BAD set up... want a good laugh?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
BAD set up... want a good laugh?
53
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 4:15pm

Okay there are BAD dates and there are BAD dates, this is seriously one of the top three WORST fixups I have ever been on.

My friend's husband PUSHED me to go out with this guy, not for a few weeks, but for a year. I think since my ex and I broke up I was a bit vulnerable--- and based on the fact that I heard this guy was in his mid 40's and never married--- had nixed him a year ago. When does "no" not mean no?

But, he kept INSISTING that this guy was a "quality" guy. He told me he was VERY successful attractive, wants to get married and have a family. He wanted to set me up, even though he didn't know if he was single--- so this was Dave pushing me to go out with him, not even the other way around.

I said, well as long as he's not like 47, okay. Well this guy was 47--- and I trully believe a virgin. No joke--- MAYBE he had sex a few times in his life, but I would put a bet down on his virginity. Something wasn't right with this guy.

First off, we spoke on the phone--- the guy has never even been CLOSE to getting married. So I knew, this was a bust but I just tried to meet him for coffee so Icould report that I met him back to Dave. I honestly expected him to dorky, but not THIS bad.

Okay, then I suggested we meet for coffee---he said he had to do "his fantasy baseball league" first but he would call me back if he could. So, I went downstairs to do my laundry--- I came back 25 minutes later--- he had called--- not once, but THREE times wondering where I was. The first time, he kept saying "hello, hello? Hello"--- For two minutes on my answering machine. Apparently he didn't know difference between live and an answering machine??? Then a minute later he was like "I thought we were going out where did you go?" The third, he called me on my cell (which was listed on my machine in case you need to get a hold of me right away). Uh... yeah!

Okay, upon meeting this person--- he looks his age---47. Which is probably the best compliment I could give him. He was obese (40-50 lbs. overweight) ---- and not well groomed. He had on these weird jeans with a belt that showed off his egg shaped body.

(Just to give you guys I picture, I run marathons, am a size 4, well educated, age 35, and I've had a serious relationships before)

We went to a bar (my suggestion) because Starbucks was packed. I found out that he had financial problems (even though he came here in '83 he was still renting until 4 years ago)--- he told me that he couldn't afford to buy a one bedroom condo until a few years ago. He then told me how he rented a cheap apartment from an old lady and how she wouldn't cash his checks--- and when she did it would over draft his account--- because he didn't know how to balance his checkbook! He has clearly has financial problems.

He kept apologzing for wearing "not a brown jacket" since I guess he told me that he would be wearing a brown one. He sweated profusely as well.

I asked him about relationships--- like I said 47 never married--- he told me that he has never been close. The longest relationship he's been in (which I don't even believe him) is "A year, maybe a year and a quarter." (who says that? a year and a quarter???) He told me that he's met women that are not interested in him, or vise versa. Clearly, he's never had a serious girlfriend. (I still believe the guy is a virgin!)--- he's got financial issues, he's not athletic (buy hey he is a GREAT bridge player), he's never traveled to Europe, he's completely unattractive and doesn't know how to groom (needed a hair cut, shave, wadrobe makeover)--- oh and the best--- that part that Dave tried to sell me the most--- he wants children. SO when I asked him he tells me he feels he's too old to have kids--- and wait it gets better--- he is SO desperate to meet someone--- that he doesn't care if they want kids or not--- he just needs "to meet someone to have a companion"--- WHAT ON EARTH about this guy is quality???

I told him flat out that the reason I was looking for marriage (besides companionship) was to have kids--- and if someone didn't feel the same, then we weren't on the same page. I am SO upset that Dave would even CONSIDER fixing me up with him! I am going to say something to his wife--- so she doesn't think I am a total bitch--- this guy has never met Dave's wife--- because I think she would say the same thing--- that something is WRONG with this guy.

I am just going to tell her that I am not attracted to obsese men, that he told me he had financial problems and that he feels he is past the age to have children. Because otherwise if I say "he's just not type" --- Dave will got back and tell her that I do not give "quality guys" a chance.

I know some of you just say to say "he's not my type" but I have TRIED repeatedly with Dave and I think that because he has a brother who is socially inept (like this man) and when he was first dating my friend--- he wanted to fix up his brother with any and ALL of her single friends--- and even she realized that her friends would HATE her if he did that.

