are all the good ones really taken?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
are all the good ones really taken?
15
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 4:48pm
I'm at a loss at this point of my life when it comes to men after coming into contact with too many jerks in the last couple of years. I want someone who is in decent shape, intelligent, funny and somewhat charming. A friend of mine told me that I have to give up on that and settle for a geek who is boring. My experience has been that all the "hot," in shape, funny and exciting/mentally-stimulating men (with the exception of one) I've dated were complete jerks for the most part and the nice, relationship-type men were somewhat boring, not funny and out of shape. But I just can't seem to fall for the latter type. I'm in great shape, pass for someone five years younger, beautiful, intelligent and funny from what I've been told so why should I lower my standards? Then again, I don't want to hold out for something that I may never come across. Can anyone shed some light on the issue? We are both in our 20's and she's also slowly convincing me to stop dating men in their 20's to get fewer jerks though I'm not sure if that will help matters either. What do you all think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 5:10pm
I am going to get on my soapbox for a minute and say that no...all the good ones are not taken. I used to believe that when I was in my 20's, but now that I am older and have seen more than my fair share of men who have fallen short on the quality scale, I am realizing that it wasn't them it was me. When I realized my shortcomings and took my inventory..I saw that I wasn't who I was supposed to be yet and getting into a relationship at that point in my life would have stunted my growth spiritually..I am grateful for not finding a great guy so long ago when I thought I was ready because I have learned so many wonderful things about myself that I would have missed being distracted by a man in my life...my personality had a chance to bloom and I became a great person which is what attracts great people..and with or without them I was the exact same person..not waiting for someone to help me out in that area. You have to have faith in the fact that if things aren't going in the direction that you feel that they should then there is a reason behind that and the sooner you realize that...the better off you will be and the more you accept where you are at..the more things will come to you that are good...like if you aren't happy with $5. you aren't going to be happy with $5000.00 Does that make sense?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 6:01pm

No...in your 20s, the good ones are definitely NOT all taken! The pool does get smaller the older you get, but it's never completely empty ;-).

There are hot guys who are funny, in shape, exciting AND nice. They are not as common, but they do exist. Don't you have female friends who are in relationships and/or married to some of them? Or male friends who are that way?

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 6:23pm
Strangely, some of my friends who are in LTR envy my single status and others are with great guys who I would date had they been single who yes, are good-looking, intelligent and fun. I just don't know why I can't meet the whole package myself. The last guy I dated seemed like the whole package (except the in shape part which was okay with me given his other great qualities) until I realized he's dishonest and more interested in playing games with me than actually dating me. If I'm friends with a guy and he's the whole package, he's usually taken or I would be dating him in a heartbeat. I think I just need to network more maybe and be more assertive instead of dating whoever seems to be most interested in me since I usually am not very proactive when it comes to dating men. I really think that's the root of my problem. To the previous poster, that may explain my present situation. I've also found that the more interested they are in you, the more likely it is they'll leave you or jerk you around. I have been working on myself for years now. I don't know how much more work I need to do on myself before the right moment comes along for the right guy. I'm as ready as I think I ever will be! But thanks for advice and reassuring me that I should not give up and should carry on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 6:34pm

I'm 25, and I'm hoping the good ones aren't taken! I think part of my problem is also that I look younger than what I am. Most people who don't know me don't think I'm older than 18. Which I know I will appreciate when I'm older, but not so much right now! I end up getting hit on by the young ones. Sigh...it's always some issue or another.

Veena :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 7:41pm
Well, I'm 28 and look 22/23 so yeah, I get the 23 year olds, even 19 years olds and the 30+ year olds as well...the full spectrum! But I won't date younger than mid-twenties though you'd be surprised how hard the younger ones try to convince you that age is not a problem even though they can't afford to pay their own bills, haha. Getting hit on and having men chase you for sport gets tired eventually and you just want to be in a relationship where the guy loves you and appreciates you. Even the older men I've dated have had their problems as well though I think the younger, the more likely you'll encounter problems with the three C's: commitment, cowardice and confusion. I just made that up right now but it's true, lol. Oh well, at least I can laugh at the situation.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 9:29pm
Of course they aren't all taken. I just had a conversation with a male friend of mine about 3 hours ago about this very subject. He was convinced that all the good women are taken, as well. Obviously, as we can see on this board, they are not all taken. So saying all the good men are taken should seem just as ridiculous. Instead of concentrating on what these guys aren't, concentrate on what they are. Maybe it's the "type" you're choosing that's going against you.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 9:55pm

I'm conviced that the reason why so many women say all the good men are taken and so many men say all the good women are taken is because we aren't using the same definitions.


A man's idea of what a "good man" might be is probably different from what a woman's definition of a "good man."

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 11:24pm
Very true. I was just thinking that earlier. I have met many good guys who I just didn't have a lot in common with or I didn't connect with. I don't doubt that good men exist even though my thread title questions this. I just haven't found the one who is right for me. However, I have met guys who I had a lot in common with and who I connected with who just did not make good boyfriends for one reason or another, and this has been the root of my disappointment. I know I'm a unique individual and I want someone else who I see as a unique individual and don't want a guy just because he is a good guy so I understand that this is not enough. Maybe that makes me picky but when you can't fall in love with someone in spite of their good assets, what is one to do? Keep on looking I guess. Okay, that the end of my rant and good night all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Fri, 11-18-2005 - 9:22am

Hi there! I have to say that I sometimes feel your pain. I'm 28 as well and most of the time I'm just fine with what I've encountered in the dating world the past few years... not so much because I've just met fantastic, interesting men, but more because I've started to finally see all of the dates/relationships that didn't work out as stepping stones to something better. But there are definitely times when I wonder 'are all the good ones really taken?'.

I believe you said that you only date guys in their mid-twenties... I have actually decided to go the other way. It's been my experience that many men in their mid-late twenties don't seem to be ready for a relationship. Not to say that they are bad guys... It just seems that the ones I've dated who claim to want a relationship... their actions didn't quite correspond with that. So now I have added that to my mental checklist: no uniforms, no sports-car drivers, no buff gym fanatics, no men under 30. :) However, I suppose we can conjure up all the checklists we want, but we can't predict the future. We may both be suprised. You may fall head-over-heels in love with a 40-year-old junk food fanatic who makes you laugh and I may end up with a 23 year-old corvette-driving weightlifter . Funny how those things happen.. Good luck and have fun finding out!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 9:05am
Yes, the mid/late 20's guys do claim to want a relationship but either they don't follow through or are lousy at figuring out what a woman wants and needs, at least from my experience. I have no problem falling in love. It's just that for many men I encounter, it seems that love does not seem to be a priority so they don't even give it a chance to grow because they have a million other things that are more important to them, so they end up ruining things and the relationship dies. But wait, no uniforms!!! I love men in the military and in law enforcement but I guess so do a lot of other women. I'm actually am not happy with the men I've dated and am very disappointed with my dating history but I think that in spite of all the negative experiences, I've grown so much that in a way, they were worth it in that they helped me define what I want and don't want in a man. I've also learned to put up with a lot less bs than I would have at a younger age. So yeah, hopefully, something good will come out of all of this for both of us and I'm glad to hear I'm not alone.

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