Are There More Quality Women Then Men?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Are There More Quality Women Then Men?
47
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 11:33am
I’m just wondering if anyone else feels this way, or is it just the point of view of a slightly jaded, single, 32 year old woman (me) who has yet to find a good catch. Does it seem like, in general, there are a lot more quality women out there than men, or is this a misconception? It’s just that I seem to know so many wonderful women, who have a good head on their shoulders, enjoy life, smart, beautiful, funny, great senses of humor, independent…..and all alone. Also, I always thought the close friends I had for most of my young adult life, would never in a million years settle for less than what they want in a man, yet a lot of them have. Not only that….as soon as a man came into the picture, they just basically disappeared out of my life. Hardly ever do I get a phone call or any attempt to make plans from them anymore, ever since they got into these relationships. I can’t help but be a little offended, because they had a great friend in me….I’m a cool, chic! I’m lots of fun, and love to do things, enjoy life. Yet these friends have chosen to be with drunks, unemployed or underemployed men, emotionally abusive, and in one case, and ex-con with baby mama drama, instead of just having fun and staying single, cause it seems to them that any man is better than none at all. I guess I just don’t get it! Any thoughts on this, or similar experiences? Do you think there is a shortage of quality men? Do you think there are a lot of women out there who think it’s much better to have just any man and say they are in a relationship, rather than to wait for a quality one, who may or may not ever appear?
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 4:43pm

"But it’s 10x more difficult for a man to be attractive. It’s not enough for us to look good and dress well. We have to be cool, popular, socially fluent, make more money than you, be charming but not cheesy, intelligent but not nerdy, confident but not cocky, know the right words to say at the right time in the right tone of voice and we have to have that element of edginess and excitement. And if we so much as fall short on one of those, we lose our chances with you, because most women would rather be with a guy who meets their standards of attractiveness but cheats and lies and hurts them than be with a guy who falls short."

- - Do you know how many confident, attractive, successful, independent, beautiful women I have seen on the arm of an unattractive, overweight, average income earning man? Your theory holds no water, sorry. How many times do you see the tables turned? I can't honestly remember ever seeing an Adonis with as you put it, a wretched woman. It just doesn't happen.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 5:03pm

"It’s pickiness that become epidemic."

- - I agree with you to a certain degree. I think we can point the finger at media for that one.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 6:17pm

>>>>What? How did I imply that “there's nothing wrong with wanting qualities other than pure biological ones.” ? That’s the opposite of what I said. I think most people are somewhat desirable; it’s the original poster who has high standards that most men, apparently, can’t reach.<<<<<

Uh....where exactly in my original post did I mention that I had high standards that most men can't reach? Please, point that out to me, because I can't seem to find it in my post. What I said was that my FRIENDS have settled for men who have substance abuse problems, underemployment or lack of employed altogether, and are bacically not quality men.
So, just because I don't want to be in relationship with a drunk, an ex con, or someone with no income, and because I feel my friends deserve better as well, doesn't exactly mean that I have "standards that most men can't reach."....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 7:13pm

Hi all!

Are There More Quality Women Then Men?

Probably. Women change themselves. Men usually don't. A man who would change himself probably did it when he was in his twenties. The rest, didn't. A man who would change himself is probably in a loving long term relationship. The rest aren't.

I don't think there is any difference between now, and way back when. It has always been that way. There isn't a difference in numbers of "Quality Men" now, and years ago. After a certain age, late 30's, early 40's, all that is going to be left are the broken ones. Heheeee,,, It has always been that way.

What I see of the single men in my age group (42) is,

1. They've been divorced and want no part of that kind of relationship again.
Or
2. They just don't care anymore, because they don't have to.

The ones who want a relationship, are trying and finding them in women 10 or more years younger than themselves.

I fall into a couple of those categories. Here's how it happened,

In my 20's, I was in the military, out of the country most of the time and working 7 days a week all of the time. I never really had a chance to meet anyone, and if I did, I probably would have ended up divorced like all of my friends in the military did. Because they were gone all of the time.

In my 30's, I got out, started a career. I lucked out and got great jobs. The women in around these places were the best ever. Independent, creative, well educated, very smart, pretty, great jobs with great pay, my kind of dream women. I could never seem to connect with any of them. I'm not exactly sure why, but my first guess is that I am boring, or was to them anyway. And, it seems that all of those women preferred to spend their thirties supporting their "Artist" boyfriends, over having any kind of semi normal relationship with anyone. Oh well....

