Back to square one

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Back to square one
41
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 8:19pm

T and I broke up last night.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Mon, 04-02-2007 - 8:51pm

Dating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 10:56am

Shywon, I'm also really sorry to hear that things didn't work out. At least he was man enough to be honest baout how he felt, if that's any consolation. I hate when people just do the disappearing act. I also don't think she should have to start acting bitchy to get a guy. Stay true to who you are.

But you did bring up something that I find curious and that is your assertion that perhaps some of these men while they say they want an independent woman, maybe some really don't. One thing I have noticed in common with all my single friends is that we are all very independent and financially stable. I often wonder myself if some men really do want a woman that needs them.

Anyway, it just makes me think. Sorry for the threadjack.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 12:56pm
I think a man wants to be needed, or saying it in a healthier way "wanted". We can still be independent women but really want someone in our lives and be ok asking for help sometimes. I notice I have a hard time asking for and accepting help. Sometimes the guys like to take care of us too like paying for dinner a lot, fixing stuff around the house for us. They like to feel important and that we do need them around for certain things KWIM? I think there is a fine balance of being "needy" vs allowing them to help us and be there for us.
Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 1:23pm

The funny thing is that I tried to find things he could help me with on purpose b/c I know he needed to feel needed.

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 1:44pm

So I don't understand why breaking up over the phone is bad for you women?

What I think what is respectful is the opportunity to talk with the other which requires an medium that accommodates interactivity, e.g. face-to-face and phone.

Email and texting and letter are one-way communications which does not allow the other person to respond in real time.

Ultimately in the long run, what's the point? I realize that it does not matter what is the reason why the person is dumping you/me. I may want to know at the time but in reality and in the long run, it does not make a difference what the reason is. I know that is hard emotionally at the time but for me that what it comes down to.

I've been dumped by email and found it sucky. What made it worse the reasons she listed were not the real reasons why she dumped me. I see relationships are self selecting, i.e. if it does not work out from either party then it was not meant to be regardless of the reason(s).

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 1:50pm
Being independent is a good thing and you will attract the right kinds of guys in the future that will appreciate you for your independence and will like the fact that you make them feel needed once in awhile. Healthy men want independent women because they know that they can take care of themselves.
I also think it's a really good idea NOT to jump into a relationship right away. I had a habit of doing that in the past and I hope to god that I wont' do it again if me and my boyfriend were to break up. I would hope someone would try to knock some sense into me if I did.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-27-2004
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 1:56pm
I find it way too impersonal to break up over the phone, especially if it's a long term relationship with someone that you loved. I would like to see facial expressions and want the guy to be brave enough to tell it like it is. I know if it's in person vs the phone the reason doesn't change, but it helps me to get closure more when it's in person and a reason is given. It's more respectful overall this way and shows me that at least my feelings are important enough to him for him to make an effort to meet with me and let me know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2005
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 2:15pm

I agree Mark. I think breaking up over the phone (unless it was on an answering machine) is fine, you can interact with the person.

But email SUCKS!

Smile,

Deirdre

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 2:59pm

I agree. I actually prefer breaking up over the phone. That way he doesn't see my facial expression or my tears. A lot guys, especially when they really want out, prefer to do it this way. That way he doesn't have to face the tears.

But when I broke up with someone I did it face to face but there were more tears from me than there were from him!




Edited 4/3/2007 3:36 pm ET by ivil_mami25
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2006
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 5:43pm

Breaking up over the phone might be okay if it isn't a long term relationship, but I think there is a point where out of respect for the other person and yourself that it needs to be done face to face. No matter how hard or emotional things might become- if you are the one breaking things off, you know that is probably how things are going to unfold. As for email, don't get me started. My ex emailed his way out of a three year relationship with a couple of sentences, and the follow up phone call I initiated wasn't much longer. When did people start thinking that email is an acceptable means of ending relationships?

But back to the main topic of the thread- sorry to hear about the break up. I wish I had words of wisdom, but I don't, so all I can do is spare you of all the things you wish people didn't say.