Back in the saddle again

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Back in the saddle again
6
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 8:18pm
Ok...so here's the deal...I'm 27 (almost 28-so almost 30 YKES) and recienly divorced. I was with my husband for 10 years, married for 4. I never thought in a million years I would be out in the dating world again, but here I am...and I have no idea where to begin. Most of our friends wer his friends and my childhood fiends have mostly moved away and have families of their own. I am curriently trying to find a job and a new place to live, and not really looking to date just yet...but the anxiety about it is overwhelming. What if someone asks me out? What do I do? I haven't dated since High School...and even then it was my husband. WOW...don't I sound like a loser! Anyway, I know the rules have changed. I am a blonde, brown eye, 5'10", single, living in So Cal, so I know there are men out there for me. But I am not willing to settle again. But I am also scared to death! I have only slept with 2 men...and never been on the true "adult" dating circuit where you meet people out socially and exchange numbers at bars and things...HELP!!!!! I need a real education!!! If anyone as any info it would be GREATLY appreciated!

Thanks!

Heather

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 8:34pm
tips from a guy:

if a guy asks for your number and you like him, give it to him. if you're not sure about this guy, give him your cell number instead of your home number.

if he doesn't call within a week, forget he ever existed.

if he calls, keep the phone call short and to the point.

on a first date, its about how you feel around him. if he makes you feel bored, creeped out, or angry, its not a good sign.

he doesn't need to know where you live on a first date.

kissing on a first date is ok. probably not a good idea to go beyond that.

better to err on the side of "slowness" than going too fast...

always use protection!

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 9:57pm

Hmm...my tips for dating.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 12:29am
I would focus on friendships (both genders) rather than focusing on jumping back into dating. Common wisdom and advice from therapists is to get to know YOU first, the person who is not attached/dating/in relationship with another. They recommend to have a relationship with yourself first. Knowing someone since you were 17 means that you really did not have time or opportunity to define who you are as an individual. This is the opportune time to do so. Good luck.

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 10:21am
First of all, get your OWN life together. All the dating advice in the world isn't gonna matter if you come across as desperate and needy--and that's what'll happen if you date "before your time."

It seems to me that once you have your own life squared away--job, home, self--you become more "centered" in your own life and so will be less anxious about meeting people and finding another r'ship. You yourself said that you're "not really looking to date just yet." Once your own house is "in order," then "the anxiety about it" that now "is overwhelming" WON'T be. Worse still, you might let yourself in for a carbon copy of your recent bad experience, just b/c that's all you've ever known to this point and you weren't willing to wait for someone different.

Take a deep breath, settle down, put your life back together first--and THEN worry about your renewing your dating card. Think about finding some new friends first, and then your social life will revive of its own volition; things like that have a way of doing so, so just be patient and take care of the business of your life right now.

Ash


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 11:01am
BAsically, you need to get out in the real world and create a "great life" by YOUR standards, efforts, definitions and means.

That way - you're not living on somenoe else's terms, adn living by their standards "just to have a relationship".

That's what you did the first time...you weren't a complete, secure, successful, happy, independent adult by YOUR definitions, efforts, means, and standards.

You chose someone to be with that met your needs, comforted your fears, and allowed you to "forget" that you had a responsibility tto yourself and to your own destiny.

Happiness, success, and security aren't found in situations, locations, possessions, or positions. They're personally defined and achieved emotional status quos...which you have to define, achieve and maintain on your own....so that a partner is not chosen because you 'need a life' or have obligations you don't think you can live up to on your own.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 10-24-2003 - 11:17am
Thank you all for your advise and support! I'm really not looking now and probably won't be for a long time...but I know that when your not looking that's when it usually happens. It's just scary! Thanks again!

Heather!