Babbling...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Babbling...
17
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 12:55pm

It's been a little over a month since I broke up with my boyfriend. We dated eight months, which is a record for both of us.... Neither of us had felt anything for anyone in the past ten years since each other. But as the relationship continued, he did things that pushed me away in the end. Even after we discussed moving in togeter, marriage, children and even adopted a dog together.

How do guys, when they obviously are in love with a woman, push them away? These issues are his own and he has acknowleged he is the one with issues, not me. That I am an amazing woman with so much to offer. He even told me that I would be a wonderful mother and wife.

I am in love with this man and I don't know how to get back to normal. I still cry daily. I am not used to being so emotinally out of control. I plan to see a counselor once classes resume next week. it will be the first time for me.

I guess my question is this, how do you get back to normal, knowing that if the other person could just get his sh*t together, everything would be better? We could go back to normal and be happy again? One moment I am compassionate towards him and the next, I just want to call him up and scream at him!

His parents called him ten times in one week after they visted wondering about us. They fell in love with me and even told me that if I am not the woman he is supposed to marry, nobody is. They want us together and for him to be happy, but he just isn't doing anything about it.

How do I move on? Does anybody have an answer?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: kcole68
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 12:16am

Sheri,
Thanks so much for recomending the book, "He scared, She's scared". I actually bought this book years ago and never read it. It's amazing that it was totally what I needed now. I read the majority of it tonight and it makes more sense to me what my ex was doing.... It's very clear, actually. Whereas before, it wasn't and that was what I was stuggling most with. And I have to say for the first time in about six weeks, I am so thankful it ended where it did and not later. It's like the light bulb totally came on for me and I don't feel so hurt anymore. I still struggle with "Am I that passive commitment phobe"? I don't know, maybe in some sense. But I also have broken off relationships that were more clearly defined. This one was not, but after reading the book, I saw so much of us in the other people's stories.

Thanks again for recommending this book!

I have to ask, did your ex want to come back after you decided to cut ties and if so, how did you completely end it? I have strength tonight, but am affraid of becoming weak again....

Kcole

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
In reply to: kcole68
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 10:11am
Now that you have seen the movie I suggested, what did you think of the answer ?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: kcole68
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 10:00am
I actually have not had time to watch. Want to tell me anyway :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
In reply to: kcole68
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 12:23pm

Yes, I've been through this. I went back to him once because I knew "if only he got his **** together, then..."

Know what? He didn't have it together the second time around and I got hurt even worse. Crushed.

That was three years ago. I still love him, I still think of him, I know he still loves me -- but it would never work out until he figures out how to address his own issues. I don't want him back, and I'm ready to love someone else.

So, I moved on by deciding that he was going to stay in denial about his stuff for many years and I didn't have that kind of time to waste. Moving on meant valuing myself more than I ever had before, and it meant living in reality rather than "if onlys."

It is so hard. I definitely validate you on that, but the most important thing for you right now is taking care of YOU and setting your own rules for what you will and will not accept in a relationship.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
In reply to: kcole68
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 2:29pm

Thank you :) I was nice to hear somebody else verbalize they had the same feelings of thinking about giving it another try. I have tried to keep my distance with him and I have noticed it getting a little easier, but still not easy. Nor do I feel 100% in general or anywhere near it.

I do know that if we were to get back together right now, it would end the same way. So that is not an option right now. I did get an email from him on Monday telling me that he had made an appointment to see a counselor. He is aware of his issues and says he wants to know why he keeps pushing people away, more so why he pushed me away. I want him to do this for himself, yet I know he is doing it for me because he told me. No matter how it ends, I do want to see him happy and successful, so hopefully he will get some good use out of therapy.

In the meantime, I am going to see a counselor myself. My first appointment is tomorrow and it will be my first time. So instead of pushing him to do the right thing, I am now focusing on myself. Everything else will come in time and it's up to him to get his own issues worked through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
In reply to: kcole68
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 2:45pm

That's good that he's seeing a counselor - a good sign that he cares about his future, if he continues. My guy went to a few sessions with me, but didn't continue when she hit on a few sore spots he wasn't yet ready to face. So, I hope for his sake he decides to go back later to work on those things. Like you, I want him to be happy in his life, and it's hard to imagine him reliving the same issues over and over again because he refuses to face them.

Good for you for going to a counselor as well. I went after my ex and I broke up, and she really helped me find more inner strength than I ever knew I had. Good luck, and remember to take all of this one day at a time.

AJ, enjoying life with C.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: kcole68
Tue, 08-28-2007 - 4:39pm

I am attracted to people who own their sh&+. Plus I know that the only person that I can change is myself. AND I would rather not try to warp myself in changing just to be with someone too. There are too many other challenges to be in a close relationship for me to deal with if one party does not want to do the work and is not somewhat compatible.

Take care on doing your "work."

Mark

Pages