Okay, I hope you have a good laugh...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 10:20pm

Lateral move?! Thats hilarious...are you a business or finance person? Ive never heard lateral move to describe a relationship. It sounds so business-like and so very impersonal.

As for the rest, it was a bad match on your friends part but he's a man and sometimes they arent the best matchmakers, especially for friends they want to fix up. He probably sees all the positive qualities that you dont, which is fine. I would just say, I can find my own dates and leave it alone.

I agree with the others (Shy and CK) about qualities....but I wont get into it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2007
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 11:17pm

Yikes he called you THREE TIMES prior to even meeting you - that would have scared most girls away right there! HA! That was funny!

Course I also fall into the "overweight, doesn't own a condo, never been to Europe" crowd.

Kelli - your comment "I blame it on video games" CRACKED ME UP!!!! :p

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 11:25pm

Ariel,

I have a couple of questions rising from your regular raising of Dave in this string in particular (rather than your other board posting about how to provide feedback about the date to whom I believe is Dave's wife):

Which, deep down, are you more upset about: the actual date chosen/suggested by Dave or Dave's assessment of you and who you choose to date/what you're looking for in a partner (leaving aside for the time being Dave's 'quality' assesment of his friend)? As I read your posts, I feel it may be the latter. I infer that Dave for you embodies the world's general predjudice of women in their mid-30's who have not married or formed ongoing long-term (life) relationships, and we should take whatever comes our way and/or re-define our standards.

If Dave hadn't had implied that this guy was 'quality', but had just set the two of you up without any implied standard, would you be as upset/frustrated/annoyed about this date as you come across as being? Would you have simply gone "thanks, but no thanks - too many fundamental differences"?

Is Dave the sort of person who just knows how to push your buttons (or knows dating/singledom is a really easy button to push with you), and knowing what you're looking for in a partner, set up this date in the hope of a strong reaction, just to see you react? If so, he's got some questionable personality traits himself and was not kind to you OR his friend in setting you both up.

Or may he have thought you'd be a "good influence" for this friend (if you hit it off) - get him motivated to loose weight, develop financial strength, refine his dress style. Not a reason to set you up with someone so against your type by any stretch of the imagination, but possibly done with good intentions for his friend.

Trying to look at it from the other side, Dave's assesment of the guy's "quality" may lie with a bloke's assessment of a bloke and what he looks for and is drawn to in a friend. Did Dave get along well with your previous boyfriends? Does he still hang out with them even though you've split up? If they actually never met, do you think they would have gotten along? In Dave's framework he is 'quality'. In yours, he's not the full package we look for in a partner - Dave will never have to consider/factor in sexual attraction, managing household finances and the like with this guy.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 11:37pm

I went back and reread your post before I responded to you the first time to be sure that I hadn't misread what you wrote.

Avatar for cl_shywon
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Sat, 04-14-2007 - 11:41pm

Seriously.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2006
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 6:23am

When a friend says to me "I have someone perfect for you, I think you should meet" I run screaming as fast as I can, ha! I learned a terrible lesson once... I matched a close friend with a man I'd known for sometime (okay, he was my favorite bartender at my favorite restaurant) and they ended up hitting it off... at first. Then within a few months

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 12:19pm

Well, I think I am getting slammed on the word "quality" and again, what I meant was that Dave was saying to me that the men I MEET are NOT QUALITY and this guy is. And again quality is SUBJECTIVE--- so to assume that my past relationships did not work because they were not "quality" men--- and this guy is??? What makes him BETTER than the guys I meet?

As for all of the other issues--- again, if I ask to meet someone who around my age, financially stable, wants kids,is around my age, and is physically active/normal weight--- and even is a non-smoker--- does that make me WRONG? I was pointing out that this guy did not meet ONE of my interests/requirements other than he was single! And then, to be told that the men I meet are not QUALITY.

There are nice single men who are 25--- and I know that is not for me because of the age, imagine the situation was reversed--- I was 47 and he was 35--- would it even be considered??? No!

