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| Mon, 08-20-2007 - 12:55pm |
It's been a little over a month since I broke up with my boyfriend. We dated eight months, which is a record for both of us.... Neither of us had felt anything for anyone in the past ten years since each other. But as the relationship continued, he did things that pushed me away in the end. Even after we discussed moving in togeter, marriage, children and even adopted a dog together.
How do guys, when they obviously are in love with a woman, push them away? These issues are his own and he has acknowleged he is the one with issues, not me. That I am an amazing woman with so much to offer. He even told me that I would be a wonderful mother and wife.
I am in love with this man and I don't know how to get back to normal. I still cry daily. I am not used to being so emotinally out of control. I plan to see a counselor once classes resume next week. it will be the first time for me.
I guess my question is this, how do you get back to normal, knowing that if the other person could just get his sh*t together, everything would be better? We could go back to normal and be happy again? One moment I am compassionate towards him and the next, I just want to call him up and scream at him!
His parents called him ten times in one week after they visted wondering about us. They fell in love with me and even told me that if I am not the woman he is supposed to marry, nobody is. They want us together and for him to be happy, but he just isn't doing anything about it.
How do I move on? Does anybody have an answer?

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Oh, I can definitely empathize--I was in a relationship for *4 years* with a guy who had commitment issues. It took me a good 3 years to get over that (in large part because I allowed him to keep in contact with me). What really helped me was finding (about 2 years post-breakup) the book "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter. That book helped me accept that unless and until he got counseling to deal with his issues, he simply wasn't capable of being the man I wanted him to be.
Once I started the process of accepting that (and cut off contact) I was able to get over him and we are actually friends now (10 years later--it took a good year or so of no contact for me to get to that point though). But he still has the same issues--he's currently involved with a married woman, and I was able to joke with him that that sounded perfect for him given his commitment issues! I'm just glad that I no longer have to deal with his issues--I can be detached and care for him on a purely platonic basis for the things that I do like about him, and leave the rest for her to deal with, LOL.
Sheri
>>Does anybody have an answer?
I do. But I won't say what it is. The answer is in the movie 'Sound of Music'. Rent it, watch it. It's worth a watch. But it is not until the end you will know what the answer is. Liesl (oldest daughter of Capt von Trapp, 17 y/o) gets dumped by Rolfe,18, when he joins Hitler's Youth forces. In tears, she asks Maria (the governess) what to do. Maria replies.
So go ahead, rent it from Blockbuster , watch it and report back tomorrow. And please, DO NOT Google.
Edited 8/20/2007 1:32 pm ET by capegirardeau
A month really isn't that long to grieve. Even though the relationship was rather short, it can still take a really long time to get over it.
I'm wondering though, if there weren't problems in your relationship all along. I'm not saying there were, but I do wonder about it. I'm not sure that if he just got his sh*t back together you could be in love again. Perhaps all along there were committment issues on his part.
And, I think anger is a healthy emotion.
I think you also have to be ready to let go. It sounds a bit like you aren't ready yet--and that's OK given the short time frame. There is a really good book called "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" and I'm sure you can buy it for like 5 cents used on Amazon. It's an easy read and has lots of wonderful and comforting advice about grieving and moving on. Obviously, you'll want to spend time with good friends, and try to get out and do some things you enjoy if you can. You don't need to devote 23 hours a day to feeling bad.
But I'm sorry for your difficulty. It's always sad when things don't work out, regardless of the reasons or whether it was the "right" thing to do. Please take care of yourself.
I thought I was such a strong person before this relationship. Truth is, I barely let anyone in for fear of being so hurt like this.... I guess I needed to go through what I am dealing with in order to learn and grow. Also, I tend to get myself in relationships with men who have commitment issues. I don't search them out, I let the guys come to me and then I decide whether I want to move forward or not, so I am not sure why I keep attracting the same guy. Especially since I had no problem in the past getting rid of them before it got too far. On the other hand, my ex did not exhibit the "typical" commitment issues I have seen in the past and keep wondering how I missed the signs.
But the ex is reading a book I gave him. He read the first chapeter yesterday. And has told me he plans to see a counselor because he does want to learn why he does what he does... I told him if he were to get help I would stand by his side and only be his friend until he can get things straightened out. But maybe I am hurting myself more? Not unlike your situation, we're really good friends. That's also what's hard to walk away from.
Yeah, you need to cut off contact if you are going to move on. I would leave it that if and when he feels ready to resume a committed relationship with you (and he's had, say, at least 6 months of counseling under his belt), then he should get into contact with you but otherwise, you need to not have contact with him in the meantime.
If you are truly friends, he'll understand, and you'll be able to reconnect as friends down the road once you're completely over your romantic feelings for him (assuming he doesn't decide he's ready to try again in the meantime).
Sheri
First of all. {{{HUGSSSS}}} No pain like the loss of someone close to you pain.
Second, one thing about intimate relationships bring up is your "stuff." That is the good and the bad of it for it gives us opportunity to grow. I crave to have a relationship where each of us is willing to hang in there so we can both grow. It really is about me, i.e. intimacy, relationship pushes buttons, brings up family-of-origin wounds and hangups, and our "shadow self."
For me I know I need a partner who is self aware enough to be willing to own their sh*t and work on it for I am willing to do the same. I want a true intimate relationship and in my mind, in order to have that then we both need to do that.
Take care,
Mark
I pay attention to the patterns that show up in my life. My issue was attracting angry women. It was not obvious in terms of noticing at the initial encounters for these women were kind and compassionate. It just they had this unconconscious undercurrent of resentment toward men that did not manifest in obvious behavioral ways like yelling and screaming.
I realized that it came down to my family-of-origin where my Mother was this angry woman and the reason was that she had a distant father. I read that women with emotionally distant fathers that even though they explicitly love their fathers, they have this unconscious resentment for not being there for them.
I have done a LOT of work on myself and know that the sign of my spiritual and psychological health are the people I attract in my life. I'm getting better. We'll see on my next (and hopefully last) partner.
Take care,
Mark
It is a vicious cycle. I do have trust issues and the more I date the same type of guy, the worse it gets. I plan on discussing this while I go to counseling. Whether guys chase me when they're not actually single to falling for men who are obviously in love with me, yet push me away, are issues that keep occuring and I want to know why.
I myself do a lot of self-reflection. I owe that to myself personally and professionally since I am in my last year of graduate school for clinical counseling. I need to figure this out not only for my personal life but as an upcoming counselor, as well. I need to get my sh*t in order, albeit, I don't have quite as much as my ex.
I agree with what everyone else had to say.
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