BAD set up... want a good laugh?
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| Sat, 04-14-2007 - 4:15pm |
Okay there are BAD dates and there are BAD dates, this is seriously one of the top three WORST fixups I have ever been on.
My friend's husband PUSHED me to go out with this guy, not for a few weeks, but for a year. I think since my ex and I broke up I was a bit vulnerable--- and based on the fact that I heard this guy was in his mid 40's and never married--- had nixed him a year ago. When does "no" not mean no?
But, he kept INSISTING that this guy was a "quality" guy. He told me he was VERY successful attractive, wants to get married and have a family. He wanted to set me up, even though he didn't know if he was single--- so this was Dave pushing me to go out with him, not even the other way around.
I said, well as long as he's not like 47, okay. Well this guy was 47--- and I trully believe a virgin. No joke--- MAYBE he had sex a few times in his life, but I would put a bet down on his virginity. Something wasn't right with this guy.
First off, we spoke on the phone--- the guy has never even been CLOSE to getting married. So I knew, this was a bust but I just tried to meet him for coffee so Icould report that I met him back to Dave. I honestly expected him to dorky, but not THIS bad.
Okay, then I suggested we meet for coffee---he said he had to do "his fantasy baseball league" first but he would call me back if he could. So, I went downstairs to do my laundry--- I came back 25 minutes later--- he had called--- not once, but THREE times wondering where I was. The first time, he kept saying "hello, hello? Hello"--- For two minutes on my answering machine. Apparently he didn't know difference between live and an answering machine??? Then a minute later he was like "I thought we were going out where did you go?" The third, he called me on my cell (which was listed on my machine in case you need to get a hold of me right away). Uh... yeah!
Okay, upon meeting this person--- he looks his age---47. Which is probably the best compliment I could give him. He was obese (40-50 lbs. overweight) ---- and not well groomed. He had on these weird jeans with a belt that showed off his egg shaped body.
(Just to give you guys I picture, I run marathons, am a size 4, well educated, age 35, and I've had a serious relationships before)
We went to a bar (my suggestion) because Starbucks was packed. I found out that he had financial problems (even though he came here in '83 he was still renting until 4 years ago)--- he told me that he couldn't afford to buy a one bedroom condo until a few years ago. He then told me how he rented a cheap apartment from an old lady and how she wouldn't cash his checks--- and when she did it would over draft his account--- because he didn't know how to balance his checkbook! He has clearly has financial problems.
He kept apologzing for wearing "not a brown jacket" since I guess he told me that he would be wearing a brown one. He sweated profusely as well.
I asked him about relationships--- like I said 47 never married--- he told me that he has never been close. The longest relationship he's been in (which I don't even believe him) is "A year, maybe a year and a quarter." (who says that? a year and a quarter???) He told me that he's met women that are not interested in him, or vise versa. Clearly, he's never had a serious girlfriend. (I still believe the guy is a virgin!)--- he's got financial issues, he's not athletic (buy hey he is a GREAT bridge player), he's never traveled to Europe, he's completely unattractive and doesn't know how to groom (needed a hair cut, shave, wadrobe makeover)--- oh and the best--- that part that Dave tried to sell me the most--- he wants children. SO when I asked him he tells me he feels he's too old to have kids--- and wait it gets better--- he is SO desperate to meet someone--- that he doesn't care if they want kids or not--- he just needs "to meet someone to have a companion"--- WHAT ON EARTH about this guy is quality???
I told him flat out that the reason I was looking for marriage (besides companionship) was to have kids--- and if someone didn't feel the same, then we weren't on the same page. I am SO upset that Dave would even CONSIDER fixing me up with him! I am going to say something to his wife--- so she doesn't think I am a total bitch--- this guy has never met Dave's wife--- because I think she would say the same thing--- that something is WRONG with this guy.
I am just going to tell her that I am not attracted to obsese men, that he told me he had financial problems and that he feels he is past the age to have children. Because otherwise if I say "he's just not type" --- Dave will got back and tell her that I do not give "quality guys" a chance.
I know some of you just say to say "he's not my type" but I have TRIED repeatedly with Dave and I think that because he has a brother who is socially inept (like this man) and when he was first dating my friend--- he wanted to fix up his brother with any and ALL of her single friends--- and even she realized that her friends would HATE her if he did that.
Okay, I hope you have a good laugh...

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It was absolutely not a personal attack.
First of, you made assumptions that because I did WANT certain things, that I must never have issues with these same things (weight, finances, etc.) ... if anything, I am MORE sensitive because I've had to deal things myself and I know MORE of what I want because of that.
The MAIN reason of why this FIX UP was SO bad, was not because of the guy, it was because of how I was SOLD on this man. And, if you are rooting for the underdog--- keep in mind I had said, and wanted to spare myself (and this 47 year old) from wasting anyone's time--- because rejection is hard for ANYONE. And think about this man, who at 47, it sounds like he has difficulty in social situations--- imagine how he's going to feel and how he was sold??? "Here's a woman that wants everything you want..." I'm sure I was not the only person who was dissipointed in this situation...
