BAD set up... want a good laugh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
BAD set up... want a good laugh?
53
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 4:15pm

Okay there are BAD dates and there are BAD dates, this is seriously one of the top three WORST fixups I have ever been on.

My friend's husband PUSHED me to go out with this guy, not for a few weeks, but for a year. I think since my ex and I broke up I was a bit vulnerable--- and based on the fact that I heard this guy was in his mid 40's and never married--- had nixed him a year ago. When does "no" not mean no?

But, he kept INSISTING that this guy was a "quality" guy. He told me he was VERY successful attractive, wants to get married and have a family. He wanted to set me up, even though he didn't know if he was single--- so this was Dave pushing me to go out with him, not even the other way around.

I said, well as long as he's not like 47, okay. Well this guy was 47--- and I trully believe a virgin. No joke--- MAYBE he had sex a few times in his life, but I would put a bet down on his virginity. Something wasn't right with this guy.

First off, we spoke on the phone--- the guy has never even been CLOSE to getting married. So I knew, this was a bust but I just tried to meet him for coffee so Icould report that I met him back to Dave. I honestly expected him to dorky, but not THIS bad.

Okay, then I suggested we meet for coffee---he said he had to do "his fantasy baseball league" first but he would call me back if he could. So, I went downstairs to do my laundry--- I came back 25 minutes later--- he had called--- not once, but THREE times wondering where I was. The first time, he kept saying "hello, hello? Hello"--- For two minutes on my answering machine. Apparently he didn't know difference between live and an answering machine??? Then a minute later he was like "I thought we were going out where did you go?" The third, he called me on my cell (which was listed on my machine in case you need to get a hold of me right away). Uh... yeah!

Okay, upon meeting this person--- he looks his age---47. Which is probably the best compliment I could give him. He was obese (40-50 lbs. overweight) ---- and not well groomed. He had on these weird jeans with a belt that showed off his egg shaped body.

(Just to give you guys I picture, I run marathons, am a size 4, well educated, age 35, and I've had a serious relationships before)

We went to a bar (my suggestion) because Starbucks was packed. I found out that he had financial problems (even though he came here in '83 he was still renting until 4 years ago)--- he told me that he couldn't afford to buy a one bedroom condo until a few years ago. He then told me how he rented a cheap apartment from an old lady and how she wouldn't cash his checks--- and when she did it would over draft his account--- because he didn't know how to balance his checkbook! He has clearly has financial problems.

He kept apologzing for wearing "not a brown jacket" since I guess he told me that he would be wearing a brown one. He sweated profusely as well.

I asked him about relationships--- like I said 47 never married--- he told me that he has never been close. The longest relationship he's been in (which I don't even believe him) is "A year, maybe a year and a quarter." (who says that? a year and a quarter???) He told me that he's met women that are not interested in him, or vise versa. Clearly, he's never had a serious girlfriend. (I still believe the guy is a virgin!)--- he's got financial issues, he's not athletic (buy hey he is a GREAT bridge player), he's never traveled to Europe, he's completely unattractive and doesn't know how to groom (needed a hair cut, shave, wadrobe makeover)--- oh and the best--- that part that Dave tried to sell me the most--- he wants children. SO when I asked him he tells me he feels he's too old to have kids--- and wait it gets better--- he is SO desperate to meet someone--- that he doesn't care if they want kids or not--- he just needs "to meet someone to have a companion"--- WHAT ON EARTH about this guy is quality???

I told him flat out that the reason I was looking for marriage (besides companionship) was to have kids--- and if someone didn't feel the same, then we weren't on the same page. I am SO upset that Dave would even CONSIDER fixing me up with him! I am going to say something to his wife--- so she doesn't think I am a total bitch--- this guy has never met Dave's wife--- because I think she would say the same thing--- that something is WRONG with this guy.

