Beautiful Insight

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Beautiful Insight
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 9:46pm

I had an opportunity to go hiking with a good guy friend today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2011
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 4:19pm

Extremely helpful. Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2011
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 3:30pm
I read the book Attached and liked it a lot! gave me insight into my behavior and past relationships.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2011
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 11:20am

That's a very interesting read, thank you

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 01-09-2012 - 12:20am

What is the basic idea behind Adult Attachment?

The science of adult attachment predicts, with a great deal of accuracy, how people will behave in romantic relationships and whether they will be well matched—on the basis of their “attachment style”: Anxious, Avoidant or Secure.

  • People with a Secure attachment style (just over 50% of the population) are warm and loving, and relationships come naturally to them. They are great at communicating their needs and feelings.
  • People with an Anxious attachment style (about 21% of the population) love to be very close to their partner and have the capacity for a lot of intimacy. However, they often fear that their partner does not want to be as close as they would like and can be very sensitive to small fluctuations in their partner’s moods.
  • People with an Avoidant attachment style (25%) feel the need to maintain their independence. Even though they want to be in a relationship, they tend to keep their partner at arm’s length.


A number of studies have looked into the question of whether we are attracted to people based on their attachment style or ours. Two researchers in the field of adult attachment, Paula Pietromonaco, of the University of Massachusetts, and Katherine Carnelley, of the University of Southampton in the UK, found that avoidant individuals actually prefer anxiously attached people. Another study by Jeffry Simpson of the University of Minnesota, showed that anxious women are more likely to date avoidant men. Is it possible then that people who guard their independence with ferocity would seek the partners most likely to impinge on their autonomy? Or that people who seek closeness are attracted to people who want to push them away? And if so, why?

Pietromonaco and Carnelley believe that these attachment styles actually complement one another in a way. Each reaffirms the other’s beliefs about themselves and about relationships. The avoidants’ defensive self-perception that they are strong and independent is confirmed, as is the belief that others want to pull them into more closeness than they are comfortable with. The anxious types find that their perception of wanting more intimacy than their partner can provide is confirmed, as is their anticipation of ultimately being let down by significant others. So, in a way, each style is drawn to reenact a familiar script over and over again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2011
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 11:31pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 01-08-2012 - 11:13pm

You could save a lot on therapy if you just kept this guy around.