In my 40's, just got there. It kinda sorta seems that I have suddenly become mister popular with the women in my age group now. Why couldn't this have happened 10, 15, years ago? 6'4", 210, fit, not ugly, great long term job with good pay, stable,kind, polite, and wants to be in a loving, permanent, relationship, nothing has changed on my side, I know, because I am one of those "Not changing""Broken" kinda guys,heheeeee. I guess they have changed then. They have been in and out of relationships, divorced, some have children, they have went to therapy, changed themselves, made themselves healthy and happy, and are ready for a committed healthy loving relationship. Thats good, except, it's a little too late now. I would probably never consider one of these women to have any kind of serious relationship with. For a couple of reasons,

1. I would be the guy they have settled for. I have a problem with that. I don't want to be the guy someone settles for. Good ole dependable me. You are ready for me now. Thanks, but no thanks. Lets just be friends.

2. I don't find 41/42 year old women as attractive as I find 29/30 year old women. I actually have a choice now, and I am going to choose the younger woman just about everytime. That's not being shallow. You can't really even begin a relationship, if you don't find yourself physically attracted to her.

I am a pretty normal guy, despite being single in my forties and I know that guys my age share a couple of these thoughts too. My advice to women in my age group is, look for someone outside your age group, you will probably have better success meeting someone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 8:05pm

2. I don't find 41/42 year old women as attractive as I find 29/30 year old women. I actually have a choice now, and I am going to choose the younger woman just about everytime. That's not being shallow. You can't really even begin a relationship, if you don't find yourself physically attracted to her.

Chances are, these younger women will find you less interesting as time goes on. It's only natural.

Ya know, when I read posts like yours from men around my age, I sometimes get disheartened. But only temporarily. I then take a good look around and see that the men my age who are emotionally healthy, not angry with women, who in general are good guys, tend to pick women who are at or near their own age.

I don't know you from Adam, so I wouldn't presume to comment on your desirability. Kindly accord us women in your general age bracket the same courtesy.

And, sorry, I am 45 but not interested in 60 year olds. If the alternative is to be alone, according to your wisdom, well, guess what...I won't bettling for the man who pops Viagra who thinks he deserves a woman 10-20 years younger.

By the way, if you are attracting women 10-20 years younger, my bet is you have a good income. Trust me, these women wouldn't give you the time of day of you worked at Walmart.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 8:06pm

"I don't find 41/42 year old women as attractive as I find 29/30 year old women. I actually have a choice now, and I am going to choose the younger woman just about everytime. That's not being shallow. You can't really even begin a relationship, if you don't find yourself physically attracted to her."

I find this statement to be true of a lot of men in your age group but I don't think this is very fair in society. I am a 31 yr old female and when I was dating recently at age 29/30, I put a cutoff at age 42 really but I tried to stay at between 28-36 age range because this was closer to my age. So it kind of works for those women that are in the late 20s early 30s age range too, we sometimes don't want to date men who are in their 40's either because a lot of the times if guys in that age range are never married they probably have commitment issues and/or they don't want to get married again because they already have been. Like you said for the most part they are the "leftovers" who can't keep commitments or shall I say, who don't want to keep commitments. I think you are generalizing in saying that you don't find 41/42 yr old women as attractive because I know that there are some 41 yr old women out there who look better than some 29/30 year old women. I've seen it. It depends on how they take care of themselves and carry themselves.
I do agree though that for the most part the healthy, successful, kind males who had a lot to offer a relationship did end up finding a woman in their 20s to marry and are still married. This is why I was having a difficult time in my late 20's/age 30 finding quality men to date because I felt as if I "missed the boat". I dated all the wrong guys in my 20s becase I didn't have enough self esteem to realize that I did deserve better than I was choosing and i had no faith that I would find better. So therefore I had been stuck still dating in my late 20's and age 30 having a harder time with that. I kind of wish that I knew back then what I know now then I wouldn't have bounced from wrong r'ship to wrong r'ship but now I know and I'm a better person for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 8:18pm

Everything you said is very well put, biochic. Unfortunately, I still had self-esteem issues at your age so also missed the boat. But I take hope because I see people finding love at all ages.