I am just going to tell her that I am not attracted to obsese men, that he told me he had financial problems and that he feels he is past the age to have children. Because otherwise if I say "he's just not type" --- Dave will got back and tell her that I do not give "quality guys" a chance.

I know some of you just say to say "he's not my type" but I have TRIED repeatedly with Dave and I think that because he has a brother who is socially inept (like this man) and when he was first dating my friend--- he wanted to fix up his brother with any and ALL of her single friends--- and even she realized that her friends would HATE her if he did that.

Okay, I hope you have a good laugh...

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Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 5:53pm

Ariel, I'm afraid I didn't have a good laugh when reading your post. Quite frankly, I was rather put off by most of what you included in your colorful play by play.

Did it ever occur to you that there may be regular posters here who may be overweight, yes, myself included? Also, did it occur to you that some of us may have financial problems, may have never traveled to Europe, and may still be renting? These things do not make you a good, solid, stable person. They in my opinion do not mean that you are successful in life. Nor do they make you a good catch.

I am sure, had I been in your shoes(I've been there), that I would not have been interested in this guy either but I would hope that if anyone ever went out on a blind date with me, they would have found at least one thing positive to say.

Weight and financial circumstances are things which cannot be changed as easily as a shirt or tie. These are things that take time to rectify. They are not always an indicator that someone is irresponsible, lazy or unintelligent.

I happen to be single and am a year younger than you. It hurts my heart to "hear" someone be "spoken" about in such a judgmental fashion. I can only hope that I am able to dodge these types of people should I decide to hop back into the dating arena.

I'm sorry; I don't mean to bash you. I don't know you; you may be a lovely person. I just abhor judgmental elitists, and you very well may not be that way. This, after all, was just one bad date. If I were you, I'd just be happy that your friend tried to set you up with anyone, and let this go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 6:46pm
Hi, I just wanted to say that no one should judge anyone's feelings, that was her experience, and frankly this blind date was not a good match. If I were to set someone up on a blind date I would consider the match more than obviously this "Dave" one did. It was not even close to a lateral move, and not very often do opposites attract. You have to have something in common right, in order to feel some attraction? Who knows, the guy in this situation might not have had a lot of good to say about her either, it goes both ways. I myself am separated from my H, but find myself drawn to men who are - lets face it - not George Cloony-esque, because I myself am not drop dead gorgeous. I want a lateral move for my next partner. So I get it, hmm...not quite funny I agree, but it is amusing, and food for thought. I would love to see a statistic showing just how many blind dates really hit it off for the long term?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 7:14pm
I find it funny. Just because I've been set up with people who are clearly not my type, but I find it more amusing because my friend, and in your case your friend, thought this was a good match for you.
I'm sure this person you went out with is a very nice person and can really show his quality to Dave as he is more comfortable with Dave than with you. You mentioned his sweating which indicates how nervous he was. And how he repeatedly went on about his brown jacket, when someone is nervous they get stuck on mute points. Dave probably feels that this guy should be with someone and feels badly that he can't meet anyone. And Dave probably felt that you have enough integrity to give him a shot. Dave feels bad for him and wants to help the guy out.
When you give your reasons for not wanting a relationship with this guy I'd stick to the topics of him not wanting kids and just say you didn't really feel you hit it off or had that much in common. Don't burn bridges by bringing up qualities that can be viewed as "judgemental".
Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 7:50pm

It was her experience and I wouldn't want to make anyone feel as if they couldn't post about things such as blind dates, bad experiences, what have you. I'm not the message board police and I try to take age into consideration when reading things but in this instance. You know what, nevermind. People are just different I guess. I can't expect everyone to have the same mindset as myself. I suppose I need thicker skin, no pun intended.




Edited 4/14/2007 7:54 pm ET by cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 8:03pm

First off, there is no one type of person out there. I am "short" (at 5'2) to some, and I 6'7 guy might not want to go out with me based on that. I also am 35, which would probably turn off someone who is 25. The MAIN points is that my friend promised me someone that a. wanted a family and b. that was financially stable and who was a "quality guy". This guy was A LOT older than me as well, which because I want children, the IRONY there (that I asked prior to the date) was if he was considerably older, did he want children? And because of his age--- he did not. So I was right on the money without ever having met the guy.

