Are we sabotaging ourselves?
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Are we sabotaging ourselves?
| Tue, 08-23-2005 - 11:15pm |
I sure hope I spelled that right, b/c I can't edit it!
I wonder...does the lack of excitement over meeting someone new sabotage our chances with him?

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K - I can NOT believe you have a date tonight and I didn't know! EMAIL ME!!! On second thought... I'm emailing you NOW! :p
I can TOTALLY relate to sometimes wishing there was someone there... i.e., the other night it was cooler out and just a great night to sit out on the balcony with someone and drink a glass of wine (or soda - whatever ;) :p ) and Little Dog didn't really seem like she wanted to do that! :( I wasn't even looking for someone to "talk" to... just someone who was there to enjoy the weather and the silence of the great evening! But then I got started doing my own thing and realized how lucky I was to have my own place and not have to doink with anyone else! :p Which leads me to my next reply...
I'm with ya sister! Oh, and you can always call or email and bitch about your crummy night at school if you want... maybe you want to wait till we've actual met though!? :p tehe
XO
okay wait first I have to reply to this...
"Would the guy sense that I was a little more into him and that might make the experience more positive for HIM? "
It's such a fine line... you want to act like you are interested in getting to know him but if you show TOO much enthusiasm he'll think you are wanting to marry him with only one phone conversation! So... it's almost like you have to play the game... act interested but make sure he knows he still needs to win you over... if he doesn't see it as a competition he might not want to play! :p ROTFLMAO
Anyway... I speak from RECENT experience as I'd FINALLY found a guy I was willing to give a chance and ACTUALLY meet! But apparently my enthusiasm - not just for him but for the fact that I'd made it to that level came through and he bolted! Men rock! :)
I can TOTALLY relate to this post! While I have many moments of wanting someone... I have just as many, if not more, moments where I'm perfectly happy with the life I lead! Being independent! It blows my mind because 10... 12 years ago I NEVER would have thought I could survive on my own... I thought I NEEDED a man - because opposite of you Jules - THAT was what was pretty much ingrained in me. I was going to grow up and be married and have babies - that's what my mom was supporting and what she had done. She'd fight for her marriage (even though she was finding other tidbits on the side) - she'd love her husband despite the OBVIOUS fact they'd grown apart as they'd aged. But you were a failure if you ended up alone!
Then I watched the divorce and held my mother's hand during the fallout and I'd say it was probably during those years I realized I'd NEVER end up like that! I'd either never marry - or I'd only marry if I was 189% sure it was it! And even then I'd be able to stand on my own two feet! I often proclaim (when checking the air in my tires, moving something rather heavy, hanging a curtain... etc) "I don't NEED a man!" And I really believe that! I'd LIKE to have one - the one that I think will feel like icing on the cake - but if I don't find him or he doesn't find me... I'm gonna be OKAY with myself! And it's true this mentality doesn't leave much room for just that old 1940s 1950s love! The kind that just was! It's sorta sad but it's really the way the world is in everything - not just love and relationships! Higher standards and not settling for less have become a way of life it seems! :( We aren't happy with just status quo!
Anyway... I could go on and on but this and my other posts should give PM PLENTY to work from! :p
You might be interested in reading "How Can I Get Through to You?" by Terrance Real. He's a psychologist in Boston who's done a lot of research re relationships, and the book is basically about this issue...that women no longer "need" men to take care of them physically and financially, but they WANT men to be there for them emotionally. But many men (especially in my age group--I'm 46--and older) weren't socialized this way, and so they have no idea HOW to support their partners emotionally. His conclusion is basically that men need to adapt because times have changed and they are NOT going to change back, and if they don't change with the times, they are going to be faced with a lifetime of unfulfilling relationships.
Sheri
thanks for the reading suggestion! I like books like that! :)
Funny thing is... we women will put in all the time studying up when it's the MEN that need to read it and learn to ADAPT to the changing times but they don't care - and they have NO interest in putting in the effort. I just perused through some more personal profiles and gave up... aside from ALL the guys in my search results mentioning he is a "laid back guy who likes to have fun" and ofcourse they ever popular "I'll try anything once" catch line... they have just as much if not MORE critical criteria for who they are looking for than I do. There's no WAY I (or most girls) can live up to what most of these guys out there are looking for! It's disgusting! Anyway... I had to rant because I just came from there so... :p
XO
I hear ya...and one of the conclusions the author comes to is that it often takes their marriage or even multiple marriages falling apart and for them to be in a whole lot of pain, for men to get help...but at least SOME of them do at that point.
It's a depressing read, over all, because I agree that few men will seek out help, but it also explains a whole lot, which in a way makes it easier to deal with.
Sheri
I have been out of the loop over the last two and a half weeks or so but I just ran across this thread and was completely riveted. I don't think women realize that there are SO MANY of us running into the same sorts of conundrum's when it comes to being an independent woman.
I would guess that men experience the same sorts of low points associated with being self sufficient/fulfilled while simultaneously experiencing this nagging loneliness that comes and goes. However, I never hear men express such feelings. Yeah, I've read some posts on here that perhaps hint about their dealing with these feelings but, men just don't seem to be as frank with the topic.
It's not that we're whiners. I guess some men choose to perceive it that way but for many of us, it's quite confusing. We were raised (some of us) by these Susie Homemakers whose goals were so very different from the goals of young women today. I gag every time I hear someone say, little girls are born thinking about their prince on his white horse and their wonderful white wedding. I think that is changing. There are more and more women (some of them raising their children on their own, not that there are not some men out there doing the same) who are teaching their daughters to be completely self sufficient, who are stressing the importance of a good education/career choice. In TN alone the number of SAT's being taken is rising and the scores are improving consistently.
For those of us who put a lot of stock into certain themes when it comes to men and their thought processes, we don't know what to do with ourselves. There are SO MANY mixed messages. We hear, "You should try to appear less independent. Men want to feel as if they are needed." Then we hear, "Don't call him, let him call you. Men don't like needy or desperate women." I mean, come on, does that look needy or is it just a case of having a healthy sense of self and not caring about how initiating contact or carrying our own luggage may look.
I'm not implying that dating or finding a mate in today's society is a hopeless situation but one must admit that there is a grey area where perception is concerned and, it does go both ways. I'm sure men must get just as confused. I guess the best advice to myself would be: not to take everything as fact. Don't categorize or stereotype men as tempting and as easy as that may seem. Every man has grown up with different stimuli, obstacles and/or advantages. Also, I'm going to be myself from here on out and follow my instincts. If I am judged as a result, so be it.
Unfortunately, there isn't a formula for finding a soul mate. I guess life isn't supposed to be that easy. "It's not about the destination, it's all about the journey."
I enjoyed reading every last post on this thread. I could relate to most all of them and it's very good to know that I am not alone out here ; )
Thanks.
Edited 9/1/2005 1:51 pm ET ET by bbw_26
bbw 26...
You HIT A HOME RUN with Pianoguy today!
There's nothing I can possibly add to your last post...except that I hope every woman (and man) who visits this board READS IT!
Best wishes and warm thoughts...
Pianoguy
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