I think this man's views are but a minority. It is not what I am seeing in my everyday life. And, actually, I look better and wiegh less than when I was 30. And much more assured and stylish.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 8:24pm
I agree with this post. Like i said in my post to the same comment from this poster (see the one before yours) women in their early 30s a lot of the time don't want to date men in their 40s either. I prefer not to date men in their 40's becuase I want children and I want them to be young enough to run around and play with those children and also a lot of these men are divorced and don't want to start a family because they already have their own or by this age they probably never wanted them anyway. Also it's hard to relate on topics of growing up because when you are 10 yrs apart or more you kind of had different things growing up/grew up in a different era etc etc. It can also be hard to relate on current likes and dislikes and things to go do because someone that is 29 could want to go to the bar more often than a 42 yr old man. I think women in their 40s can be very attractive and I hope to be one of those women ;-) I try to take care of myself now so that I can keep my looks.
My new boyfriend is 37 and I'm 31 and he was on the high end of my age range group but because he is young at heart and looks great for his age (could pass for late 20s) I was definately attracted to him. He was single just because he doesn't have a whole lot of confidence with dating and never really has, he doesn't make a lot of money (just has a regular office job) and can be overly giving at times (if that can even be the case lol), but it does take a special person to be able to accept and appreciate his very caring and very attentive nature because he gives A LOT. But after having all these other guys that were not at all attentive, had commitment issues and couldn't be emotionally avaialbe for me he is a breath of fresh air.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 9:39pm

Hi Muire!

"Chances are, these younger women will find you less interesting as time goes on. It's only natural."

You got that right!

"Ya know, when I read posts like yours from men around my age, I sometimes get disheartened. But only temporarily. I then take a good look around and see that the men my age who are emotionally healthy, not angry with women, who in general are good guys, tend to pick women who are at or near their own age."

Yep! And they have been happily married for years. I disagree with "pick women who are at or near their own age" as a criteria for being emotionally healthy though. I don't think a ten year age difference means a lot. The older you get, the less it matters.

"I don't know you from Adam, so I wouldn't presume to comment on your desirability. Kindly accord us women in your general age bracket the same courtesy."

I was stating the blatantly obvious. I wasn't making any slurs on women. Everything being equal, in every respect, except age, not only a man, but anyone, would choose the younger one.

"And, sorry, I am 45 but not interested in 60 year olds. If the alternative is to be alone, according to your wisdom, well, guess what...I won't bettling for the man who pops Viagra who thinks he deserves a woman 10-20 years younger."

I agree. All I meant was, cast a wider net. I'm not saying link up with a 60 yo, but a guy who is 52? Is that close enough?

"By the way, if you are attracting women 10-20 years younger, my bet is you have a good income. Trust me, these women wouldn't give you the time of day of you worked at Walmart."

Heheheeeee, Thats a moot point/ bad analogy. Funny though. If I worked at Walmart, no one would give me the time of day.

I was agreeing with the original poster. I must have typed it wrong. All I though I was doing is stating the very very obvious. In case anyone was interested. And no, I am not some woman hating malcontent in the minority. It isn't fair, I understand that, but that is the way it is for the most part, at least for men who find themselves alone in their 40's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 10:34pm

But most men alone in their 40s are single for good reason....back to your original point...the emotionally healthy men marry women at or close to their own age in their 20s or early 30s.

I prefer men my own age, give or take five years. But hey, that's just me. And the Walmart comment, well, hell it's true. Do you think Tiger Woods would have this beautiful blonde woman or Howard Stern would be getting young hot chicks if they weren't hauling in the dough? Lets get real here. If a guy were average looking 45, and a plumber, he'd would never pull the younger, hot women. You didn't address my assertion about income. Well? Do you make over 50K/yr? Well, that's why you can "get" younger women. Sorry, it's not your sterling conversation or great looks.

I think men who look only at age are shallow...much as I think women who look at how a man dresses or the car he drives as shallow.

I still think that some men feel that their value is measured by how young/hot a chick they can snare...not on real love....how sad!

Again,nothing personal, but I'm grateful that there are men who
can see me as a person and not as an age...I just need to hook up with one of them who I also find attractive. By the by, I am more attractive, self-confident, and interesting than some women much younger than me.

Oh, another thing. I frequently get hit on by men 10-15 years younger than me. How do you like them apples???

Go for the Paris Hiltons or Britney Spears's..gee, they are so successful in love!! NOT!

I know that I am desirable, and will be when I'm 80, and if I never find my match, so be it. It won't be the end of the world. I truly believe that not everyone, no matter how desirable,beautiful, etc., will find his/her match.