I am an active physical person who is financially secure who desires children. To expect me to be attracted to a man who is not financially secure, does not want children, and obsese, is a lot older and doesn't have any interests even remotely similiar to mine--- that's a bad match. The kids things alone makes it a bad match! I am college and graduate educated, no offense, but the chances are pretty slim that I would date a blue collar guy considering my values about education. What if I told you the guy was a smoker or a gambler--- would I be judgmental then?

Similiar goals and values are not superficial. I date men who are bald, short, overweight and who have never traveled to Europe. But the fact that you seem to think that I should be "grateful for getting a date" sorry, that is ridiculous. That is exactely the problem--- that if someone promises you something and its not even CLOSE and the main values I hold as important (such as having children) or even being financially secure (trust me, the men I have met who are not, it is often because have essessive spending habits or gambling habits)--- those are basics. And to be attracted to someone who clearly does not adhere to basic grooming habits and also doesn't take care of himself physically? Come on, if it were that easy--- no one would be single. But this is a man at 47, who has NEVER had a serious romantic relationship in his life--- and obviously since this is not the norm--- how would be really be expected to get along in life?

And believe me as a 35 year old woman, I have A LOT of people who won't date me on my age alone, and even though you seem to feel there is a prejudice about your weight--- I even at a size 4, have heard from men that they only date women who are "a size 0 or 2 and have wash board abs"--- I kid you not! So, while I understand your point, please realize that no matter what size or what age you are, dating is not easy and being single is not easy.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 8:26pm

A friend of mine from work has mentioned a couple of times that she wants to set me up with a cousin of hers.

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 8:49pm

You contradicted yourself about dating someone with weight issues in this last post but I digress.

You know what; I guess I was just being sensitive. I completely understand where you are coming from. I just kept seeing the word obese over and over, the poor guy’s financial situation being scrutinized. I'm sorry, I just felt bad for him all of a sudden. The way you described him, very well I might add, I could imagine this broken person sitting across from this svelte, confident, successful girl, and hoping that he could somehow manage to impress her just enough to land a second date. I can imagine that his life has not been a bed of roses.

You have to understand I will almost always pull for the underdog. I think that most people who find themselves in these sorts of situations at his age probably have very good reasons for turning out the way they have. Mental illness, parents with mental illnesses, poverty, I mean, he WAS eventually able to purchase a condo. This may be something his parents only dreamed of doing. Perhaps he is quite proud of this ONE bedroom abode. This may very well be his biggest accomplishment in life. Then again, maybe not, maybe he had a privileged background and was spoiled to excess. Perhaps he will go on to win the Pulitzer?

By the way, I have an aunt, who at the age of 52 did not know how to fill out a check, much less, how to balance her check book. My mother had to teach her after my uncle passed away. Was this her fault? Of course it was, she could have asked someone years ago, perhaps her husband, to teach her. Do I fault her for not knowing how? No. I realize this guy wasn't related to you. Had he been, perhaps your summation would have been very different but again, I don't know you.

I'm not going to back down on the judgmental tip. My stance remains the same. However, I realize that everyone judges and if they say that they do not, they are a liar. I myself probably judge others every single day. It's just an ugly fact and I wish that people could or would stop to think for a second before forming such critical opinions of others, myself included.

This is just how I am made up. I don't mean to offend you further. I am truly sorry that you had such an awful date. At least you found the humor in it. I can't apologize for how I felt when I read your original post but I can tell you that I am sorry for the way I reacted to it. I took it personally and it wasn't, it's as simple as that.