And, again, when I say NO based on--- BASICS--- age, children, common interests, common goals, (such as being physically active, not smoking, not excessively drinking or doing drugs, and again, weight can be and is a health issue for many--- especially as we age)--- like I said, if I was 47, NO ONE (most likely) would EVER fix me up with a 35 year old. Can you imagine me being sold that this man doesn't care if someone is past the child bearing age and then he was? That would hurt ME showing up and having being rejected.
I was perfectly fine with saying "no" to this man because I thought he was told old to me--- instead, I was told that I should just give this guy a chance because he had all of the good "qualities" that I was looking for--- therefore, he was a "quality" guy. (which again I was told the men I meet are not quality... why are the men I meet not quality???)
Everybody has their absolutes--- and again, this guy didn't meet ONE of my objectives for marriage, except that he was single. And again, being single can't YOU relate to rejection based on age, weight, whatever? I would much rather spare someone's feelings by saying "no" then to get someone else's hopes up high. This man was SO excited about the date--- imagine his dissipoint when he met me and found out that we had nothing in common? It goes both ways.
But again, a bad date/fix up is a bad date--- we all have had them--- and if you read the post--- its not based on ONE thing, its based on the package--- and think, that the poor guy, who probably doesn't go on many dates--- is going to be dissipointed again--- and not realize that we NEVER should have been set up--- and really its not as personal--- when you just the take the fact that he doesn't want kids...
I like Canadiens. Never met one I didnt like.
I dont think anybody has said it wasnt a bad date or a bad match. What people had issue over was her tone in describing this guy's flaws. Thats all.
"Look, I am getting slammed on this person's weight--- and no offense, but I have EVERY right to ask for someone who takes care of themselves--- obese again is a medical term--- I did not say he is "fat"--- and he's not overweight--- and for the record he's also not "morbidly obese" either! Like I said, I don't date smokers either--- for the SAME reason--- no matter if a guy has a GORGEOUS body!"
I wouldn't want to date anyone who was morbidly obese either. I admitted that I was being hyper sensitive about it. I don't think anyone is slamming you here, with all due respect. We are all just giving our opinions from our perspective, that's all. You are absolutely entitled to date those who you feel are quality ie men who are compatible with you.
As for your friend, perhaps it is just a guy thing. As you indicated, single plus single does not a match make. Some men lack the attention to detail which most women possess. Maybe that's all it was in this instance. Does he know you very well? I am a bit surprised that he thought you would be compatible with this man. Although, I could see one of my male friends doing something similar.
I'm confused?
"I took it personally and it wasn't, it's as simple as that." This was addressed specifically to you.
Anyway, it doesn't matter . . . it seems everyone is on the same page now (after a bit of overreacting on my part).
I am overweight, though, like others have said, most people don't see me as overweight and when I tell them what I weigh, they're very surprised and think I'm exaggerating. I also am the poster child for financial problems. One reason I have financial problems is that I have had undiagnosed ADD all my life, and financial problems are common in people with ADD (not making excuses; just pointing out the biological mechanisms in my brain that have made me act irresponsibly). I have also suffered from depression most of my life, too. As such, I am in the process of a trial-and-error period of trying to find a good therapist who can help me unlearn my bad habits and uncover the psychological reasons I don't function well in this area of my life, and a good psychopharmacologist who can help me determine what the best combination of medications
I can COMPLETELY understand why someone would not want to date me based on these factors. I am lucky to have found someone who accepts me the way I am and who has had similar problems himself, so he and I each understand where the other is coming from. However, I was in a relationship for 4 years with a guy who was a penny pincher - he wouldn't even spend money on McDonald's except very rarely. He wouldn't spend the extra money on quality work boots, either (he was a mechanic). My brother, who is also a mechanic, used to tell him he absolutely HAD to get better work boots if he wanted his back pain to get any better; but he insisted on continuing to buy $30 work boots at WalMart (and it's not like he couldn't have afforded another $20-$30 on a better pair of boots - he didn't make a lot, but he ALWAYS had money in his wallet).
I used to make him angry with my spending habits. We were never on the same page as far as finances went. So that relationship was never going to work out.
Anyway...ariel...I can understand where you're coming from. I can also understand where the posters who were a little upset at your post are coming from. I don't think anyone meant to make you angry. It's totally okay to not want to date this guy again (and from the sounds of things, *I* wouldn't have wanted to date him, either).
Dating IS hard, no matter what. I know girls who are not overweight at all, who are absolutely gorgeous, who own their own homes and have nice cars and nice clothes and well-paying jobs, and good personalities and are educated who struggle with dating as well.
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