Deep down--- yes I am absolutely more upset that Dave felt the need to PUSH me to date him. Based on his age alone, (which I actually thought was younger)I said I didn't think we would be a match. And since a year later, I was still single, he couldn't take "NO" as an answer--- just "come on give it a chance"--- so yes if Dave had ALLOWED me to make up my own mind--- and when I said "NO" and it meant "NO" then I would NOT be so upset/annoyed.

I have another set of friends who have been pushing me to date a guy who is supposedly very attractive, and very wealthy and around my age--- however, I also know that he cheats on his girlfriends! So I nixed him--- but still, people keep trying to fix me up with him--- and me saying "no thank you" isn't enough!

Dave's motivations, I think are that he has a brother who is very socially awkward (but only 32, not 47) who has never held a job, graduated from college, doesn't own a TV (which is fine--- I am pointing out he might not know much about pop culture!)--- and I think he doesn't see that some people want different things in life--- he seems to go on--- hey single and single--- great match. This one, on EVERY level was SO off.

Look, I am getting slammed on this person's weight--- and no offense, but I have EVERY right to ask for someone who takes care of themselves--- obese again is a medical term--- I did not say he is "fat"--- and he's not overweight--- and for the record he's also not "morbidly obese" either! Like I said, I don't date smokers either--- for the SAME reason--- no matter if a guy has a GORGEOUS body!

But this guy does not want kids--- at least in part because of his AGE--- which to me, is the biggest offense of ALL of them--- because it is the EXACT reason I nixed him a year ago--- he was TOO OLD AND MIGHT NOT WANT TO HAVE CHILDREN. So what there is no sexual chemistry or he has problems with money--- the children issue is a BASIC FUNDAMENTAL--- and that ALONE should be something someone asks before fixing someone up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2007
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 12:20pm

Hi, I guess I should have brought out a thesaurus for this flame charged "lets all be politically correct" posting. I thought the word "lateral" might make up for the lengthy "have lots in common including looks, health, financial, hobbies, personality, etc., etc". No I'm not in finance, I'm a Canadian from the great white north - I'd trade 2 ice fish freshly caught for some of your Texas oil though - lol - bad joke.

I feel bad for her date, but I feel even more bad for some of the comments there after. Just MHO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 12:47pm

That quite frankly was a personal attack.

"I'm going to assume you've never had a weight problem, struggled with money, or fumbled with social skills. If you had done any of those things in the past, maybe you could feel a bit for this guy and understand why some of us became offended."

Have I ever had a weight problem? Yes.
Have I ever struggled with money? Yes.

Because I ask for those things I must be perfect myself? No. Did you read the other posts that I told you that people nix me because of MY AGE and because I am not a size 0 or 2??? It works both ways as someone else pointed out---

The MAIN reason I was upset about this guy was that my friend (not the guy himself, who I question if he has asperberger's syndrome) wouldn't take NO as an aswer. That because I am single--- I can not have ANY standards or choices or my own?

I will date someone with a child, who is divorced, widowed, whatever, I will even date separated men--- short (5'4'), bald, overweight (15-20 lbs.) and I can tell you there are PLENTY of people who will not even consider someone who isn't 5'10 with a full head of hair. Oh and yes, I date men who haven't been to Europe. It was to point out that there was not ONE thing we had in common, not to put people down.

As for the financially secure--- read the post about my ex--- he was not financially secure (and he made a TON of money in my eyse $175k a year) because he spent it on expensive clothes and gambled it away. So, if you want to see why I am sensitive to men who are not financially secure--- the men (and I stated this in a post) I have met are not financially secure due to some SERIOUS issues of their own--- and why at 35, or any age, would I want to subject myself to someone who is financially irresponsible after I have worked VERY hard to save and build a future--- that I should have to bail a guy out of debt because he's lived the high life all of these years??? That my not be the reason for some, but in experience it has been.

Dave said that this guy was "quality" and the other men I was meeting were NOT QUALITY. That I find to be ironic in itself. If anything, its offensive that I meet men who are "not quality" but he does??? The bottom line is this wasn't a good match--- but for the simple reason this man does not want children--- I can't believe no one has noticed that fact--- because to me, that's bigger than money, weight or anything else...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2005
Sun, 04-15-2007 - 12:48pm
Thank you! You saw the humor in it!