Edited 4/14/2007 8:55 pm ET by cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 8:56pm

First off you guys are taking the "quality" thing out of context. The way I took it, funny enough, was Dave told me that the men I was not meeting were "quality", so he now had someone that was "quality". So my judgment of the men I met was OFF and they were not quality? Its totally subjective, but this comment is being BLOWN out of proportion.

Secondly, the guy was 47 and had not EVER had a serious romantic relationship. That is NOT the norm in society okay, and MAYBE how this guy came across had something to do with it. I even believed the guy was a VIRGIN, which again considering it is not the norm either, there IS probably a reason for it.

Lastly, I said he was OBESE, not overweight as some of you are pointing out--- and I was careful to use the correct terminology. And again, if my habits surround marathon training (as I mentioned) and traveling--- what would this man and I have in common?

Now, for the record, "quality" is subjective--- so, because my past relationships didn't work out--- the men weren't quality and this guy was? I was sold that this guy and I had a LOT in common--- and he would be SO much better than who I have been meeting on my own. That to me, shocks me that Dave pushed me SO hard to date someone who was significantly older because he had everything SO MUCH MORE TOGETHER than men in their 30's. And I find out that not only were we not on the same page because of kids, but this guy has social issues!

Lastly, I will say this--- the last man I dated--- had financial issues--- he didn't own a condo, and after knowing him I figured out that he made a TON of money ($175k a year or more) and spent it on expensive clothes and gambled. He also told me that he couldn't afford a family on his salary! So when I speak of values and being "financially secure"--- I think I have every right to ask that I meet someone that doesn't have a gambling problem--- or think its more important to go out to a $300 dinner once a week than it is owning a condo. But the guy on the date--- was LOW functioning--- I told you that he told me he was INCAPABLE of balancing a checkbook!

So, sorry if this wasn't a laugh for some of you, but again I am the one who should feel offended that I am incapable of meeting "quality" men (whatever that means!) --- but Dave knows them!

Avatar for cfk_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-1999
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 9:09pm

LOL, I have put you on the defensive haven't I? I don't think you were compatible with this guy nor do I think you should have given him a second chance. Some of your wording could have been different but as I indicated in another post, in this thread, but to a different poster, people are different. I can't expect everyone to think the same way I do and thank goodness they do not. OMG.

I looked up the word obese and I honestly thought that it meant 100 lbs or more over the average for a certain height but all it said was "overweight". I just don't think obese when someone is 30 or 40 pounds overweight. I happen to carry my weight very well and most people are shocked at how overweight I actually am. I would never describe myself as being obese but apparently you would, LOL. You know what, that's okay with me but I wouldn't want to hear you say those words or read them. It would hurt. Do you understand? Maybe a little bit? I am not hoping for an apology from you or anything. You have every right to fell the way you do, I'm just trying to shed some light on why I reacted as I did.

Of course you should be allowed to be attracted to like individuals with like minds, goals, habits, etc, this is not where I took issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 9:57pm

Look, obviously you are sensitive because of your weight, and in my case, my nerve gets struck on my age (because people think at 35 something MUST be wrong with me if a girl like me has not been married!).

Dating is hard. Being around married friends who "think" they know what you need or want I even think can be harder.

But on technical issues--- obesity is a medical term, and I wanted to be clear that I was not talking about someone who is overweight, there is a difference. Under the medical guidelines this guy was obese. This says nothing personal about you.

Terminology is was of describing others, just the same way someone describes someone they meet "She has a large nose or thick hair"--- and this guy was not just overweight. I have dated men who needed to lose 15-20 lbs.--- that's fine to me, but obese is not. (For the record, I don't date people who smoke either--- because I don't feel its healthy.) And in this day and age, lets face it, taking care of yourself physically is more than just about personal glamour, especially as we age.

I certainly understand about rejection--- based on some things in which we can help, and some things in which we cannot. But all I can say is this post was not about you, and even if this guy was THIN I would have not have been attracted to him. So, its more about the total package then it is about one item.

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