't think he would pay me such an obvious, flirty compliment. So I said "Oh, you mean because I've just been running? Or..." And he replied "Both." Hmmm. After that, it kinda got a little "heavier" (not in a sleazy way though). He just kept looking at me, and then went "I really wish I could kiss you". And I thought "whoops, where did that come from?" I kinda said nothing to that, just chatted about something else in a friendly manner, then went and showered.

When I passed the front desk on my way home, he came outside with me for a little bit - he does that sometimes and we chat while I get my bike ready. He really likes the fact that I can be quite quirky sometimes; I know I am, my first bf loved that about me, and I personally like my quirkiness. He also often comments on how cool it is that we have some similar interests, and likes that I am into exercise like he is. So we were chatting away, and he made that "I would really like to kiss you" comment again (phrased slightly differently). He doesn't move towards me when he says that, just has that kind of "longing" expression on his face.

We chatted a little more, and I talked about kissing in general some more, NOT because I wanted to tease him, but because he had kinda brought the topic up and it seemed like a reasonable thing to continue talking about. Was that a "naive" thing to do? Sometimes I really worry that I just seem to lack a sense of what constitutes suitable conversation topics... Then he suddenly went "I think you better go", implying that he might just kiss me if I stayed, and not wanting to make me feel awkward if he kissed me. So I said bye and cycled home.

My question now: if I cause this reaction in a guy, that is bad, right? I want a serious relationship again at some point, but does my openness mean that guys think I am easy? I don't think it's an age thing, like "I think older women are so cool!" - I look younger than 28, and I estimated his age at about 24/25 before he told me how old he was.

Does openness with personal information make a woman seem easy? Would I do better to be more "private" in conversations so as not to give people and men the wrong idea? I just talk about private things because to me it is just another conversation topic, but others might perceive this as an invitation to intimacy, or as a signal saying "you are special to me as I share this private information with you".

It's not that I am offended by what the guy said - I am quite flattered that he finds me attractive and likes my quirkiness. I am just worried that I might have given him the wrong idea somehow. Do men equate private info with the girl saying "I am interested in you romatically, or else I wouldn't tell you these things?" If I really WAS interested in this guy as a potential bf, I would be really woried that he thinks I am a "blabbermouth"...

So what would you say - should I try and "zip it" a little more?

Thanks for reading my essay, I tend to get a little verbose...

goddess

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 10:09pm

Honestly, I think he just wanted to kiss you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2005
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 6:34am

Well, as regards responding to his statement, I just kinda gave his little semi-nervous/awkward laugh (come on, I really hadn't expected him to tell me he'd like to kiss me!!) because I thought "I can't believe you just came out with that!" I hate having to say no to people, but I didn't want to say "yes" to him kissing me if I don't feel like him doing that. So it was kinda awkward and I just gave an awkward laugh and tried to change the subject. I guess I should make it clear again that I don't want to get involved with any guy for the foreseeable future.

I *am* worried though that guys find that "blabbing" thing we both do off-putting. Or whether the right guy would either find it cute, or just accept it as one of my idiosyncracies?

Sigh...so many worries, so little time ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 11:45am

I have always been way too quick to share personal details of my life as well. Like you, I hate general small talk (about the weather and what not) and love lively conversation - so I used to share more intimate details.

I say I *used* to do that, because I realized that I was making myself too vulnerable with near strangers. There are some things that my friends and family should/can know, but I don't need the world to know.

I got some great advice last year that, especially with men and dating, I should practice "the dance of the seven veils." (I've posted this before, so my apologies to those who've heard it). It means, in conversation, you drop one veil at a time like those harem dancers. The first veil is very basic stuff like your favorite food, your favorite color, etc. The second veil is slightly more personal, such as you have three cats, love the beach but hate the mountains, etc. Wait until veil 5 or so to start sharing your thoughts on the perfect kiss, the ideal relationship, childhood dreams, past hurts, etc.

The reason behind it is that you get to know someone slowly, which helps you learn whether or not you can fully trust him. When you have reached a level of trust with someone, then you can offer up things that make you more vulnerable.

I don't think this is a matter of you seeming "easy" at all. It obviously bothers you, though, so I think it's more a matter of you feel like you revealed too much. I have definitely been there - and it's been a lot better now that I have started to hold back a bit with people until I know them better. I'm not saying close yourself off - friendly is great -- but just be a little more choosy with what you share with acquaintances.

AJ, enjoying life with C.