Are we unforgiving?

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Are we unforgiving?
10
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 11:47am

When I write "we," I'm referring to society in general, not just people who are single- although I think it applies.


I started thinking about this the day that the miners were found dead in the mine.

Avatar for mhash
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Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 12:36pm

Forgiveness and grace... ahhh.. nice topic especially in relationships. Underlying that is holding onto anger... I do not want to focus and use up energy being angry at someone. If the person contintues to exhibit behavior that I find it intolerable then I distance myself from that person but to be always angry?

I find myself being annoyed with my older brother in Boston for what I *judge* as behavior that is self-centered.. but I OWN that judgment.. and I am aware that it is up to me to find that understanding and compassion to be at place where I want to be. I recognize in the long run, it is up to me and it is wasted energy to be annoyed/angry/mad...

I have the view that people come with good intentions (like you mentioned). We all do and say things that are perfectly logical within our own constructs, value system, experiences whether we are conscious of that or not. To KNOW that there is a *reason* for our/the other's behavior helps to give grace.

It comes down to comdemning/not tolerating the behavior, loving the person. I use having children as an example of this.

Mark

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Registered: 12-13-2005
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 9:16pm

unfortunately I know I'm a bit of a cynic and while I WANT to be forgiving and compassionate, and I do think people are too quick to sue, point the finger and condemn - I tend to think most people don't come with good intentions. At least not now-a-days. It's a me-society and therefore most people (not all) come with me-intentions. yes it's true I have a very grave opinion of today's world! I'm sorry I'll sign off now.

Oh but Mark - I have an older brother that sounds simliar to yours... how do we find the "understanding and compassion" when (I don't know about you but) I want to have a relationship with my brother and have that close sibiling feeling... that I can't seem to get because he's too busy with "his" life that I'm not really apart of!?

Anyway... good topic shywon. I look forward to other replies because I know mine... sucks! :p

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 10:25pm

I feel like we can be unforgiving but I think it's more about fear than anything.

We fear we'll get hurt, be betrayed, lose money or time or something we love. So, instead of giving second chances or the benefit of the doubt, we just shut down altogether.

Just sort of my theory as of right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Sun, 01-15-2006 - 11:52pm

I think we're unforgiving because at times we cant forgive ourselves.

Rubyshoes

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Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 11:05am

This topic really hit a cord with me because I feel the same way. I feel like many people have forgotten what it really means to love and forgive and in today's disposable society find it much easier to bail on a realtionship than truly forgive someone who has made a mistake. I was completely burned by this myself...I was dating a man I was going to marry and because of a lot of fears about marriage I have (due to my parent's bad marriage), I told him I needed some time to think things through and possibly date other people to make sure HE was the right one...not because I didn't ever think he was the right one, I was just freaking out about marriage...of course, after thinking about it for a few days I realized I was truly in lvoe with him and that it had been all my fears talking--I didn't want to date anyone else but was truly ready to marry him...of course, he could never forgive me and said my "doubts" had killed our love...and that killed me. How could someone who had professed to "love" me just days earlier not seek to understand why I had done what I did and realize it wasn't personal but it was actually about MY fears and MY issues and not about my love for him? How could someone who claimed to love me just move on and marry someone else a year later? It seems to me real love doesn't even exist these days...people seem to forget that sometimes people do things out of anger, hurt, fear that they never really mean, yet it seems as a society we have become immune to that. We expect people to be perfect and never seek to understand or talk through it when they are not.

Its interesting two people used examples of their brothers in this post because I learned the importance of forgiveness partly through the experience above and partly through the experience a friend of mine had with her brother....she was in the exact same situation--she felt her brother was very selfish and thus pretty much alienated herself from him, always had harsh judgments of him, etc. Well one day she got a call that her brother had died in a car accident. He was only 32 years old. I know she would now give anything to go back and try to talk through her issues with him and not be so judgmental of him--but now she will never get the chance. I guess that's a perfect example of why I think its necessary to try and understand someone than simply judge or refuse to forgive...I truly believe most people are NOT bad people and do not have bad motives, so if they are doing something to hurt you it is likely either (i) you don't understand where they are coming from, or (ii) they don't understand where you are coming from, and a little communication could go a long way. You never know when it will be the last day you get to talk to them... so I guess to me, why waste your time in holding grudges or being judgmental? I really wish as a society more people realized this....

Avatar for northwestwanderer
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Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-16-2006 - 12:54pm

Interesting topic. With respect to the miner situation, I know one of my first thoughts after thinking "oh, those poor families" was, "oh, that poor person who made the mistake, they must feel terrible".

With respect to guys, though, right now I'm in an unforgiving mood, particularly with respect to issues of reliability vs. flakiness. *Every* time I give a guy the benefit of the doubt and give him another chance (sometimes many other chances), it comes back to bite me and I get kicked in the teeth. So I'm pretty much at the point of "one strike and you're out". Because if you're supposedly putting your best dating foot forward and you're STILL flaky and unreliable, imagine how he's going to be when he gets comfortable! IF the guy apologizes and has a good reason, I might give him another shot, but only one.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 4:19pm

I consider myself a very forgiving person, but I agree with Sheri that it has become sort of difficult in the dating scene after being blown off or treated poorly.

When it comes down to it, I suppose I can think that the guys are trying to make the best of dating in the 21st century as well and none of us are perfect. I, too, have been guilty of not returning a phone call or e-mail from time to time and I need to remember that, forgive and forget.

It is much easier for me to be forgiving of people closest to me. Although, the older brother discussion from the other posters made me think about a situation with my oldest sister. We had our first fight ever about 6 months ago, and I am not sure I have fully forgiven her yet.

Good topic. I guess we are less tolerant than we perceive ourselves to be.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 01-17-2006 - 7:08pm

I think screwing up is a part of life, and unless I think someone has had cruel intentions, I can usually forgive them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2005
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 6:36pm
I'm a very forgiving person, especially when someone apologizes.
Avatar for cl_shywon
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Sun, 01-22-2006 - 7:41pm

Lying and cheating are conscious acts with cruel intentions.