are all the good ones really taken?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
are all the good ones really taken?
15
Wed, 11-16-2005 - 4:48pm
I'm at a loss at this point of my life when it comes to men after coming into contact with too many jerks in the last couple of years. I want someone who is in decent shape, intelligent, funny and somewhat charming. A friend of mine told me that I have to give up on that and settle for a geek who is boring. My experience has been that all the "hot," in shape, funny and exciting/mentally-stimulating men (with the exception of one) I've dated were complete jerks for the most part and the nice, relationship-type men were somewhat boring, not funny and out of shape. But I just can't seem to fall for the latter type. I'm in great shape, pass for someone five years younger, beautiful, intelligent and funny from what I've been told so why should I lower my standards? Then again, I don't want to hold out for something that I may never come across. Can anyone shed some light on the issue? We are both in our 20's and she's also slowly convincing me to stop dating men in their 20's to get fewer jerks though I'm not sure if that will help matters either. What do you all think?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2005
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 10:12am

I think that's ridiculous. There's no such thing as "hot, funny, goodlooking guys that are jerks" and "boring, geeky, non-funny guys that are nice"- there are a TON of different men in this world.
So first, I think it's important to evaluate how important looks are to you. I know soooo many "geeky", FUNNY, nice and interesting men out there (i just can't seem to grab one for myself *sigh*).

You don't need to "lower your standards" at all. Keep being busy and dating men, but try saying yes to some that maybe aren't initially drop-dead-gorgeous. I bet you'd discover that the not-so-attractive guys have WAY more personality and humour in their little fingers than those buff guys that are jerks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 10:47am
Who said anything about buff? I don't even like big muscles. I just don't want him to be very overweight and not care about how much weight he puts on which a lot of guys seem to be like. I know a lot of men who won't give a woman the time of day if she isn't in shape but if it's a woman, then she's being vain? I like intelligence but there's men who act awkward around women, who are shy and who mainly have book smarts and those are the ones I consider "geeky." Then there are those who are assertive and comfortable with women who not only have book smarts but a natural intelligence and those are the ones I consider hot. It's not just about looks for me and I certainly don't rule out men who aren't model material because I've dated enough who aren't (slightly overweight, non-chiseled features, etc.). It's more the attitude that makes a man hot to me. I hope that clears things up.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 11-19-2005 - 3:33pm

To be completely honest, when I first read your original post, I got the impression that you were more focused on looks as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2005
Sun, 11-20-2005 - 7:59am

Amen to that. My last boyfriend is my age (25), and while he was very adamant about wanting a long term relationship, you sure couldn't tell by his actions. His work and making a lot of money turned out to be his first priority. I'm sure it being long distance played a part in it, but he was clearly not ready and too naive about a lot of things. He is a decent guy, just not relationship material right now.

I think next time I might aim a little older so he'll be more mature. But then again, who knows. The next guy I meet might be my age again and it may turn out great.

But I agree...I think all relationships we go through teach us something and we become better people because of it. You guys are not alone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2005
Mon, 11-21-2005 - 9:40am

Yeah, I used to LOVE men in uniform too. Could almost not resist them! I dated a cop for over 2 years and a fireman for about 8 months. Those both ended because of infidelity (theirs). But, we were in our early-mid twenties when we dated, so I don't take too much stock in it. I have several guy friends who are in the military and have dated a few, as well. Although I have the utmost respect for most men in uniform, my personality seems to clash with the ones I've dated... The last straw was the FedEx man. I know, I know...but it IS a uniform. After casually dating him for about a month 1/2 (he told me he had never been married) it turns out he was what you would call... a newlywed. Yep, he was married and had only been married for about a year. Let's put it this way, he now delivers my packages to our warehouse for his own safety. :) It's sort of a running joke I have with my friends... no uniforms for Jen anymore... not even a delivery uniform.

I just tend to think that you just plain and simple have not met someone truly right for you yet. Sounds simplistic, but I think it's true. I know that sometimes all of us singletons tend to get a little anxious. We want it when we think we're ready, but maybe now's not the time for you. Could be tomorrow, though! You just never know. Don't compromise on what's really important to you. Just try to throw off all of the things that don't truly matter when you meet someone new. And remember, I have happily married friends who tell me that they envy my single status right now... they sometimes miss the "not knowing yet". So try and enjoy the path you're on right now and a perfect man (for you) will cross it sooner or later.

Sounds like very sage, very zen-like advice doesn't it? Still doesn't mean I won't see a happy couple out holding hands, holiday shopping and want to pour my coffee on them at times. ;)

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